Fun Family Weekend

We had the best time last weekend.  I had a crazy idea to get out of town so we did it!  So unlike us to be so spontaneous but we had a blast.  We went to a Christmas concert called  The Story Tour.  It was really good, but not really for kids.  We kept looking at each other and laughing as we walked in, all we could see was adults!   It was distracting when every minute or so one of them would ask if it was time to leave!!  Oh well, I really enjoyed the part we saw, even if we did leave 45min early!

By far the best part for the boys was staying in a hotel.  They were so so excited and couldn't believe they were so lucky!!  Jack's favorite parts were 1. staying together as a family and 2. The all you can eat breakfast!!!!  I got to eat whatever I wanted!!!! waffles and cereal!!!!!  Luke's favorite parts - whatever Jack said!!  It was really fun though.  Everyone slept well, i.e. Luke and I in our bed sleeping away didn't get the same wake-up call that Kenny got.  Jack was up and fidgeting from about 2-4am.  Oh well, you win some you lose some!  Just glad I was on the winning end of that one!

Then we went to Old Salem for the morning.  Somehow it was a lot smaller than I remembered!  It was fun though.  I am always blown away by the amount of work it took just to live not so long ago.  I picture what my days would have looked like- no running water, cooking over an open hearth.  No thank you!  Seriously, so so much work.  I can't picture doing it all and having small children.....

Then we ate lunch at Sweet Potatoes in downtown Winston Salem.  It was so good!!  They sponsor a few children from the Amani Baby Cottage in Uganda.  The bartender's daughter was going to be leaving soon to go spend about 6 weeks with Katie Davis!!!!  What a small world!  They had a really fun vibe, lots of African art. 

One funny thing that happened was an African American Santa walked in.  Jack looked at him for a few minutes and said he was not the real Santa.  I asked him if it was because he had brown skin.  Jack said yes.  So then we talked about how if he had brown skin wouldn't he want his Santa to have brown skin too?  He grinned and said yes, and that Chinese children probably want a Chinese Santa!  It really made me think though.  All of our nativity sets and Santas are white.  I guess I need to diversify!!!  Luke ran right up to him asking for a candy cane, no surprise there!  I got a few pictures, really need to be better about that!!

                    Don't really know what this was, Luke kept calling them doghouses.....

                                        Walking on a wall, what boy doesn't love that

                                                         And now, it is time to go!!!!!

Such a fun, fun weekend!!!

Give me Jesus

I am sitting here in floods.  Literally floods of tears.  Tears of sorrow, tears of gratefulness, tears of longing , tears of peace, tears for the overwhelming goodness of our God.  I am blown away by this season, this arrival of the Christ Child.  This child who came and became a man, became our Saviour.  He was a man of sorrows, a man well acquainted with our human ways and for that I am grateful.  I  take peace in the fact that He cried tears and knew the frailty of our heart, our very spirit.  I also take great peace in the fact that He is WAY bigger than that.  That He left His throne and walked this earth, all the while keeping an eye on the heavenly, the divine, the sacred.  I mean He WAS heavenly, divine, and sacred.  That He was in fact God.  He had seen the end, He knew the end already.... That He chose to suffer and die anyway.  That love compelled Him to move through His earthly life, pointing the way and setting us free. 

I think about the stable and the night He came to earth.  How Mary must have felt holding him.  How she truly probably had no idea what it really all meant.  I wonder what it must have been like seeing Him grow, seeing the divine shine through.  That Messiah was here, the great longing was fulfilled in her son, in her very presence.  I think we all have it, a longing for something more...for something Holy and sacred, for peace, for the end of suffering.  I am filled with such a joy, such a peace to know that Jesus gave us a way. 

I have been thinking a lot about shepherds too.  Chris did a sermon the other day and it has really stuck with me.  I didn't know that shepherds were considered one step above lepers.  That they were plain and crass, unfit for proper society.  That one night they were just going about their business and bam- thousands and thousands of angels announcing Christ's birth.  I picture darkness being split open and pure, holy light filling the sky.  I love that the angels came to them.  I feel their plainness, I feel at times like they must have- a stranger in their own land. 

I am trying to show my kids this.  How this time is amazing, how faith is amazing, how this day marks a new beginning.  The way to life.  The way to God.  How this is precious and not to be taken for granted.  I feel like I fail in this all the time though.  That I have been busy this week, buying this and that, cleaning, cooking, all the mundane things of life.  It really is hard for me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  I love presents-  giving and receiving them.  I love wrapping them up and anticipating the opening of them.  I love the magic of it all.  I get too wrapped up in the material things though.  Presents are fun, I think they have their place and who doesn't love to watch a child's face light up??

I was brought to my knees today though.  Somehow through the fog I saw Jesus.  I clicked on a blog link and heard this song.   I heard His voice and He was telling me to stop.  to hear.  to focus.  This song touched my soul, it touched my core.  Because really truly, when it all comes down to it isn't Jesus all we have?  Isn't it the root of all that is good and perfect in our life?  Isn't that what we really long for?

It is a simple song, a simple prayer.  Give me Jesus.

 

Right Now....

Sometimes, I just want to know...  Why is this so hard?  Why? Why? Why? (insert stomping of feet and tears)  I wish I could be a two year old, I wish I could throw a tantrum and let whoever is standing in my way have the full force of my frustration. 

Right now things are hard.  This whole process has been a rollercoaster ride.  First you are up, then you are down.  Sometimes the highs seem really high and the lows really low.  We have hit a snag and are trying to work it out.   I was flying high because I had every piece of paperwork but one.  I hired a notary and went to the clerk of courts office downtown.  We had run criminal record checks a few months earlier and they were clear.  This time an old traffic ticket showed up of Kenny's from when he was 16.  No big deal right??? Wrong.  Somehow it was coded as a traffic misdemeanor, somehow it is really hard to get these off your record.  It is amazing how some random choice you made 20yrs ago will throw a wrench in the here and now.

We are waiting to see if this is really a problem, waiting to see what we need to do.  Lawyers have been contacted, tears have been shed, there is talk of switching to another country's program.  Who knows?  We are waiting, we will find out this week hopefully.  Our Dossier is due Dec 2nd so we have a little time....

I am more sure than ever that this is what God has called us to though.  That He who began a good work will carry it on to completion.  That the work is His, this whole plan has been His plan all along.  I feel like through the waiting, through the delays there is a master plan.  That somehow all these pitfalls and bumps in the road are just getting us to the child or children we were meant to be with.  It is always easier to look back on situations when they are over, to see how all the details dovetailed together to get you to the finishing point.  I know that one day we will look back and see how God's timing is perfect. 

It is hard to wait, hard to go through it though, right now I would rather have my babies here.  I say babies because that is what we originally requested, before all the changes took place.  I still hope for two, but we will see.  I think about them all the time.  I wonder are they born?  are they hungry?  who is wiping their tears?  who is taking care of them?  who are they?  are there one or two? are they boys or girls?  are they sad, lonely?  I want to be there, I want to take them in my arms, wipe their tears, and show them how much they are loved, already.  I look at Jack and Luke, how they know they are loved, how they have been taken care of from the beginning.  I think of the mommies and daddies of these children, how they love them too, how circumstances are not fair, not just.  How maybe they are alive, maybe not.  How if they died their last thought was for them, how if they are still alive they think about them everyday.  It is all so complicated, there are so many nuances and feelings that go with adoption.  How there are no easy answers.  How even though we are gaining so much they have lost so much to get to that place.  How there will always be a part of them that wonders about what might have been.  Wow.... it is a heavy responsibility.

But I know that God places the lost and lonely in families.  That He redeems situations that are seemingly hopeless, that love can conquer all.  I am standing firm on His promises.  That I can hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, that He who promised is faithful.  That He will finish this work and we WILL hold those babies and never let go.  Many prayers are being lifted and I know He hears them.  This could be a small bump or a roadblock but I am so grateful for the peace I feel in this moment, that He knows.  That even now He has His eye on my babies, He is working it out so we can get to them.  Zeph 3:17 says that "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing"  I pray that verse over them, that somehow they will feel the peace and the comfort I do.  That one day I will share the hope that is in me, in our family.  I  long for that day. 

The Beauty of Luke.....

I had a moment the other day.  I realized just how far Luke has come, how much progress we have made.  We were sitting down for dinner and I knew that it was going to be a battle, we were having grilled chicken for dinner and he was going to have to eat it, gasp!  mean, mean mommy!  We had been focusing so much on potty training I had let the whole food thing slide, but now it is back to the food. 

So I put the chicken in front of him and the tears started, then the gagging started just from looking at it.  So then 10min later I got a piece in his mouth and the retching started, I really thought he would throw up.  (Sounds like progress right?)  But then, I stayed calm, he eventually stopped gagging and ate the freaking chicken.  To have been able to talk him down, to keep the food down when he had been fighting so hard, THAT my friends is real progress.  I started thinking about all the other areas of progress he has made, how typical he now is, how not a lot of people would even know the struggles he has had.  It made me think back to the beginning....

I have never had easy pregnancies, this one was no exception but still to me better than the first, no life threatening blood clots anyway:)  I ended up on bedrest around 22weeks, in/out of the hospital a few times but we made it to 35weeks.  He only stayed two weeks in the hospital and then he was home, boy was he ever home!  He was a fussy, fussy baby and that is putting it nicely.  I remember a few weeks in thinking he had a weird, high pitched neurological cry but I told myself to stop being silly.  He had a milk allergy, ridiculous reflux but we finally got all that worked out by 4months.  He never ate very well and as time went on he had trouble meeting his milestones.  We started speech therapy at 7months, then physical therapy for low tone, and then we ended up in a neurologists office.

I will never forget those visits.  I knew deep down that something wasn't right, that they would find something.  I just knew... We had an MRI and then he was diagnosed with a brain injury and mild cerebral palsy.   Hindsight tells me that I should have focused on the words mild but the fear that lodged in my heart at those words, the pictures running through my mind, that is something I will never forget.  I remember taking a breath and asking OK, now what?  I threw myself into doing every therapy they would give me, every exercise, every little tip, I would do it, we would do it, we would get through this.  And we did.  Month by month things improved and progress was made.  It was hard.  Everything he did in the beginning was hard, he had to WORK at everything/ eating, walking,talking....One of the things I love the most is his determination and strong will.  God knew what he would go through and gave him just the right amount of attitude.  (I have a love/hate relationship with that attitude some days, just being honest)

I think if I had known how things would all turn out in the end that it would have been so much easier, but that is always the way.  The growth and the lessons are always in the journey itself.  We are so incredibly blessed that he is doing so well, that those struggles were so mild compared to what so many others go to.  I see others at the specialists offices and I say prayers for them all the time,  we truly are only tasting the road that some families walk.  However, this has been our road, and for us, it has been a struggle.

I remember a friend telling us early on about control.  His son has Down Syndrome and he was so encouraging when we got our diagnosis, when we felt like life was uncertain, when we didn't know how things would turn out.  He told us that parents of special needs children lose the illusion of control early.  Parents of typical children often are fooled into thinking they are in control of those little lives, that this action will beget this action, that we are in charge.  I know we felt that way with Jack.  He said that the illusion is shattered in early teenage years but especially in the beginning the illusion is there.  For kids with special needs there is no illusion.  You are thrust into a world of unknowns, a world that we knew nothing about but were a part of just the same. 

I think it was a blessing in the end, not a blessing I welcomed with open arms for sure.  I think our faith grew exponentially.  I learned that our marriage was strong, maybe not pretty at times but strong.  I learned that joy really does come in the morning, that the nights were long but morning always came.  I learned that I have a lot to learn, that my faith is deep but my sin nature is strong.  I still held (still hold onto, sigh) on to the belief that if I just did things a certain way things would turn out okay, that life would go the way I wanted, if I just controlled every little thing then.....I am a perfectionist by nature, I have systems for everything, that was the hardest.  I have learned to let go, that God is big enough, His grace is sufficient.  I learned that there is a lot of truth to the saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade.  It is sour and tart, but when you add in the good things like sugar and water, it is good.  That when God works through a situation He turns it into something beautiful and refreshing.

I have just been thinking a lot lately about where we have come from, where we are going from here.  There are so many unknowns right now, we really don't quite know how things are going to play out. I know that it will be okay though, I don't have the answers and I don't need all the answers.  I still fight to get them, I still struggle not knowing them but I have a peace.  A peace that has been learned and bought at a price.  Here is to you Luke! My beautiful teacher, my beautiful boy.

The Adoption Process So Far

So, I get asked a lot,  where are we in the process?  Well folks, I think we are getting close!

This is our process:

1.  Applied to agency and got accepted

2.  Complete home study

3.  Paper chase-  a long, long process of gathering documents, filling out paperwork,  etc.  We are very close to being done with our dossier (official compilation of all previous said paperwork)

4,  1600-A application and approval-  we are done with this step officially and according to the U.S. we are approved and they have sent paperwork over to Uganda saying as much. 

5.  The Dossier along with the 1600-A approval will be sent and received in Uganda- we will wait for their approval.  The families in front of us with the agency got approval in less than 6weeks, wow!

6.  We wait for a referral!!!!  They are estimating a 1-2month wait time for a referral once we are approved.  Things change all the time, so we will see, it is a best guess right now though.

7.  Travel-
     1.  1st trip-  We will go fill out more paperwork, meet the child or children, and officially accept   
          the referral.  We are planning on taking my parents and the boys with us on this trip, we are
          really excited about this!  I can't wait for them to see their new partners in crime!

     2.  2nd trip-  We get assigned a court date.  We will then travel back to Uganda, go to court
          pass court, and bring those kiddos home!  Both trips together will total around 6-8weeks,
          not quite sure the breakdown of the trips, it is still a very fluid process....

8.  Re adoption process-  I'm not exactly sure what all this entails but we will start this process as soon as we get back.  Lots more paperwork:) 

So, that is the process in a nutshell, on paper it looks pretty simple huh?  We will also be fundraising very, very soon.  Mark your calendars for October 15th!!  We have quite a bit of money left to go.  I am so in awe of how God has graciously supplied all of our needs so far and so excited to see how He will continue to do so.  We have a saying at church, Only God, and there is so much in life that falls under that category, this adoption is a big, huge example of this so far.  So excited to grow our family,  it really is happening!

Ninjas....

So the boys and I have been talking a lot recently about the new child or children that will be joining our family. (shocking, I know!) It is always so interesting to hear and talk about what they think is going to happen. Jack of course has way more to say than Luke. One of the big things we have been talking about is about skin color and our family "matching". Luke really didn't have anything to say about it.  Suprising because normally in life EVERYTHING MUST MATCH!  He is most excited about being the BIG brother. He is so in love with Jack, he watches and imitates him constantly. So cute. I asked Jack what he thought about our skin not matching. We have talked about it in the past quite a bit. I have always said that we will match in our hearts and that is the most important thing, that family is family no matter what our skin colors. I really had no idea that he thought so much about it. He wanted to know what I thought other people might think, if they would say anything to him. I told him that I did think people would notice, that because we are not the typical family a lot of people would have a lot to say, even people we don't know. It just really got me thinking about the attention we will receive, whether I like it or not. Anybody that knows me even a little knows I shrink away from attention, good or bad. Funny though, already I have that mama bear instinct going on, trying to think how best to handle the situations. I was reminded of something my social worker told me when we had our home study. She talked a lot about how it is so important to give our kids language to deal with adoption and questions people or they themselves might ask. That they don't automatically know how to express their thoughts or feelings, or that something might not sit well with them but they don't know how to talk about it. It is intimidating to think through all these issues, a hefty responsibility for Kenny and I.

I was also reminded of a conversation Jack and I had a few weeks ago. (pretty embarrassing to think back on it). He was sitting in his carseat and said, "you have to watch out for black people, they are very dangerous". I of course being the hothead I am laid into him and started lecturing. I'm pretty sure the words I'm shocked, I can't believe you would say that, we never judge based on skin color, MANY words along those lines.  By this point I had pulled the car over and was still lecturing. He looked at me like I was insane and said "Mommy, I don't know what you are talking about but ninjas (yes, ninjas) are always dressed in black and they are very dangerous". Of course then I am sitting there with my mouth open not quite sure where to go after that. Sensitive much?? There is a lot to be said for listening and asking questions first. I had put my own sensitivity about race into that conversation. I made assumptions based on one sentence. Honestly though, with that lead- in who wouldn't right??  Right??   Maybe not.  Seriously though, there will be a lot to learn, it will be a skill that will need to be developed.  We have done so much reading on the subject and had so many conversations with ourselves and others.  Obviously getting it from my head to my mouth will be a process, I'm sure one that will take some practice.  It is important that we get it right, that we as a family can talk about it well.  So,  we will be praying for lots of grace and wisdom, we are gonna need it.....

Why adoption?

So we are adopting.....there are times I can't even believe it, times I'm excited, times when I am scared (most of the time). But mostly, there is peace when it comes down to it. Peace that God has called and God will equip. It is exciting, to think that our family will be growing again. I had given up on that dream even while carrying Luke, to have this opportunity is beyond exciting! But now I can dream again. I can dream about fingers and toes, bottles, first steps, first words, and maybe just maybe I can dream in pink and purple!!

People ask me all the time how and why we are adopting. The main reason is we want more kids. We have room in our hearts and lives for more. We have both spent time in Africa and have seen up close the effects of poverty, how these orphans have no safety nets. There are no social programs, no food kitchens, no way to get out of some situations. I looked in those eyes, I saw those swollen bellies. To be able to give a home to a child that so desperately needs it, that is awesome. We know that we are the ones who will be blessed, that Jack and Luke will have their eyes and their hearts opened, that is awesome! I can already smell and taste the streets that we will walk. I feel like my heart never left Africa, I know that Kenny's didn't either. I have no false expectations that it will be easy. I think of the loss that my child or children will come from, how their hearts have already been broken at such a tender age. I grieve for their families, for the history that will be theirs. It is such a different legacy than Jack and Luke will have, but how humbling and exciting that we will write the rest of the story together. 

There is so much redemption to me in adoption. I see how much God the father loved us, even while we had nothing he died and bled so that we could live. He took us in, He gave us a place to grow, to live, to find community. I want to be and feel that we will be a place of safety and unconditional love. I am amazed at how much I love already, how incomplete I feel without them. It will have it's challenges but I say bring it!

I will be writing a lot about adoption and our family, I am so excited to have a record of our journey.  A way to look back and see week by week, month by month how it all went down.  I am so sure that this is the journey we are meant to be on.  I can't wait to hold the precious one or ones that are coming.  It seems like it is so far away but it isn't!!  Habakkuk 2:3 says that it is for a future time, that if it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.  Those words have been my comfort, I don't know the time or place but I know it's coming!

I have always, always, always, loved the mountains.  My favorite part of moving back to NC was that there are mountains and beaches- all within 2-4hrs.  I hope to create little hikers and little mountain lovers out of the boys.  It must have been my lucky week then when I got to go to the mountains not one but two times!!!
My mom and I took the boys the first day.  It was a little rainy which for any of you that know Luke know this was bad...I mean bad.  There were a lot of tears, wailing, tantrums, and screaming when the thunder/rain hit.  Don't you know it is dangerous and not safe (according to Luke)  However, you can only meltdown so long before you get tired, you know a couple of hours :)  We braved the mountaintop. 





Then it was time for a Brown family road trip!  I love getting out of town and going somewhere together, even if it is only for the day.  The boys had a great time and this time the weather was fantastic, sunny with a high of 78.  Luke was excited, he talked about rain the whole way up!  We hiked longer this time and the boys did great, I think my plan is working....

                                                              We had a great time!

The Intro

So..... where to start??  I am new at this whole blogging thing.  I have a ton of things in my head, a lot that I would like to say, but somehow sitting down and doing it is really hard!  This blog is a record of my family, the ones here at home, and the ones we hope to bring home soon.  Life is crazy right now.  I feel like we are definitely in uncharted waters, for a planner like me it has not been fun.  Sometimes I walk this road with grace, more often than not I am on my knees seeking forgiveness for what I have said, done, and thought.  Love that the Lord takes me as I am, that grace is never-ending, always abounding.  This is our journey- told through my eyes.  So, here we go!