Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A Whole Lot of Nothing.....

Soooo, I have sat to down to write so many times and given up.  I just don't really know exactly what to say but I know people want to know, what is going on?????  I have written a few posts and just deleted them, not really for public consumption I guess.  December and January were hard months.    I realized that there were delays coming and then I got confirmation that there are a lot of delays coming, big ones.  The referral time has now increased to 12-18months.  Wow. 

There are a lot of changes going on in Uganda.  The courts are really cracking down and the requirements are very strict.  Which of course is a good thing.  Of course it is.  BUT,  it is hard to have thought we would be traveling by spring to think we may not even get a referral till next spring.  It really is a big roller coaster ride.

I wish I had taken it all in stride, that I was filled with peace.  I was definitely NOT filled with peace, I want my babies now:)  Then I turn it over and God meets me, like He always does.  The situation has not changed but my view has.  It is always better to trust and believe, just hard to do.  There is so much going on in my head, so many things I have read and heard.  Adoption is all kinds of shades of gray, it is not just helping an orphan.  It is not so cut dried as I once believed.  It has broken my heart and made me thankful for the delays.  Thankful that there are safeguards in place, that stories are being authenticated before children leave the country.  I look at it with a mother's heart, a heart that would move heaven and earth before I let my child go.  The world is a dark place and there are dark things that go on.

I do believe in redemption though, that God can take those dark things and make them new.  That God can take something born of loss and pain and give it a hope and a future.  I am excited for the future, just aware that it might not have pretty paper and a big pretty bow.  I believe this is what we are called to, that God will use this to show Himself.  That the child or children coming into our family are coming into a house of love, a house that prays for them, a house that talks about them every day, multiple times a day.  I am so blessed to have the life I have, the children I have.  What a gift they are.   I cannot wait till the day we are all together.

I am reading this back and I can feel the heaviness.  Should I post, should I not?  But it is what it is.  God is good and He has this in His hands.  I really feel like I will look back on all the delays and say, oooohhhhh that's why that happened! 

So that's the scoop.  We are waiting.  I am trying to wait with grace, to wait with the bigger picture in mind........