So, this is really just a mind dump post. I feel crazy lately, too many things swirling around in my head. I feel like I am on high alert all the time and that kinda stinks. I have been doing some reading about how at risk and traumatized kids have high cortisol levels. How their stress level is constantly so high so that when something negative happens they overreact and have responses that are not what we would consider proportionate. Well, I feel that! I live that! Not really, not compared to what those sweet little hearts have been through but...... I have been getting looks from my husband and kids. You know the one, the one where you do something a little over the top and they look at you like you are crazy. Yep, that's the look! Oh well, for better or worse right?
We are still in a holding pattern. We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom. Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate. So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take. I hope they get it today :):) Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that. Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.
Jack and Luke are so, so excited. One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?" I wish I had a better answer. Jack always sighs and says "who knows" or "she doesn't know". It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice. It makes me laugh, every time. Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy. "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home. I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house. One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer. I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like. I can't even really picture it. I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner. I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be. Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here. I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world. It is an exciting, bittersweet time. I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:) One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me. I can't wait for that day!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A New Home
So, things are moving, things are changing, never in the way I expect them to. I am so so ready to go get my babies! I don't know that many people can understand the depth of love and feeling I have for these two. I look at their pictures and they just fit. It is as if my heart had holes just their shape and they just fit and I am filled with joy, with love, with a weight of responsibility. I love them and can't wait to meet them, to hold their hands, kiss their cheeks, all of it. I just need to get over there!
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
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