Monday, July 16, 2012

The Well

I am here.  I am waiting.  Indeed, all of my family is waiting and watching, hoping for movement.  Luke and Jack ask me multiple times a day, when are they coming?  where are they?  who are they?  will it be a boy or a girl?  Interesting discussion around that one actually.  I think the idea of a girl in the family is a little weird to these boys of mine.  It even seems weird to me, exciting but weird just the same.

The days are heavy and long lately.  I have picked up this thing called grief yet again.  It threatens to swallow me.  I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole.  I see the scratch marks from previous journeys.  It is familiar and oh so unwelcome.  I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there.  I hate that I do that but I do.  I can see the light.  I am moving towards that light.  I am grateful for the One who is light.  The One who calls me softly.  The One who has known pain and separation Himself.

I don't equate my suffering with His.  I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering.  That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows.   I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.

The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard.  I just am angry.  I am angry that we are back to square one.  I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed.  I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that  keep us from him.  But more than angry I am sad.  They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart.  I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us.  I agree.

I think the time for wallowing is over though.  I think it is time to get up and get out.  To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand.  I have been reading in Isaiah.  Isaiah 43:19  "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"

I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can.  That is the thing about a faith well tested.    I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out.  I have sat in this very spot.  BUT I DID.  I took a step and then another and then I was walking.  It was God moving in my life.  Giving me strength and life.  I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now.  I love that I have seen Him move in the past,  that I can trust in that love.

Years ago we lost a baby.  It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget.  You always wonder what would have been.  It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression.  It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days.  But even in those dark days my God was there.  He was my hope and future.  Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again.  That the old will pass, the new will come.

I don't know the future but I know my Savior.  I write this as a testament to the goodness of God.  As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again.  However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert.  I know He meets us in our journey.   I am trusting Him.  His love is perfect.  His strength is sufficient.

The well is not so deep this time.  The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming.  I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments.  It won't overtake me,   it won't last so long.  Already I feel His peace taking over.  I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.














Sunday, July 1, 2012

Another referral lost......

We have lost our referral for our little man.  I am so heartbroken, so sad.  I knew it was coming deep down but still.... I was hoping that things would have worked out.  I have said over and over again how complicated this is and it really is.

We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral.  We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting.  The man who was the agency's liaison  for this referral has gone missing.  This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive.  Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for.  Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.

I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim.  We could not discern what the truth really was.  We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction.  I just wanted to bring him home though.  I still look at both their faces everyday.  I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.

I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two.  I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now!  There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions.  Jack and Luke are rooming together now.  Everything was ready.  I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it.  It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed.  At least someone is using that room.

People have asked, where do we go from here?  Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency?  How could your agency have done this?

I don't have all those answers.  I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision.  They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before.  Obviously they were wrong.  They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here.  They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on.  The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out.  Obviously this is a good plan.  I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.

We are going to wait for another referral.  We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency.  I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.

We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again.  We believe in grace.  After all great is the grace that has been shown to us.  We are nervous but hopeful.  I know that there are more Brown's in our future.  So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be?  How many will there be?  A boy?  A girl?

Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait.  I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful.  So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light.  I see that this really is the path we should be on.  I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them.   Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah,  of course not.  I have fallen in love with those two.  I will NEVER forget them.   I told a friend that last week we were numb.  I seriously hadn't shed many tears.  This weekend?  Numb is gone.  I am raw and broken.  I just want my boy to come home with me.

The hardest part is knowing his situation.  Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so.  That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now.  BUT I don't know any of that.  I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.

We are grieving but we have hope.  He who began a good work will complete it.  We will walk in faith.  Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.