My husband and I both had some really neat interactions with people today. He was at karate with Jack. There was a woman sitting beside him. They were talking about the kids and she mentioned that her son was a preemie. Kenny mentioned that both our sons had been preemies. He said she opened up and laid it all out. Her son was born at 28 weeks and spent a full 12 weeks in the hospital. Wow. She turned to him at one point and said that it took all the joy out of her next pregnancy. Kenny said it felt so good to know he wasn't the only one to mourn that loss. How it wasn't just us who look at those movie moments where mom, dad, and baby are all snuggled on the bed. How instead our first moments were behind walls of plastic with your wife's co-workersl looking on.
I have been emailing back and forth with another adopting mama from Texas. She is adopting two little boys through our agency in Uganda. It has been so encouraging to share emails even though we have never met in person. She was talking about how there has been so much sadness mixed in with the joy. It felt good to hear another peson's lips speak my heart. This journey has been lonely. I have wanted validation and understanding, someone who knows.
It was a comforting thing for both of us. I feel like we have been hard to read in these last few years. I often feel as if I am doing this all wrong. I even had a terrible dream last night where I had a group of friends sit me down and tell me I WAS doing it all wrong, that they were disappointed in me. Now, these friends would never say that and I don 't think they feel that but obviously that insecurity is still there.
So much of this journey has been bittersweet, especially the last 6 months or so. With the first referral of our Hope and Isaiah we just jumped right in. There is video of us telling the boys, there is video of the boy's thoughts on adoption, and video of cupcakes we had for Isaiah's birthday. I look back at that video and our faces and the difference is startling. This time around there was no video of telling the boys, no cupcakes.
We are so excited for the girls. I didn't even honestly realize that we hadn't done those things. Even when we told the boys it was followed up with "if they get to come home". I hate that there has been such a difference but that is the reality. I have had people tell me multiple times to let go of the past, enjoy the moment. There have been so many enjoyable moments. So many moments of excitement and fun. Buying bows and dresses. Hearing the boy's take on what life will be like with girls, hilarious. Luke told me the other day he was NOT going to wear a dress even if the girls were sad. (he was dressing up as a ninja at the time).
I guess what I am realizing is that my joy is manifesting itself in peace. That I don't have that giddy excitement at the moment but I feel peace. That these sweet girls have suffered so much grief and loss in their short life and will face even more upheaval and grief to come when we bring them home. That I as their mother feel that pain and loss deeply. That as happy as I am to bring them home it is not without a price. That grafting together as a family is not about a plane ride home and a big airport party.
I rejoice in the promise of what is before us. I rejoice in the redemption that God will bring to their loss and pain. We are not saviors to these girls, we are not their rescuer. They are simply my daughters. They are sisters, well prayed for and talked about all the time. That God in His mercy has allowed me another chance to parent. That my long awaited desire to have more children is being realized. That all the notions of what I thought my family would look like is being blown out of the water. I know that it will be even richer and better than I thought.
I will remember these words in the days and months to come. That when I am overwhelmed in the moment or wondering how to raise 4 children these days were already ordained, they are a gift from God.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Decisions, Decisions
We are in the throes of school decisions for next year. It is so hard to know what to do......So many choices, so many voices.
I am surprised over and over again by grief. How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times. Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year. However, I don't know that he is ready. I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart. I mean in reality it doesn't matter. If he's not ready, he is not ready. It hurts though. I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less. I read and commented on a post today. It resonated with me and gave me some peace. That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.
Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others. Most people never see the struggles that he faces. His delays are there though. There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes. In so many many areas he shines. In so many areas he excels. In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for. It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root. It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far. It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made. It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more. It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place. It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy", "delays", and "time will tell". It was a horrible, scary day. A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.
In reality I see him as so much more. My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is. We just do what we have to do. I am in love with my son. I am in love with who he is and who he has become. He is funny and sweet. He is tough. He is determined. He wants what he wants and will not let things go. He is my bull dog.
I think today I will change my view. I will look at this differently and fight that fear. To have confidence in my creator and Savior. That He is aware of my heart and my struggles. He knows Luke and He has been there all along. That He is faithful. That He will provide. The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act. I only have to look back to see His work in my life. I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.
I am aware again that a day does not make a life. That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis. I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life. But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace. His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words. He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis. I stand in awe of my son. I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do. I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges. I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.
I am surprised over and over again by grief. How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times. Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year. However, I don't know that he is ready. I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart. I mean in reality it doesn't matter. If he's not ready, he is not ready. It hurts though. I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less. I read and commented on a post today. It resonated with me and gave me some peace. That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.
Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others. Most people never see the struggles that he faces. His delays are there though. There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes. In so many many areas he shines. In so many areas he excels. In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for. It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root. It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far. It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made. It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more. It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place. It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy", "delays", and "time will tell". It was a horrible, scary day. A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.
In reality I see him as so much more. My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is. We just do what we have to do. I am in love with my son. I am in love with who he is and who he has become. He is funny and sweet. He is tough. He is determined. He wants what he wants and will not let things go. He is my bull dog.
I think today I will change my view. I will look at this differently and fight that fear. To have confidence in my creator and Savior. That He is aware of my heart and my struggles. He knows Luke and He has been there all along. That He is faithful. That He will provide. The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act. I only have to look back to see His work in my life. I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.
I am aware again that a day does not make a life. That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis. I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life. But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace. His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words. He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis. I stand in awe of my son. I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do. I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges. I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Drivel....
What to say, what to say.....
I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately. Ummmm, not well. (and that is an understatement). I am in a fog. I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do. My mind is constantly in Uganda:)
Today was good though. My travel advisor is awesome. I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her. She was practically begging for me to call and bug her! No really, she was! She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her. (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too) So, I did. And it was great.
I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile. I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them. It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good. It felt really good. I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat. Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week. That would be amazing.
It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon. I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here. We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now. We WILL go back. Uganda will always be a part of our lives. Just not right now. It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke. If I really think about I just dissolve into tears. They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me. I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!" and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening. Make up my mind already!
They have big plans while we are gone. We have amazing family that will watch over them for us. I just want to be the one to do that. I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy. I know he will be a handful. He just will. He will be emotional and teary. He will be whiny. He will be a pain. I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy. He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy. I know that he will be fine. It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.
Luke won't even miss us, ha! He will but it will be on the inside. He will get grouchy and moody. He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way. Then the storm will pass and he will be fine. It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone. He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him. They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.
I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours. We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like. I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster. But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.
I am just feeling so antsy. I have a hard time focusing. This part of the wait has been the hardest. I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems. In my dreams they are always just out of reach. I wake up right before I open the door to where they are. Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them. So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters. It's allright though, that is as it should be. "My daughters", I really like the sound of that......
I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately. Ummmm, not well. (and that is an understatement). I am in a fog. I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do. My mind is constantly in Uganda:)
Today was good though. My travel advisor is awesome. I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her. She was practically begging for me to call and bug her! No really, she was! She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her. (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too) So, I did. And it was great.
I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile. I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them. It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good. It felt really good. I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat. Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week. That would be amazing.
It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon. I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here. We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now. We WILL go back. Uganda will always be a part of our lives. Just not right now. It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke. If I really think about I just dissolve into tears. They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me. I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!" and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening. Make up my mind already!
They have big plans while we are gone. We have amazing family that will watch over them for us. I just want to be the one to do that. I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy. I know he will be a handful. He just will. He will be emotional and teary. He will be whiny. He will be a pain. I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy. He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy. I know that he will be fine. It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.
Luke won't even miss us, ha! He will but it will be on the inside. He will get grouchy and moody. He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way. Then the storm will pass and he will be fine. It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone. He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him. They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.
I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours. We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like. I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster. But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.
I am just feeling so antsy. I have a hard time focusing. This part of the wait has been the hardest. I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems. In my dreams they are always just out of reach. I wake up right before I open the door to where they are. Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them. So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters. It's allright though, that is as it should be. "My daughters", I really like the sound of that......
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