Tuesday, September 17, 2013

6 weeks baby!

I am flying to Uganda in 6 weeks and three days!!!!  Wow.  I can't believe I am even typing those words.  No, I don't have a court date.  No, the girls will not be coming back with me.  BUT I will meet my babies and that is enough for now.  My mom will be flying out with me which will be super special.  How neat for her to see their life, their home, and their country.  How neat for them to meet her before they come to America, to connect with her and her with them.  She will be able to talk about the time they spent together.  So cool.

We are still waiting for a court date but that doesn't seem like it will be coming anytime soon.  The private investigation is done.  Supposedly all of the paperwork, DNA tests, affadavits, ect. are done as well.  The courts reopened in mid-August.  When they reopened all of the judges had moved around to different areas.  We got assigned a judge and I love her name.  Her name is the same as a very good friend of mine, I like to think it is a good omen.  Even though I don't believe in omens, I like it just the same.   We are waiting for the opportunity to file for a court date, they have to finish up with their previous areas before they can move on to their current areas.  So again, we wait.


The wait had started to get to me.  I just felt like God was moving and pushing me to go see the girls. Of course I am nervous, scared to go fall in love and have things fall apart again.  But even if it does I know I won't regret the time I spend.  I know that it will be better to love fully, to give myself over.  To really engage the process.  To jump.

This summer has been hard.  I pretty much fell apart for a little while.  I was so angry at God, so angry that He wouldn't do what I wanted Him to.  So hard to admit, but so so true.  I remember back    in the summer our staff and spouses met for dinner.  Our hosts were amazing as always and she asked one of her famous questions.  She asked what had delighted us this summer, what brought us joy.  I cried like a baby and said that nothing did, and sadly I meant it.  I was a mess.  I was sad and disheartened and life was just going by day by miserable day.  I knew in that moment something had to change.  This is not the life I wanted and I surely didn't want my kids and my husband left picking up the pieces.

It took a lot of prayer, A LOT of honest prayers to God before I really realized how angry and what a mess I was.  But God is faithful and true, He met me in the midst of that pain.  He already knew my thoughts, He already knew the mess that I was.  He met me in that place.  It was a long, slow climb but slowly I came out of that pit.  I learned that my eyes were once again fixed on the wrong place.  I was so focused on the future, living in the fear of what may or may not happen I couldn't see what was right in front of me.

It happens to everyone.  Everyone struggles and everyone falls.  Most people doubt and I think that's okay.  I kinda don't believe the people who say they have never doubted, I just think they aren't being honest.  That's just me though.

Kenny also did a sermon based out of Daniel.  It was great and really cemented what I had been going through and learning.  Two things really stuck out to me.  One was being faithful in the midst, faithful in the process..  Hard to do but so important.  The second thing was when Shadrach, Meschach, and Abendago were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace.  The Bible said it was  so hot that the guards throwing them in were killed by the flames.  They stood their ground and declared God's faithfulness.  They declared that God would rescue them, and if He didn't still they would praise Him.

It just hit me hard, and I mean hard in a good way.  In this life we will have troubles.  But in this life we have a Saviour.  A Heavenly Father who knows, who sees, and who cares.  It changed my perspective.  It refocused and shifted my thinking.  Not that I don't struggle with fears or doubts or anxiety trying to figure out the future.  But it made me fight those feelings, to trust that God is faithful.

I began to think that it was time to walk in faith.  It was time to love big or go home.  To love no matter the cost.  That God is able.

I really felt like God was moving in my heart.  I felt like I needed to go all in when it came to the girls.  Of course I have been wanting to see the girls but it seemed too costly, too risky.  I kept asking myself, but what if the worst happens again.  I became so overwhelmed with a desire to meet them, to see them and touch them.  To let them know who I am, who we are.  That we are coming.

I went to Kenny sure that he would talk me out of it, tell me to wait just a little bit.  But he didn't.  He said "Sure".  No questions, no doubts, just sure.  He would later go on to tell people that he wasn't getting in front of that train.  Smart man:)  He will stay here with the boys and my mom and I will be flying out soon.  I am so sad he won't be there with me but for so many reasons we feel he needs to stay here.

I am so so excited and nervous all at the same time.  I can't believe that in a few short weeks I will be having the moment I have dreamed of for so long.  Wow.

I needed to write this down.  I needed to remember the moments that God met me.  He met me when I felt like this journey was too hard, the questions too much.  The stress about to take over.  When I finally gave in He gave strength, He gave me laughter, and He gave me peace.  God is faithful.  Over and over again.  Maybe one day I will learn this for good.  But probably not.  I am like those wandering Isrealites, forgetting over and over again who God is.  He was faithful then just like He is faithful now.