Almost A Year....

Wow, I am surprised I remembered  my login code!  I am at a Created for Care conference and I am feeling overwhelmed, surprisingly emotional.

I cannot believe all that has happened in a year.  I just abruptly stopped writing because it felt too big, too much, just too much.  Things went crazy after my last post.

My last post makes it look so neat and pretty, so tied up with a bow.  The reality is so so much different.  My close friends and those in the know would tell you how ugly and overwhelming the last year has been.

I met with an old friend yesterday as she is beginning to walk down her road to adoption.  She is nervous and scared, unsure of what to expect.  I texted with another dear friend who is hoping to travel soon to get her baby girl.  I remember those days leading up to our travel, the fear and longing. Well, mostly from the months leading up to our first court date. I remember the terror of getting everything done and leaving my babies in less than 48 hours.

I am glad to be on the other side.  I told my first friend yesterday that the first six months were awful. Kenny and I whispered in the night wondering what have we done?  This wasn't how we pictured it...

There was so much mind numbing uncertainty, so many questions.  and for me, so many plates of food in my face, slaps on my face, spit on my face from a certain firecracker of a girl.  I just wanted her to love me and I couldn't see how that was ever going to happen.  Now that relationship is healing and evolving, growing but still ever so hard.  Trying to gain trust and picking up pieces when I fail her yet again.  It is a dance of nervous, hand wringing partners, trying to figure out what the next step is..

My other beauty was just so good.  Just way way too good.  As if there was a chance that if she made one wrong step it would all be over... She held her world cupped in her hands, tiptoeing around in case she upset something.  I cried with relief the first day she knowingly disobeyed me, kissing her cheeks and telling her how I loved her, even when she disobeyed.  I love that she disobeys now, glad that she is relaxing a bit and realizing that we are going nowhere.

My boys are my heroes.  They LOVE with abandon and have taken their sisters in with their whole hearts.  They watch over and protect.  They yell when they break their stuff and push back when the girls push too far.  They hold hands and kiss their cheeks.

But it has been hard for them too.  They didn't like seeing their mother hit and spit on.  They couldn't figure out why I didn't respond with more grace or yell more than before we left.  They were so sad when we were gone, they felt abandoned by us.  Jack whispers in the late hours of how sad he was and is, how things weren't quite what he expected.  How could he love and dislike all at the same time?  Why were things not easy now that we were all together?

But we are making it.  The first six months were beyond hard.  Then it just started getting better.  We found our groove and figured out what makes us tick, what makes us the Brown family.  We are getting our stride and coming out of the fog.

I have longed to write and share but it has just been too ugly to put down.  I am not at all who I thought I would be as a mother to my family.  I had notions of being the therapeutic parent that all my kids could turn to.  I had read the books, talked to people, I felt prepared.

Then reality hit and it turns out that I am still just the same old me.  I yell at my kids too much, lose my temper over nothing, and have incredibly high expectations that get shattered over and over again.  I am me.

And in that place of brokenness I find hope.  Not in me or my books, or the latest truth I read on a blog.

I find hope that in my weakness my God is strong.  That He has put us together, just how and when He wanted to do it.  And I can relax a bit and on the good days realize that I DO NOT have all this together, but He is carrying me and my family.

I am so happy to have us all together, so filled with joy when I look around and see those faces.  I love riding in the car and listening to them talk and laugh and dance and fight and try to make each other tow the line.

We are family.  Imperfect and broken but we belong to each other.

There is beauty in that.  To see that from all of our brokenness a beautiful thing is rising up.  I don't always like the redemption analogy.  I worry that it would make my girls feel less than or like they had no worth before the adoption.  But I love the picture of a relentless pursuit by a God who knows and loves far beyond what our finite minds can handle.  I love that my girls who are amazing and funny and sassy and sweet are with us.  That somehow two girls from across the ocean call America their home.

Not to say there is not pain in the midst because there is great pain and loneliness in giving up all that you know and coming across the ocean with two crazy muzungus.  But that love and happiness and peace can come out of that pain is a beautiful thing.

Here is to many more years to come...

A Little Update

So, where to start, where to start.

Right now I will not be sharing specifics of our case, court, etc.  That may come later.  It is becoming clear to me how much all of this will effect the girls one day.  That all this time, all this waiting, and all the sharing I have done is about two little people.  They have big brown eyes and sweet little hearts and PLENTY of sass.  But that this is their story to tell.  That there is something sacred about the details.

I will share some things though because they are THAT good.

We are settling into life in Africa.  So crazy different from American life.  Still really good but really really different.  And also being parents in Africa is so different.  The last time I was here a few weeks ago I was only responsible for me, now it is for my family.  We have been in guesthouses the whole time so far which has been nice in many ways.  Our favorite place is in Jinja.  Jinja is about two hours outside of the capitol of Kampala.  It is quiet and so easy to get around.  My favorite way is to stick the girls in front of me and hop on a boda(scooter).  The girls handle it but I am not sure they like it.  Poor little Joy has never been out of the orphanage so the world is so different for her.

The girls are doing really really well.  We have not had many tantrums, rages, or unconsolable crying.  The first night was a little rough.  They were scared and didn't really know what was going on.  One of them just wailed this heartbroken, deep from her heart sound.  I cried right along with her and I wondered how we would do this.  But then she relaxed and fell asleep.  She woke a few times the first night but settled easily.  We have been able to calm them by holding them tight and sitting them in our laps.

I have been amazed at how well it has gone.  They do tend to just kinda shut down at times and that is when the language barrier is toughest.  I can't ask them questions and help them get through things verbally and that is hard.  I want to hear what is going on in their heads and hearts.  It will come though, but slowly.  We are so grateful that they settle down and relax with us.  They are still vigilant with their surroundings but not as much as I thought they would be.

We go back to court on Friday so that is a big day.  We have some last minute things to do here in Jinja and then we will head back to the capitol.  We found a two bedroom apartment  to rent for the month, weekly actually.  I am a little intimidated by doing all of the meals, most of the cleaning, etc.  The space is nice though.  It is walled in with concrete and barb wire and they have security at night which is all standard for "muzungos".  There is a nice family that owns the house who live next door. They will be very helpful to us.  It has a kitchenette, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, and a living area.  I have been assured there are no bugs inside, hahaha!  I told her to spray anyway please.  Those who know me are laughing right now.  I think it will be good to have our own space and be able to eat when we want, nap when we want, etc.

We appreciate everyone's prayers and support so much.  It is amazing just how many people are thinking of us and praying for us.  I have heard so many times how people were literally hitting their knees at 2:30am for us.  Believe me it worked.  We had so many hurdles in court and I thought it would get thrown out several times.  But each time we kept going.  We feel cautiously optimistic about it and hope to hear good news on Friday.

We got to see their birth family on Friday and will meet with them again tomorrow.  It is hard to describe how special those moments have been.  If you know me then you know how much I want to honor their parents and the sacrifice they are making.   That I want to learn as much about them as I can.  We have a list of questions for them that I hope will make the girls happy one day.

The most beautiful moment by far was last Friday.  I am holding Joy and she is wrapped around me like a pretzel, head on my shoulder.  Annet is holding my hand and pressed in on my side.  We talked to their first mom and dad and I tried to get the girls to go to them.  They wouldn't no matter what I tried.  It was a very surreal moment.  On one hand it felt so good to have the girls in my arms and on the other I felt horribly guilty they wouldn't go.  I didn't want their family to feel sad or upset.

I talked to my orphanage director on the phone later and what she said blew me away.  She said that the family kept saying over and over again just how happy they were.  They only had joy because the girls were so happy and bonding so well.  It was such a selfless stance for them to take.   I was so humbled and grateful that they feel that way.  When we were with them they couldn't stop smiling.  I am sure that there is sadness, deep sadness mixed in with their feelings as well.  But it was so amazing and such a God thing to me.  That love could be that big and wide and self sacrificing.

Overall, things are going well.  I am realizing that we have a really long way to go and the process might be more difficult than I anticipated.  Of course it is, sometimes I shake my head at my optimism, silliness, whatever it is....

I haven't talked much about the boys because every time I do I cry.  It is SO hard to be away from them.  I miss them so very much and just want to see them.  We have facetimed several times and will continue to do so.  We are 8hours ahead here so that makes it tricky.  They are doing great though, I am sure they are wearing everyone out:)  They are so excited about their sisters though and get so excited to talk with them.  The girls are figuring out who the boys are.  I can just see everyone all together and it makes me smile.  They mirror each other in different ways and I can't wait to get everyone home in one place.

Keep the prayers coming, they really matter...  All of it matters.  We were able to talk on facetime with several people and it made us so happy.  We can't post pictures of the girls until we have our visas which will be awhile so some people have gotten to "meet" them and that was so special.

My time in Africa

I have had a hard time sitting down to write.  So many thoughts are always flooding my mind.  So I thought forget it, here goes

It was amazing to be back in Africa.  I LOVED it.  I totally forgot about this adventurous side of me that loves to travel.  The side of me that loves new places and new faces.  I am a homebody to be sure BUT I would travel the world if I could.  

The moment we got off the plane I took a deep breath and smelled "the smell"....  Smokey, trashy, almost spicy.  I don't know what it is about that smell but I like it.  I felt more at home and at peace than I thought I would.  It was familiar to me.  My mother also smelled the smell, she didn't have the same thoughts I did:)  It is funny how that smell is so distinct to me, how it is such a piece of Africa to me.  

We made it to the car with our driver at about 1am or a little after.  I was reminded just a few short minutes after getting in the car how crazy African driving is.  Even in the middle of the night there were pedestrians and animals all along the side of the road.  Boda bodas (scooter/motorcycles) everywhere, weaving in and out of traffic.  Some with good headlights, some not so much.  Adventure right?

We stayed in a guesthouse the first night.  We drove through the red-light district.  So many clubs and bars and people everywhere.  We drove straight up a hill.  By hill I mean really steep hill with such huge deep ruts that I thought our 4wheel drive Land Rover might not make it up.  It was very clean and secure though.  The power went out about an hour after we got there.  Talk about dark.....I was able to text and Skype a little with Kenny when we got there and that was great.  I also got to text my buddy Kelsey, she had hooked me up with a great app called WhatsApp.  Fantastic b/c its free and all you need is wifi.  Probably most people know about it though...

I was so excited to actually be in Africa.  I love the crowds, the smells, the sights, I don't mind filthy dirty feet.  I am fascinated to be there and see everything I can.  We were in the capitol the first night and drove on out to Jinja the next day.  

We spent a week in Jinja which is where our girls live.  We stayed in a guesthouse run by Sole Hope and it was great.  Clean with running water and flushing toilets.  No air condition but fans.  It was really, really hot the first four or five days and then it started raining in the afternoons and cooled off quite a bit.  The guesthouse was so great though.  The organization Sole Hope is doing some amazing things with jiggers and the effect they have on children.  They are a flea that buries itself in feet and then lays eggs.  They are painful and can cause serious problems including infection and gangrene,  Dru and Asher Collie run the program, they are from Asheville, NC.  Asher saw a you tube video and they decided to do something about it.  They moved their whole family out to Uganda.  They clean feet and remove  jiggers in the areas affected.  Then they give the kids shoes to protect them from more jiggers.  They hire Ugandans to make the shoes out of local materials and material that people send over.  A lot of the shoes are made out of old pairs of jeans with rubber tire soles.  So inspiring to see people see a need and then meet the need.  So glad we could support them in some way.

We spent the last 4 days in Kampala.  I really loved Jinja the most though.  It is technically a resort town and situated right on the Nile.  There is a good size town with lots of shops and a surprising number of places to eat.  We got around there mostly by boda which is like a scooter/motorcycle thing.  I loved it of course.  Maybe my mom liked it by the end?  She told them to go slow, she was a jaja after all, (i.e. grandmother) and they obliged.  It cost around $1-$5 for both of us each way depending on where we went.  Very cost effective.  We used a car sometimes, Ugandans don't do anything in the rain.

I was amazed at the technology over there.  I bought a phone at the airport and loaded minutes as I needed them.  Our boda drivers and car drivers all had phones, as did everyone else.  When I would call to set up a ride they would say, "Hello Madam Jenn, do you need a ride?"  It made it super easy to get around.  Even when we had to drive into Kampala with an hours notice I got a few phone numbers and had it set up in 5minutes.  Having the staff at Sole Hope and the family staying with us at the guesthouse was such a blessing.  We had names for everything.

I really couldn't believe all that we got accomplished.  We were able to meet with a new lawyer which I think will really help speed things along.  She is fantastic and has an amazing reputation.  Once we met with the first lawyer I just felt like we needed to make a change.  We STILL have some hurdles to leap but I really feel like if anyone can this done it would be her.  People that work with her cannot speak highly enough of her.  

We got to spend amazing time with the girls which is a whole other post.  As is the time we spent meeting with the girls birth family.  That was such a sacred and special time for me.  So surreal to be sitting in the home that the girls grew up in before the orphanage.  Humbling to say the very least.  Amazing.....

I can't wait to go back.  I am ready to go back whenever I can.  I told our lawyer that I could get on the plane anytime she needed me to:)

We have definitely made progress but still have a ways to go.  Switching lawyers involves significant cost and our trip made me realize how expensive the travel portion of our trip was going to be.  Trusting that God will provide and I know He will.  

We will need to redo some paperwork and get whatever our new lawyer needs.  She is a woman of faith and a strong woman, it radiates from her.  She is very thorough.  We had a two hour meeting with her.  I was hoping to leave with definite answers but the answers aren't completely clear until she  does her own investigative work.  She told me not to worry that we would get this done.  She estimated around 3-5 months to file for a court date which would give us a date in the spring.  

So hard to be back without the girls.  I don't regret a minute of the trip and I was blown away by what we did get accomplished.  Being able to see the girls and meet with everyone we met with was such a huge blessing.  

It solidified again for me too how important it will be to put some form of roots down in Africa.  To figure out a way to get back and see the girl's country, to see their first family when we can.  Africa is a wonderful country.  So different from what we are used to.

One of the hardest things for us was seeing the unending need spread out in front of you, in so many places.  It is overwhelming when you see the need.  BUT it is amazing to meet people and hear about people that are meeting needs one day at a time, one step at a time.

Africans are a very giving people.  They will give you the shirt off their back, even if that means they will go without.  They love their children and they love their country.  We found some neat organizations that we could partner with.  People of so many different backgrounds that are doing something about what they see.

I am looking forward to going back and trying to solidify some of those connections and see how we can help as a family.  To see how we can incorporate Africa into our family.  I don't want the girls to lose that connection, it is too important.  

The day I met you.....

I keep thinking back to the day I met my girls.  In flesh and in person.  The culmination of so many hopes and dreams.  The fruition of all of those prayers and tears.  The longing finally fulfilled.

My mom and I left Kampala that morning not knowing that today would be the day.  That this was THE day...  We got to Jinja and our facilitators told us we would go by the orphanage first.  I had talked to Sharon and we had planned to talk before I met the girls.  However, change of plans...

The girls were eating lunch.  There was no one on one time that day which was fine.  I really wanted to take things slow.   They finished their lunch and went down for their naps right after.  They were sitting at the big table in the middle of the room, eating HUGE quantities of rice and groundnut sauce.  I could not believe how much they were eating.  Maybe I will have two good eaters:)

I will never forget the first moments with both of them.  I was so emotional and trying to hold it in.  This was not the typical "gotcha day" video moment.  The girls wouldn't look at us.  I had planned on spending time with them but not letting them know who I really was.  That was the plan and the director agreed and I thought it was settled.  That ended up changing midway through the week and I was introduced as mama.  Both girls took to the name and voila, my name and plan had changed.

I remember very vividly the moment that Annet looked at me though.  I was standing to the side and watching her eat, I didn't think she even noticed me.  She turned her head to the side and she looked me dead in the eye.  It was surreal to be sharing her gaze and trying to figure out what she was thinking.  Her expression was so guarded but she held my gaze for a good 30seconds.  It took my breath away.  She has beautiful eyes and such a gentle spirit.  It was if she knew I was there for her.  Which of course I was.

I feel like that started a connection for us.  The beginning of knitting these two hearts together.

I didn't feel that connection with Joy.  She flat out ignored me and refused to look at me.  She would steal peeks out of the corner of her eye but there was no way that she was going to look me in the eye.  It was like that for her all week with the exception of the 2nd day.  The second day she was sick.

We walked in to the dining area.  She was sitting there holding her porridge cup to her lips but refusing to drink it.  I don't blame her really.  The nannys were fussing at her.  She had tears in her big brown eyes and she just wouldn't do it.  I sat down beside her and tried to get her to drink some but no dice.  I got her up, she went to the potty, and then I held her in my lap.

At first she was stiff and wouldn't relax.  I turned her toward me and started rubbing her back.  All of a sudden she relaxed and put her arms around me.  Her breathing slowed and her heart stopped racing.  She fell asleep and slept for about an hour.  She was a little warm that day, so much green drainage from her nose and a cough.  That was the beginning of our connection.
It was the only time she relaxed in my arms like that.  The only time she was truly relaxed in my arms.  Everyday we came it took her about 45min to an hour to give us any attention at all.  She is so hesitant and so unsure around me.  It breaks my heart.  The nannys would put her on my lap and make her sit with me.  I just told them to give her time.  That it will be slow, it takes time, etc.  I didn't want to force anything.  It will come though.

Joy has a beautiful smile and such a sweet sweet laugh.  She reserves most of those for her sister.  Every now and then I would get one.  She loves to swing and evidently having me take over the swing set for her and Annet was a big big deal.  We swang and swang and they laughed and laughed and I would have stayed there for hours....

They really love each other and find comfort in each other and for that I am truly grateful.  They will have each other and I think it will be really good for them to have that bond.  Annet certainly looks out for Joy.  She takes care of her and checks in on her.

The second day we came to the orphanage Annet ran to meet us.  She laughed and jumped right in my arms.  Turns out she does that for a lot of muzungos, i.e. white people.  She did hang around a lot though.  Most days she stayed right by our sides, mostly mine:)  I kept her on my lap or by my side whenever I could.  I knew the days would fly by and it would be time to go.  

She is such a caring little girl.  She carries babies all day long and really has a knack for it.  She helps with the special needs kids and gets them to laugh.  I really see such a servant's heart in her.

It has been so difficult to be here and not over there with them.  I have been trying to focus in on the boys and really hunker down with them.  I know that we will be leaving them again, hopefully sooner rather than later.  I want to pour in as much as I can.

The day we left was awful.  I was sick and could barely get out of bed and walk around.  The room spun and I felt dizzy all day, stupid GI bug.  It meant I couldn't leave the house in the morning and we only had a few hours in the afternoon.  It was so sad.

Joy didn't react one way or the other.  She looked at me directly but didn't react when I told her goodbye.  She just went back to playing with her friends.  I guess it was better that way.

Annet broke my heart though.  We told her goodbye and she just shut down.  I have several pictures of when she does this.  It is like she just folds in on herself.  She wouldn't make eye contact and turned her little body away from mine.  Her face went blank.

I thought my heart would break.  I felt like if I let go one little millimeter I would never get myself back together.  I wonder if the mama's thought I was cold or unfeeling?  I most definitely was not, I just knew that I would fall into a million little pieces if I gave in a little.

I am so glad I went to see my babies.  They are real and they are cemented in my heart.  I know that they will fit in our family just right.  I know that there will be challenges but I also know that there will be happy times and good times as well.

It solidified for me what we are doing.  This is right and this is good.  This is what we were called to.  Not because we are heroes or good people.  Not because these girls need saving.  These two girls need a family.  We can be that family and we wouldn't have it any other way.  I was so sad that KB couldn't be there but he will be soon.  He will fall in love just like I did.

My heart is totally split.  I want to get on a plane today.  Trying to be patient and really trying to trust in God's timing.  God knows so much more than I do and His plan is perfect.

One day I will put up pictures and everyone can see for themselves what our babies look like.  I will include some pics of the orphanage though.  Can't tell you who's who though.

The orphanage does amazing work.  Sharon the director is such a fantastic person.  We got to spend a lot of time with her and both of us were so, so blessed.  She is such a caring and kind person.  Jesus shines through her in so many ways.  She does amazing work with the little resources that she has.

Reunification is her first goal.  She longs for families to be kept together and does everything within in her power to keep families together.  The mamas take good care of the children.  We had some really sweet conversation with some of them.  I was able to express my gratitude for all of the hard work we do.  It is hard work let me tell you!  I got in the trenches with them and tried to help out when I could.  My mom wasn't allowed to do any of the "heavy" or "dirty" work.  Jaja's (grandmothers)  are very respected and revered in Ugandan culture.  I might have teased her about this:)

These are pictures of the grounds and of the orphanage.  Can't wait to go back.....

Bulbs

I keep reminding myself that the highs are high and the lows are low.  The roller coaster continues.  I just am tired of riding it, really tired of it.

I have a trip planned in 4 short weeks.  I made it thinking that everything has been done.  That all I am waiting on is a court date.  That is what we have been led to believe from way over in the African continent.  Turns out that there is a lot not done.  No affidavit from a key family member.  No DNA tests are done.  A checklist that needs to be completed before our lawyer will submit for court.

I just want to fly over there and knock some heads.  What happened to the submitting for a court date "asap"?????  Why do we suddenly have to be so "cautious"?????

I just really don't have the words right now.  I got that email and the wind was knocked out of my sails. The fear that has been lurking raised up and threatened to swallow me whole.  That fear lives in the back of my mind, it is hard to fight, hard to squash.

I talked to the director of the program.  She didn't know the specifics of our case but she listened to me. She heard my tears and I am sure felt my discouragement.  She said she wished I could see them all in their offices banging their heads on their desks and their walls.  We have been told that everyone knows our story, I am sure they have a many stories like ours.  This process is not for the faint of heart....

She encouraged me to still go on our trip.  That the facts haven't changed, the timeline has.  That they are pushing for us.  They are trying to create as much urgency around our case as they can.  "Africa time"  is a crazy thing.  We have no concept of it here.  We expect things to be done and they are.  Blech!!**@@#%^&%&*^

Then, I came across a facebook post linking to Ann Voskamp.  Oh Ann, you are amazing.  The words that she writes are so full of truth, so needed, and so beautifully written.  The post took some lines out of her latest blog post and it was so powerful, so needed, and so for me.  For the process, for the girls, for our family.

"We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good.  Good always necessitates long waiting.  This waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God.  Every person needs hope planted at the bottom of their hole".... she was planting bulbs and had a friend in need, a friend in a dark place.  She had some beautiful analogies, some beautiful truth written.

The reality is that my circumstance today do not change the will and the plan of God.  I wrestle and pray for these girls, for this adoption to go through.  When the bumps come sometimes I doubt myself.  Did I not hear you Lord?  Did you not move in our hearts?  Is this love, this very real love, we feel for the girls for nothing?

And that is hard.  To want and long, but to not to know the end.

It makes me cling tight to Him sometimes and run far away sometimes.

Nothing changes who He is though.  Nothing changes the fact that I am a daughter of the King.  A treasured member of His family.  That my Abba father knows the end.  He sees what I cannot dare to hope.  He works and moves in ways that I cannot even fathom.

He is for love.  He is for sacrifice.  He IS for adoption.  He is for a hope that won't quit.

A hope in the reality of who He is.  Knowing He is who He says He is.  That no matter the outcome, HE IS GOOD.  He is strong enough to carry our load and our sorrow.

He carries our joy too.  That on the day when we our dreams come true He is right there smiling and rejoicing with us.

I will choose hope today.  I will choose to plant my own bulb in that deep dark hole.  Knowing that in time something beautiful will spring forth.  That He can take my longings, my prayers, and my tears and He can bring beauty.

I pray even more fervently for the girls and our family today.  For all of the families that are in our spot right now.  There is one who doesn't want it to happen, who will fight with all he has to make sure it doesn't happen.

One foot in front of the other, day by day.  Annet and Joy, here I come.  In four weeks I am getting on that plane and I am coming to see you.  To hold your faces in my hands, your hands in mine.  I am clinging to the hope that God is moving.  That He called us and brought us to the two of you, my daughters.

Some may shake their heads, thinking the risk is too much, the chance for pain too deep.  I feel the same way sometimes.  BUT I know who my Savior is.  I know He is big enough and compassionate enough to grant the desire of our heart.

He is big enough no matter what.

6 weeks baby!

I am flying to Uganda in 6 weeks and three days!!!!  Wow.  I can't believe I am even typing those words.  No, I don't have a court date.  No, the girls will not be coming back with me.  BUT I will meet my babies and that is enough for now.  My mom will be flying out with me which will be super special.  How neat for her to see their life, their home, and their country.  How neat for them to meet her before they come to America, to connect with her and her with them.  She will be able to talk about the time they spent together.  So cool.

We are still waiting for a court date but that doesn't seem like it will be coming anytime soon.  The private investigation is done.  Supposedly all of the paperwork, DNA tests, affadavits, ect. are done as well.  The courts reopened in mid-August.  When they reopened all of the judges had moved around to different areas.  We got assigned a judge and I love her name.  Her name is the same as a very good friend of mine, I like to think it is a good omen.  Even though I don't believe in omens, I like it just the same.   We are waiting for the opportunity to file for a court date, they have to finish up with their previous areas before they can move on to their current areas.  So again, we wait.


The wait had started to get to me.  I just felt like God was moving and pushing me to go see the girls. Of course I am nervous, scared to go fall in love and have things fall apart again.  But even if it does I know I won't regret the time I spend.  I know that it will be better to love fully, to give myself over.  To really engage the process.  To jump.

This summer has been hard.  I pretty much fell apart for a little while.  I was so angry at God, so angry that He wouldn't do what I wanted Him to.  So hard to admit, but so so true.  I remember back    in the summer our staff and spouses met for dinner.  Our hosts were amazing as always and she asked one of her famous questions.  She asked what had delighted us this summer, what brought us joy.  I cried like a baby and said that nothing did, and sadly I meant it.  I was a mess.  I was sad and disheartened and life was just going by day by miserable day.  I knew in that moment something had to change.  This is not the life I wanted and I surely didn't want my kids and my husband left picking up the pieces.

It took a lot of prayer, A LOT of honest prayers to God before I really realized how angry and what a mess I was.  But God is faithful and true, He met me in the midst of that pain.  He already knew my thoughts, He already knew the mess that I was.  He met me in that place.  It was a long, slow climb but slowly I came out of that pit.  I learned that my eyes were once again fixed on the wrong place.  I was so focused on the future, living in the fear of what may or may not happen I couldn't see what was right in front of me.

It happens to everyone.  Everyone struggles and everyone falls.  Most people doubt and I think that's okay.  I kinda don't believe the people who say they have never doubted, I just think they aren't being honest.  That's just me though.

Kenny also did a sermon based out of Daniel.  It was great and really cemented what I had been going through and learning.  Two things really stuck out to me.  One was being faithful in the midst, faithful in the process..  Hard to do but so important.  The second thing was when Shadrach, Meschach, and Abendago were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace.  The Bible said it was  so hot that the guards throwing them in were killed by the flames.  They stood their ground and declared God's faithfulness.  They declared that God would rescue them, and if He didn't still they would praise Him.

It just hit me hard, and I mean hard in a good way.  In this life we will have troubles.  But in this life we have a Saviour.  A Heavenly Father who knows, who sees, and who cares.  It changed my perspective.  It refocused and shifted my thinking.  Not that I don't struggle with fears or doubts or anxiety trying to figure out the future.  But it made me fight those feelings, to trust that God is faithful.

I began to think that it was time to walk in faith.  It was time to love big or go home.  To love no matter the cost.  That God is able.

I really felt like God was moving in my heart.  I felt like I needed to go all in when it came to the girls.  Of course I have been wanting to see the girls but it seemed too costly, too risky.  I kept asking myself, but what if the worst happens again.  I became so overwhelmed with a desire to meet them, to see them and touch them.  To let them know who I am, who we are.  That we are coming.

I went to Kenny sure that he would talk me out of it, tell me to wait just a little bit.  But he didn't.  He said "Sure".  No questions, no doubts, just sure.  He would later go on to tell people that he wasn't getting in front of that train.  Smart man:)  He will stay here with the boys and my mom and I will be flying out soon.  I am so sad he won't be there with me but for so many reasons we feel he needs to stay here.

I am so so excited and nervous all at the same time.  I can't believe that in a few short weeks I will be having the moment I have dreamed of for so long.  Wow.

I needed to write this down.  I needed to remember the moments that God met me.  He met me when I felt like this journey was too hard, the questions too much.  The stress about to take over.  When I finally gave in He gave strength, He gave me laughter, and He gave me peace.  God is faithful.  Over and over again.  Maybe one day I will learn this for good.  But probably not.  I am like those wandering Isrealites, forgetting over and over again who God is.  He was faithful then just like He is faithful now.

An Update....

Still here, still waiting:)

I have such a hard time sitting down in this place to write.  I have so much to say, so very very much.  I am just not sure all of it needs to be put here.  It is a little scary to have it all out in the open for all to see.  All 5 of my blog followers, ahem......

But seriously there is so much swirling in this head of mine.

I know that people are wondering where we are and what is going on.  I have felt such love and support through this process and it means a lot.  I always feel bad that I am not keeping an up to the minute blow by blow account on this blog.  But it is what it is.

We are still waiting for things to move and happen.  It still looks as if we will get our sweet girls.  Which obviously makes us so happy.  Nervously happy that is.

We hired a private investigator and he has finished.  We got the final report a few weeks ago.  Can I just say what a punch in the gut it was to read his words and see pictures of their family and home.  The details just broke my heart.  I wonder what they will remember, what stories will be told in the next few years.  The more I read of adult adoptees the more I realize that many many children remember far more than you give them credit for.  That those details stick in their brain.  That most importantly even if they don't remember specifics, they remember the fear, sadness, and grief of those moments.  That in their little short lives they have experienced a tremendous loss.  It is intimidating to realize these things, to think of parenting through these things.

Kenny, Luke, and I also got to meet the orphanage director of where the girls are living right now.  Wow.....what a blessing.  She is an amazing lady, I was so touched by her heart and her gentle spirit.  She is Ugandan and has spent time in an orphanage herself.  She went away for school and came back to Uganda to serve her people.  She has started a great organization, Arise and Shine Uganda, that does so many different things.  You can see her love for the children and families she serves so clearly.  She was in America for a month and was in Durham of all places.

It was so amazing to sit face to face and ask her questions.  I had so many and of course thought of a million more once we got home.  She answered specific questions we had been wondering about.  She told us all about the girls and their personalities.  We fell even more in love with them.  It was fun to hear about their daily life.  We learned a little more about their likes and dislikes, their favorite things, etc

It was such an encouragement for us.  A gift.

I also had a conversation with our caseworker at our agency that put to rest  a fear I had.  I wanted to make sure that their mom didn't want to parent the girls herself.  I knew she had changed her mind.  I just wanted to know what she meant by that.

I know she couldn't care for the girls herself.  I know that they didn't have any family that could.  I know this was a fact.  I know the facts.

I also know that she cares for and loves her girls deeply.  That when she was told wrong information and thought they would not be taken care of she immediately changed her mind.

I am a mother too.  I can't imagine the choice that she had to make, I can't imagine the circumstances that brought all of us to this point.

I want her to have the respect she deserves.  I want her to be seen as the mother she is.  So much of what has happened is no fault of hers, were things beyond her control.  That she was unable to do anything about any of it.  That even though she faltered she came back.  SHE CAME BACK.

Who among us has not wavered anyway.  I did find out that she was not looking to parent the girls herself, that she truly can't do that.  That she wants the best for them but can't do that for them.

It was such a load off my shoulders.  To know that I wasn't taking girls from a mother who wanted to care for them..... I couldn't have done it.  I as a mother myself couldn't have done that.  It was an important distinction for us, a question that Kenny and I needed to be answered.

The fact remains that for all of their life they will wonder about her.  They will ask me questions about her.  They might even put her on a pedestal.  After all, she won't be the mother that makes them eat their vegetables and say no.

All of this is okay.  It is important to me that they will have the space to feel how they feel and ask questions.

All of it feels murky to me, gray and unclear.  But beautiful all the same.  Messy and complicated and oh so worth it.

I know that we will be a family.  That I will be mama to them.  I will kiss their tears away, calm their fears, feed them, and take care of them.  That they will sit in my lap and share my heart just as the boys do.

I just want to acknowledge that adoption is not always as clear cut and black and white as people make it out to be.  I didn't know until I got into this process how hard it would be.  That you see up close what sin and choices do to families on both sides of the issue.  That there is so much grief that comes with it.  My heart has grieved so much for them and what they will give up to become part of our family.

 I also know that all four of us are so ready to have them here.  To bring them in and wrap them in love.  To knit together and just be family.  My hands are itching to touch their faces, to look in their eyes, and hold their little hands.  To wrap my arms around them and never ever let go....

Now, we wait for DNA testing.  I had thought it was done with the investigation but of course not.  This is just a formality but we and our agency want it done.  THEN we get a court date again.  Then we go get the girls.  We are praying fervently for a court date to be assigned before July 15th, when the courts close for a month.

We are weary and beyond exhausted in this process.  We are confident that God is near though.  That He knows far more than we do.  I truly think that in a few years we will look back and say, oooohhhhh that's why.  And if we don't it won't matter anyway:)

Are Your Hands Up?

I was telling someone about how our roller coaster ride continues.  I had a mental picture of people riding down the hills with their arms up high, laughing and screaming with glee.  I don't think that is how I have been riding this roller coaster lately:)

The short of the story is that Annet and Joy's birth mom has changed her mind again.  She is now willing for us to take the girls again.  There were a lot of untrue things that were told to her and she got scared.  When she realized the truth she changed her mind again.  So a week after the most devastating call in my life we got another call.  One that was cautiously optimistic, there might still be a chance.

I wish I could say that we jumped right on that.  I cried and cried.  My heart was so broken and it seemed cruel to hope again lest it be shattered one more time.  But then again, these girls were already daughters to me.  I am sure outwardly I had been reserved.  I really had not truly believed that we were actually going to bring them home until a few days before we got the first call.  But truly in my heart they are my daughters.

We are attempting to hire a private investigator.  I really thought they would be hired and done by now, it has been 8 weeks.  (Insert my husband hysterically laughing here)  I still haven't figured out that Africa time is so different than my time.  We want a third party investigation and so does our agency.  Just to make sure we know all we can know, that we answer as many questions as we can.  We are really close to hiring the investigator, so I hear.

I am tired and weary.  I am tired of the limbo, tired of not knowing.  I think that has been the hardest part of all.  I am a planner, a doer, and fairly organized.  I really like a good plan.

This process is not what I expected.  But when does life ever go like you plan anyway?

I  think the path you take to the destination is often more important than the destination itself.  That the things you learn and the ways you change matter the most.

I do love a good roller coaster ride.  Climbing the big hill, the moment of anticipation right before the drop.  Mostly I love the thrill of going upside down and careening around curves and speeding down the hills.  It is really fun.

I want to view this whole journey in a more positive light but it is hard.  I understand this is where the analogy breaks down, my life is not an amusement park ride.  I think back though.  I look at Jack and all the drama leading up to his birth.  Preterm labor,   multiple hospital stays, emergency surgery, an unexpected delivery 2 months early, months in the hospital and then home.

 I remember the calm after the storm too.   I remember our first full day home.  It was cold and snowing outside.  Just Jack and I at home.  I remember his cute little five pound body and face.  We stayed in bed or on the couch most of the day.  Napping, feeding, napping, feeding......It was heaven.  It was what I had wanted all those years.  I will never forget the magic of that day.  The Christmas tree in the corner, stockings on the mantle, and the best Christmas gift I could have received in my arms.

It helps to remember the good days though.  All the trials were worth it.  All of the blood, sweat, and tears, totally worth it.  That no sacrifice was too great, no mountain too high to get my little man home.

I like to dream of the day when we are all under one roof.  I  close my eyes and I see all of us together.  I love these girls, I want them home with us.

Today in the boys devotional it talked about not worrying about the future.  Not focusing on the past.  Knowing that God has a plan and is with us every step of the way.  Even when we can't see the way.  He does and He knows.

It was a good reminder to me.  Jack said "yeah, like our past is really sad but God is still here.  We don't know our future but God does".  We prayed together and it was a holy moment.  God filled the spaces of fear and anxiety in that moment with His peace.

I have hope today, the door has opened just a crack.  I can see the light peeking out.

I don't know how this ride will end.  I want to learn as I walk though.  I want to become more like Christ in the process.  I want to feel the joy in the sacrifice, the satisfaction of hard work paid off.  I know that this struggle is not in vain.

This roller coaster ride of emotions, time, money, and faith will be worth it in the end.

Lost referrals 3 and 4.....

I have been hesitant to sit down and write, not quite sure of what would come pouring out on this keyboard.  We lost the referral for the girls on March 8th, 6 days before we were supposed to leave.  It still seems like a bad dream, I keep walking around in a daze.  I wish I could pinch myself awake and fly on out to Uganda.  I still cannot believe that my girls are not coming home to live with us.  I close my eyes and see their faces, permanently etched in my heart and in my brain.  I fight the feeling to just get back in bed and sleep the sadness away.  I wander around in their room, hold their dolls, and rock in the rocking chair.  I question God why?? Why 6 days before?  Why did we think they were ours for 7 months?  Why, why, why?  None of it makes sense.  I cry and grieve and wish it were different.  I wish we weren't back at this place.  I think it is a common refrain in my life, in everyone's life really.  Being stuck and in places that you wish you weren't, places revisited, places unwelcome....

My family is my lifeline right now.  Kenny is my rock and we are pulled to each other, I don't want him to leave my side and vice versa.  But life goes on, one day at a time.  The boys are grieving in their own way.  Luke is processing out loud with so many different people, people he knows and strangers, everyone has to hear his story.

He can't figure it out.  We kept the story simple and told the boys that mom was sick but got medicine and now she is better, she is going to keep her girls.  I was tucking him in the other night and he asked me a lot of questions.  The one that stuck out was "why is it so weird in Africa?  when the mommies get sick they take their babies away?  and why did they not give her medicine first?"  I think he was thinking of how I get sick sometimes with a cold or bug, he knows nothing of HIV.  How to answer these questions for a 5 year old boy struggling to understand?  Our simple explanation actually caused a lot more questions.  I explained that sometimes people change their minds, that sometimes people get better and nobody thought they would.  It is a hard question though.  No way to truly answer his questions right now, that would be too much of a burden for him.

So many conflicting emotions right now.  So many people want a clear cut answer on what exactly happened.  The simple answer is this- there were extenuating circumstances that no one knew about.  There is a lot more to it but that is what it comes down to.   That due to these circumstances mom has changed her mind and is taking the girls to live with her.  We hope and pray that this is the best solution for these little girls.  We hope with all of our heart that they will be taken care of.  We are glad they can know their mom and stay with her, we just know that their circumstances will be hard, their life is about to change yet again.

And as much as we are hurting, we hurt more for Annet and Joy.  We love them and long for them to be safe, happy, and healthy.    And truly?  We won't have those answers.  We will wonder about them and pray for them and never forget them.  They are part of our story.  Part of our story is having our eyes open.  To realize that in all of this the one's who lose the most are the children, in all of this the children are most at risk.  It is a sobering reality that has changed us, it has moved us to ask what is our role in all of this?  How can we make a difference in this?

It has changed our children too.  Jack asks me questions too.  He has been so quiet this time around. He is processing and thinking, just keeping it to himself.  When we told the boys he cried and cried but his first question was, "wait, we are doing this again right?"  When we did decide to move forward he said he was really sad but glad we were going to do it again.  He told me that it was the right thing to do, that there were lots of kids that needed families.  I was so proud of him and am praying that this time it will happen, that he will get the brothers or sisters he longs for.  He also told me that now he has two cracks in his heart, that if it works out and he gets siblings that the cracks would heal up, "just a little bit".  I told him he was right, that the pain will fade but will always be there.

All of this has caused me to put my money where my mouth is.  I remember how I stood on stage a few weeks ago.  I talked about all the pain and circumstances that had led up to that moment.  How God was redeeming that pain.  How He planted a desire so long ago and it came to fruition.  How He was knitting our family together with girls 1/2way around the world and transforming our family.  I talked about the greatness and the faithfulness of God.

And today I think about those words, I think about how the story right now is so different.  Do I still have that peace?  Do I still have that joy and certainty in the faithfulness of God?  Yes.  Yes, I do.  How I do is a supernatural gift.  I don't have the strength to go on, truly I don't think I have the strength to endure this again but He does.  This peace I have, this hope I have is from my Heavenly Father.  I like to think that when this door shut there is another door open down the road.

It comes down to this:  our family and our hearts were moved and opened to this call on our lives.  Our experiences and time in Africa, our love of our little family and our desire to grow, our miscarriage and hard pregnancies and reproductive issues led us to this road.  We don't feel released from this path.  We are beyond weary and sad.  We are making it day by day.  But we walk with faith, we walk in the light of the God of third, fourth, and millionth chances.

Our God is bigger and stronger than anything I could ever ask or imagine.  He hems me in.  He lifts my head and weeps with me.  He wants to set the lost in families.  It has opened our eyes to the bigger picture, the hard realities of international adoption.  It has made us ask tough questions and walk with our eyes and hearts a little more wide open.  We wait with anticipation, we wait to see what will happen next.  We wait......

Community

My husband and I both had some really neat interactions with people today.  He was at karate with Jack.  There was a woman sitting beside him.  They were talking about the kids and she mentioned that her son was a preemie.  Kenny mentioned that both our sons had been preemies.  He said she opened up and laid it all out.  Her son was born at 28 weeks and spent a full 12 weeks in the hospital. Wow.  She turned to him at one point and said that it took all the joy out of her next pregnancy.  Kenny said it felt so good to know he wasn't the only one to mourn that loss.  How it wasn't just us who look at those movie moments where mom, dad, and baby are all snuggled on the bed.  How instead our first moments were behind walls of plastic with your wife's co-workersl looking on.

I have been emailing back and forth with another adopting mama from Texas.  She is adopting two little boys through our agency in Uganda.  It has been so encouraging to share emails even though we have never met in person.  She was talking about how there has been so much sadness mixed in with the joy.  It felt good to hear another peson's lips speak my heart.  This journey has been lonely.  I have wanted validation and understanding, someone who knows.

It was a comforting thing for both of us.  I feel like we have been hard to read in these last few years.  I often feel as if I am doing this all wrong.  I even had a terrible dream last night where I had a group of friends sit me down and tell me I WAS doing it all wrong, that they were disappointed in me.  Now, these friends would never say that and I don 't think they feel that but obviously that insecurity is still there.

So much of this journey has been bittersweet, especially the last 6 months or so.  With the first referral of our Hope and Isaiah we just jumped right in.  There is video of us telling the boys, there is video of the boy's thoughts on adoption, and video of cupcakes we had for Isaiah's birthday.  I look back at that video and our faces and the difference is startling.  This time around there was no video of telling the boys, no cupcakes.

We are so excited for the girls.  I didn't even honestly realize that we hadn't done those things.  Even when we told the boys it was followed up with "if they get to come home".  I hate that there has been such a difference but that is the reality.  I have had people tell me multiple times to let go of the past, enjoy the moment.  There have been so many enjoyable moments.  So many moments of excitement and fun.  Buying bows and dresses.  Hearing the boy's take on what life will be like with girls, hilarious.  Luke told me the other day he was NOT going to wear a dress even if the girls were sad.  (he was dressing up as a ninja at the time).

I guess what I am realizing is that my joy is manifesting itself in peace.  That I don't have that giddy excitement at the moment but I feel peace.  That these sweet girls have suffered so much grief and loss in their short life and will face even more upheaval and grief to come when we bring them home.  That I as their mother feel that pain and loss deeply.  That as happy as I am to bring them home it is not without a price.  That grafting together as a family is not about a plane ride home and a big airport party.

I rejoice in the promise of what is before us.  I rejoice in the redemption that God will bring to their loss and pain.  We are not saviors to these girls, we are not their rescuer.  They are simply my daughters.  They are sisters, well prayed for and talked about all the time.  That God in His mercy has allowed me another chance to parent.  That my long awaited desire to have more children is being realized.  That all the notions of what I thought my family would look like is being blown out of the water.  I know that it will be even richer and better than I thought.

I will remember these words in the days and months to come.  That when I am overwhelmed in the moment or wondering how to raise 4 children these days were already ordained, they are a gift from God.  

Decisions, Decisions

We are in the throes of school decisions for next year.  It is so hard to know what to do......So many choices, so many voices.

I am surprised over and over again by grief.  How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times.  Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year.  However, I don't know that he is ready.  I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart.  I mean in reality it doesn't matter.  If he's not ready, he is not ready.  It hurts though.  I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less.  I read and commented on a post today.  It resonated with me and gave me some peace.  That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.

Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others.  Most people never see the struggles that he faces.  His delays are there though.  There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes.   In so many many areas he shines.  In so many areas he excels.  In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for.  It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root.  It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far.  It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made.  It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more.  It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place.  It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy",  "delays", and "time will tell".  It was a horrible, scary day.  A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.

In reality I see him as so much more.  My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is.  We just do what we have to do.  I am in love with my son.  I am in love with who he is and who he has become.  He is funny and sweet.  He is tough.  He is determined.  He wants what he wants and will not let things go.  He is my bull dog.

I think today I will change my view.  I will look at this differently and fight that fear.  To have confidence in my creator and Savior.  That He is aware of my heart and my struggles.  He knows Luke and He has been there all along.  That He is faithful.  That He will provide.  The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act.  I only have to look back to see His work in my life.  I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.

I am aware again that a day does not make a life.  That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis.  I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life.  But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace.  His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words.  He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis.  I stand in awe of my son.  I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do.  I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges.  I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.

Drivel....

What to say, what to say.....

I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately.  Ummmm, not well.  (and that is an understatement).  I am in a fog.  I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do.  My mind is constantly in Uganda:)

Today was good though.  My travel advisor is awesome.  I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her.  She was practically begging for me to call and bug her!  No really, she was!  She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her.  (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too)  So, I did.  And it was great.

I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile.  I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them.  It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good.  It felt really good.  I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat.  Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week.  That would be amazing.

It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon.  I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here.  We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now.  We WILL go back.  Uganda will always be a part of our lives.  Just not right now.  It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke.  If I really think about I just dissolve into tears.  They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me.  I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!"  and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening.  Make up my mind already!

They have big plans while we are gone.  We have amazing family that will watch over them for us.  I just want to be the one to do that.  I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy.  I know he will be a handful.  He just will.  He will be emotional and teary.  He will be whiny.  He will be a pain.  I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy.  He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy.  I know that he will be fine.  It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.

Luke won't even miss us, ha!  He will but it will be on the inside.  He will get grouchy and moody.  He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way.  Then the storm will pass and he will be fine.  It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone.  He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him.  They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.

I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours.  We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like.  I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster.  But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.

I am just feeling so antsy.  I have a hard time focusing.  This part of the wait has been the hardest.  I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems.  In my dreams they are always just out of reach.  I wake up right before I open the door to where they are.  Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them.  So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters.  It's allright though, that is as it should be.  "My daughters",  I really like the sound of that......

Wow, so it has been a really long time since I posted something.  And we have really exciting news!

We got a court date for April.  April 2nd at 11:00 AM to be exact.  So excited, so over the moon excited for that development.

I laugh that I haven't written it down here.  That I haven't posted it.  I shared it, a lot of people know about it but I didn't share it here.

I think I wanted to hold it close.  To think over it, rejoice over it, just bask in it.  Finally, we have a date.  I wanted this whole holiday season to be different.  Quiet, sacred.  I knew that it was our last as a family of four.  Our last with just the boys.  Of course I am so excited about the girls but I would be lying if I said there wasn't some anxiety mixed in too, well a lot of anxiety.  If I could leave tomorrow I would, I most definitely would.  But I wanted to enjoy the season as it is right now.

It has been a special time.  The court date made me focus on the here and the now, what I have right in front of me.  I was so irritated that the date was so far off when we first heard about it.  I cried and cried that it was so far away.  I was expecting February and even that felt so far away.  Then I thought that maybe there was a reason for the delay, what my mind considers a delay anyway.  Then all of these things popped up that needed to be taken care of,  many things that we can iron out and set in place before we go.  That is a blessing in itself.  So many decisions to make regarding the boys and school, especially Luke.  Lots of options to iron through and paperwork to turn in, you know the drill.

I started to see the wait as a blessing.  An opportunity.  Don't get me wrong, I still am on pins and needles wanting to wrap my arms around those girls.  Oh my goodness, I just want to go right now.  BUT I took the opportunity and I have been blessed.  It has been such a gift to have it taken out of my hands.  It has been a gift to have time to sit and anticipate Christmas, the birthday of my Savior.  Life is so busy and it is so hard to do that.

I can't say it was all sacredness and peace, not by a long shot.  But there were so many beautiful moments and days.  It was special.  To talk over the real meaning of Christmas with the boys and have them experience that.  Time to watch goofy movies, time to really read and talk about Jesus and His story from the very beginning.  About how Jesus truly is a light shining into the darkness, peace in the midst of chaos.  It was pretty awesome.

I am sitting by my tree, boys playing happily nearby.  So content and happy.  So blessed in so many ways.  I am filled with anticipation of what is to come.  How our household is going to increase very soon and I am so excited.  So very very ready to bring my daughters home.  So glad for the opportunity I had to rest and recharge, to ready my spirit.  God is so good.

Getting closer......

Things are going well, really well.  We have never been this far in the process and we are waiting with bated breath.  We passed our investigation and received court documents in the mail on Friday.  Yay!!! So we are getting SO much closer!!  I will be talking to our case worker on Monday or Tuesday to figure out what exactly I need to do with the paperwork.  THEN our lawyer in Uganda will file for a court date!!!  So excited and hopeful.  It is only a matter of months now,  there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a lot of light:)

I just cannot imagine what it will really be like.  I am so used to the way things are now, the four of us.  I wonder about the personality of the girls.  Annet seems so spunky and social.  I have gotten some really cute pictures of her and she has a smile that lights up a room.  She also has this really cute way of looking out the corner of her eyes and smiling, makes me want to eat her up.  Joy hasn't shown me a smile yet.  The few pictures I have of her show a beautiful and serious little girl.  She seems to have some significant speech delays  so I am interested to meet her and see where she is.  I just want to hug and squeeze her, to make her belly laugh.

I have been trying to prepare the boys somewhat for when the girls come home.  I have told both of them, especially Jack that it probably will not be quite like they expect.  I read a blog post not long ago about a family's transition that was rough, how the sibling relationship hadn't developed like they thought it would.  It was different than how they imagined it would be.   I was explaining to Jack how we have been thinking about, praying about, and been excited about getting new siblings for over 2 years now.  How they might not even know about us yet. How they might not be so excited to be over here in the beginning.  I have tried to explain how much they will be giving up and how scared they might be.  I have explained that some of his feelings might not be so happy and that is okay.  How he and Luke will be giving up some things and they might not be so happy either.  How all feelings are okay, good or bad.

It is hard for me to imagine what all the girls will be going through in the next few months.  I cannot imagine the confusion and even heartache they will feel in the beginning.  Their life has been so full of disruption and change.  They have known true hunger and they know what it is to be without.  Now they know the love of the staff at the orphanage, they know what it is to have a full belly and a place to stay.  They look amazing and the home where there are is great.  I feel like about the time they have started to relax or already relaxed then it will change again.

I fully expect them to resent that change on some level, even if they don't even know what it is they are feeling.  I am sure they won't know how to process what is even going on.  I am sure there will be some hard days to come.  I am also sure that our God is big enough to meet those needs.  I know that God has orchestrated all of this to put our  family together.  I also know that in a perfect world they would have been able to stay with their first mom and be taken care of.  I grieve that they will always have a void, they will always wonder what if.  Or maybe not, who knows?  I think every child asks those questions on some level.  Wondering what it would be like to be born to another family, another life.

I know these are questions, concerns that play out over years and lifetimes.  I get intimidated when I read too much, try to prepare too much.  The bottom line is that I think God can redeem every situation if He is allowed and let in.  That God moves in the darkness and sheds His light.  That we can be a wonderfully happy, healthy, and whole family.  I believe that we will be.  I can picture them here,  I walk in their room and picture putting them to bed, reading stories, saying prayers.  I can picture us all around the dinner table and it makes me smile.  I can picture them laughing with their brothers, and their brothers watching over them.

So much goes through this head of mine.  So many thoughts, worries, and dreams.  We are close and I am ready to be TOGETHER.  We can begin to live out what we have dreamed of for so long.  What a wonderful day that will be.  No matter the road I am ready to start walking!

Malachi chapter 1

Got an email today that things are still looking good and the investigation is close to being over!  Be still my heart.....  The orphanage director and our lawyer will be meeting soon to discuss our case.  I was so glad to hear again that movement is happening.

I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news.  I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found.  How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle.  It has been hard.  My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not.  My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be.  My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.

My heart, that is another thing all together.  My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension.  My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine.  My words are terse, my  fuse oh so short.  My kids look at me like I am crazy.  Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.

But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul.  We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group.  She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God.  It was like a lightbulb moment.  On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt.  Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith.  I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.

 In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders.  God answered them.  It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb.  How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life?  How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?

That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me.  That God is patient.  God made us in His image.  He meets us in our weakness.  We have a brain and he lets us use it.  Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears?  Absolutely.  But He hears us anyway.  He meets us in that place.

It made my heart glad.  I feel lighter.  I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us.  My soul feels peace.  It is a good feeling, it has been awhile.  It may fade tomorrow but today it is here!  So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.

Checking In

It has been such a long time since I have written, not because I don't have a lot to say, lots of what I want to say just doesn't come easy.  We had dinner with old friends from Texas last night, the husbands of families we were in ministry with, families we still dearly love and miss.  It reminded me of how big the world is, how life goes on and on, not stopping for me and what we are going through.  I am amazed at how much had changed in those 7 years and how little things had changed.  So grateful for friendships built on faith and common purpose.  So grateful for the years that were spent pouring into us, loving us, supporting us, molding us.  Just grateful.....

Kenny also had dinner with a friend on Tuesday night.  I wasn't there but I loved hearing about their adoption.  They brought an 18mo little girl home from Ethiopia not that long ago.  It is going great.  I have been reading so much, over thinking too much, I have pretty much just scared myself silly.  I DO think it is good to be prepared, that you need to know what to look for, how to promote long and lasting attachment.  I really do.  They had a funny moment though and I think there is truth to it.  They were commiserating how their wives are always after them to read this, read that.  Bob said he looked at her one day and said, "I'm going by instincts here"!  Part of me cringed.  Well a lot of me cringed but then I thought, there is a lot of truth to that.

So much of parenting is instinct.  So much hinges on the moment, the child, the situation.  I have always said I was an amazing parent, BEFORE I had kids.  It is really hard and there is no one stop shop.  What works for one will not work for all.  We have the basic rules/strategies but how I best love and discipline and train up my children is so different.  I am constantly amazed that I can in fact stretch and bend to suit the moment.  I am an orderly, task oriented person.  I can in fact be a rigid person.  Not in all areas but I have an ideal that I never seem to reach.   Parenting has taught me so much about grace and how God's love is big and transforming.  That even if I feel it must be this way, it really doesn't have to be.

I have been a little worried about how I am going to manage four kids.  Wondering what it is going to be like.  Have I said I like order?  I am not a huge fan of chaos yet I know that we will learn to be friends.  I keep telling myself it will be structured chaos or organized chaos but who am I kidding?  Surprisingly though, even with all my anxiety there is a peace.  God is there whispering in my ear that it will be all right, He is already there.  He knows when I sit, when I rise, before a word is on my lips He knows it.  He is already with the girls.  He has brought us together for a reason.

I think about these girls all the time.  It is a very hard place to be.  Everything is going well, things are moving forward.  Paperwork and investigations are getting done, slowly but surely.  I am hopeful but so scared at the same time.  I want them home, I want them with me.  I think it will happen.  I want it to happen and I want it to happen soon.  People say that I don't seem excited and that stings a little.  I am human.  I wish I could live in the moment, embrace more fully that they are ours but in reality they are not, not yet.  I have gotten several pictures lately and they look good.  Annet is happier, she is becoming a kid again.  She runs and laughs, holds hands with her friends.  Joy is still quiet, she in fact has no words yet.  She is serious.  I wonder what she is thinking.  Probably how did I get here?  What has happened to my mother? my home?  These girls have already given up so much, been through so much.

So there it is.  Things are moving but at what seems a snails pace to me.  I am frustrated but trying to use this time for good.  I am trying but it is hard.  My mind is in Uganda and in the myriad of details, papers, home visits and everything else that has to happen.  I look forward to years when I am looking back on these days, when my girls are home with me.  That thought puts a smile on my face.

Referrals #3 and 4

Soooo, we have another referral!  It came out of the blue, we were totally not expecting it.  And get this!  It is for 2 GIRLS!!!!!!  We are so excited and nervous.  The boys are going to have to get their princess on!

There are so many really neat blessings about this referral.  Their names are Annet (2 1/2) and Joy (1 1/2).  They are biological sisters.  Their mother is ill and can no longer care for them.  They have been at the orphanage since June.  They seem to be healthy and developmentally appropriate.  They were malnourished and sick when they arrived but have really grown and fattened up.  I will not go into specifics about their story on this blog, when they are old enough and ready it will be their story to share.

One of the neat things about this referral is that I was put into contact with a missionary family.  They "happen"  to work in the exact same community where the girls are from.  I am so excited to talk with them and get a better understanding of where the girls are coming from.  What a window into their culture, their community, all of it.  I am excited that we will get to partner and stay involved in their home community in such a tangible way.  Thanks Kelsey!

I am also so excited that they are biological sisters.  I think this is such a special blessing.  I get teary thinking about how they have always had each other and will continue to have each other.  In so many instances families don't get to stay together.  I LOVE that they will come to America together.  I can just picture tucking them in their twin beds, or in the same bed, whatever they want.

In the interest of keeping it real, which I can't seem to help but do, we are really nervous too.  I am surprised at how hard it is to fully give my heart to these girls.  It was so hard to lose the last two referrals and I know that selfishly I am protecting my heart.  It is slowly changing though.  I look into their faces and imagine them here.  I get more excited everyday, more hopeful.  I just want it to work out.  I want to bring kids home this time.

I had a long talk with the coordinator that traveled over to Uganda.  She met with the orphanage and met the girls in person.  They feel that this is a strong referral.  The path that brought the girls to the orphanage is completely different than the previous referrals.  The orphanage itself is experienced and was trained by another orphanage with a very strong reputation.  I am choosing to trust once again.

It is a weird, weird place.  So many contradicting emotions and feelings.  I am trusting God though.  No matter what He is big enough.  He is big enough for the good and big enough for the bad.  He has been faithful through everything else, He will be faithful still.

So pray with me.  Pray that God's will be done.  That these girls, Annet and Joy will become OUR girls.  They have been through so much already.  We are hoping that they will come home before January, when the courts close.  We are still in the investigation phase right now.  Once that is complete we will get a court date for 1-2months after that.  We will travel over 2 weeks before our court date.  Another blessing is that it will be one court case, not two because they are siblings.

I can already see God's hand all over this. Taking deep breaths and walking forward, one step at a time.

The Well

I am here.  I am waiting.  Indeed, all of my family is waiting and watching, hoping for movement.  Luke and Jack ask me multiple times a day, when are they coming?  where are they?  who are they?  will it be a boy or a girl?  Interesting discussion around that one actually.  I think the idea of a girl in the family is a little weird to these boys of mine.  It even seems weird to me, exciting but weird just the same.

The days are heavy and long lately.  I have picked up this thing called grief yet again.  It threatens to swallow me.  I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole.  I see the scratch marks from previous journeys.  It is familiar and oh so unwelcome.  I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there.  I hate that I do that but I do.  I can see the light.  I am moving towards that light.  I am grateful for the One who is light.  The One who calls me softly.  The One who has known pain and separation Himself.

I don't equate my suffering with His.  I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering.  That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows.   I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.

The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard.  I just am angry.  I am angry that we are back to square one.  I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed.  I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that  keep us from him.  But more than angry I am sad.  They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart.  I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us.  I agree.

I think the time for wallowing is over though.  I think it is time to get up and get out.  To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand.  I have been reading in Isaiah.  Isaiah 43:19  "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"

I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can.  That is the thing about a faith well tested.    I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out.  I have sat in this very spot.  BUT I DID.  I took a step and then another and then I was walking.  It was God moving in my life.  Giving me strength and life.  I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now.  I love that I have seen Him move in the past,  that I can trust in that love.

Years ago we lost a baby.  It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget.  You always wonder what would have been.  It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression.  It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days.  But even in those dark days my God was there.  He was my hope and future.  Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again.  That the old will pass, the new will come.

I don't know the future but I know my Savior.  I write this as a testament to the goodness of God.  As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again.  However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert.  I know He meets us in our journey.   I am trusting Him.  His love is perfect.  His strength is sufficient.

The well is not so deep this time.  The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming.  I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments.  It won't overtake me,   it won't last so long.  Already I feel His peace taking over.  I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.