I have been hesitant to sit down and write, not quite sure of what would come pouring out on this keyboard. We lost the referral for the girls on March 8th, 6 days before we were supposed to leave. It still seems like a bad dream, I keep walking around in a daze. I wish I could pinch myself awake and fly on out to Uganda. I still cannot believe that my girls are not coming home to live with us. I close my eyes and see their faces, permanently etched in my heart and in my brain. I fight the feeling to just get back in bed and sleep the sadness away. I wander around in their room, hold their dolls, and rock in the rocking chair. I question God why?? Why 6 days before? Why did we think they were ours for 7 months? Why, why, why? None of it makes sense. I cry and grieve and wish it were different. I wish we weren't back at this place. I think it is a common refrain in my life, in everyone's life really. Being stuck and in places that you wish you weren't, places revisited, places unwelcome....
My family is my lifeline right now. Kenny is my rock and we are pulled to each other, I don't want him to leave my side and vice versa. But life goes on, one day at a time. The boys are grieving in their own way. Luke is processing out loud with so many different people, people he knows and strangers, everyone has to hear his story.
He can't figure it out. We kept the story simple and told the boys that mom was sick but got medicine and now she is better, she is going to keep her girls. I was tucking him in the other night and he asked me a lot of questions. The one that stuck out was "why is it so weird in Africa? when the mommies get sick they take their babies away? and why did they not give her medicine first?" I think he was thinking of how I get sick sometimes with a cold or bug, he knows nothing of HIV. How to answer these questions for a 5 year old boy struggling to understand? Our simple explanation actually caused a lot more questions. I explained that sometimes people change their minds, that sometimes people get better and nobody thought they would. It is a hard question though. No way to truly answer his questions right now, that would be too much of a burden for him.
So many conflicting emotions right now. So many people want a clear cut answer on what exactly happened. The simple answer is this- there were extenuating circumstances that no one knew about. There is a lot more to it but that is what it comes down to. That due to these circumstances mom has changed her mind and is taking the girls to live with her. We hope and pray that this is the best solution for these little girls. We hope with all of our heart that they will be taken care of. We are glad they can know their mom and stay with her, we just know that their circumstances will be hard, their life is about to change yet again.
And as much as we are hurting, we hurt more for Annet and Joy. We love them and long for them to be safe, happy, and healthy. And truly? We won't have those answers. We will wonder about them and pray for them and never forget them. They are part of our story. Part of our story is having our eyes open. To realize that in all of this the one's who lose the most are the children, in all of this the children are most at risk. It is a sobering reality that has changed us, it has moved us to ask what is our role in all of this? How can we make a difference in this?
It has changed our children too. Jack asks me questions too. He has been so quiet this time around. He is processing and thinking, just keeping it to himself. When we told the boys he cried and cried but his first question was, "wait, we are doing this again right?" When we did decide to move forward he said he was really sad but glad we were going to do it again. He told me that it was the right thing to do, that there were lots of kids that needed families. I was so proud of him and am praying that this time it will happen, that he will get the brothers or sisters he longs for. He also told me that now he has two cracks in his heart, that if it works out and he gets siblings that the cracks would heal up, "just a little bit". I told him he was right, that the pain will fade but will always be there.
All of this has caused me to put my money where my mouth is. I remember how I stood on stage a few weeks ago. I talked about all the pain and circumstances that had led up to that moment. How God was redeeming that pain. How He planted a desire so long ago and it came to fruition. How He was knitting our family together with girls 1/2way around the world and transforming our family. I talked about the greatness and the faithfulness of God.
And today I think about those words, I think about how the story right now is so different. Do I still have that peace? Do I still have that joy and certainty in the faithfulness of God? Yes. Yes, I do. How I do is a supernatural gift. I don't have the strength to go on, truly I don't think I have the strength to endure this again but He does. This peace I have, this hope I have is from my Heavenly Father. I like to think that when this door shut there is another door open down the road.
It comes down to this: our family and our hearts were moved and opened to this call on our lives. Our experiences and time in Africa, our love of our little family and our desire to grow, our miscarriage and hard pregnancies and reproductive issues led us to this road. We don't feel released from this path. We are beyond weary and sad. We are making it day by day. But we walk with faith, we walk in the light of the God of third, fourth, and millionth chances.
Our God is bigger and stronger than anything I could ever ask or imagine. He hems me in. He lifts my head and weeps with me. He wants to set the lost in families. It has opened our eyes to the bigger picture, the hard realities of international adoption. It has made us ask tough questions and walk with our eyes and hearts a little more wide open. We wait with anticipation, we wait to see what will happen next. We wait......
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Community
My husband and I both had some really neat interactions with people today. He was at karate with Jack. There was a woman sitting beside him. They were talking about the kids and she mentioned that her son was a preemie. Kenny mentioned that both our sons had been preemies. He said she opened up and laid it all out. Her son was born at 28 weeks and spent a full 12 weeks in the hospital. Wow. She turned to him at one point and said that it took all the joy out of her next pregnancy. Kenny said it felt so good to know he wasn't the only one to mourn that loss. How it wasn't just us who look at those movie moments where mom, dad, and baby are all snuggled on the bed. How instead our first moments were behind walls of plastic with your wife's co-workersl looking on.
I have been emailing back and forth with another adopting mama from Texas. She is adopting two little boys through our agency in Uganda. It has been so encouraging to share emails even though we have never met in person. She was talking about how there has been so much sadness mixed in with the joy. It felt good to hear another peson's lips speak my heart. This journey has been lonely. I have wanted validation and understanding, someone who knows.
It was a comforting thing for both of us. I feel like we have been hard to read in these last few years. I often feel as if I am doing this all wrong. I even had a terrible dream last night where I had a group of friends sit me down and tell me I WAS doing it all wrong, that they were disappointed in me. Now, these friends would never say that and I don 't think they feel that but obviously that insecurity is still there.
So much of this journey has been bittersweet, especially the last 6 months or so. With the first referral of our Hope and Isaiah we just jumped right in. There is video of us telling the boys, there is video of the boy's thoughts on adoption, and video of cupcakes we had for Isaiah's birthday. I look back at that video and our faces and the difference is startling. This time around there was no video of telling the boys, no cupcakes.
We are so excited for the girls. I didn't even honestly realize that we hadn't done those things. Even when we told the boys it was followed up with "if they get to come home". I hate that there has been such a difference but that is the reality. I have had people tell me multiple times to let go of the past, enjoy the moment. There have been so many enjoyable moments. So many moments of excitement and fun. Buying bows and dresses. Hearing the boy's take on what life will be like with girls, hilarious. Luke told me the other day he was NOT going to wear a dress even if the girls were sad. (he was dressing up as a ninja at the time).
I guess what I am realizing is that my joy is manifesting itself in peace. That I don't have that giddy excitement at the moment but I feel peace. That these sweet girls have suffered so much grief and loss in their short life and will face even more upheaval and grief to come when we bring them home. That I as their mother feel that pain and loss deeply. That as happy as I am to bring them home it is not without a price. That grafting together as a family is not about a plane ride home and a big airport party.
I rejoice in the promise of what is before us. I rejoice in the redemption that God will bring to their loss and pain. We are not saviors to these girls, we are not their rescuer. They are simply my daughters. They are sisters, well prayed for and talked about all the time. That God in His mercy has allowed me another chance to parent. That my long awaited desire to have more children is being realized. That all the notions of what I thought my family would look like is being blown out of the water. I know that it will be even richer and better than I thought.
I will remember these words in the days and months to come. That when I am overwhelmed in the moment or wondering how to raise 4 children these days were already ordained, they are a gift from God.
I have been emailing back and forth with another adopting mama from Texas. She is adopting two little boys through our agency in Uganda. It has been so encouraging to share emails even though we have never met in person. She was talking about how there has been so much sadness mixed in with the joy. It felt good to hear another peson's lips speak my heart. This journey has been lonely. I have wanted validation and understanding, someone who knows.
It was a comforting thing for both of us. I feel like we have been hard to read in these last few years. I often feel as if I am doing this all wrong. I even had a terrible dream last night where I had a group of friends sit me down and tell me I WAS doing it all wrong, that they were disappointed in me. Now, these friends would never say that and I don 't think they feel that but obviously that insecurity is still there.
So much of this journey has been bittersweet, especially the last 6 months or so. With the first referral of our Hope and Isaiah we just jumped right in. There is video of us telling the boys, there is video of the boy's thoughts on adoption, and video of cupcakes we had for Isaiah's birthday. I look back at that video and our faces and the difference is startling. This time around there was no video of telling the boys, no cupcakes.
We are so excited for the girls. I didn't even honestly realize that we hadn't done those things. Even when we told the boys it was followed up with "if they get to come home". I hate that there has been such a difference but that is the reality. I have had people tell me multiple times to let go of the past, enjoy the moment. There have been so many enjoyable moments. So many moments of excitement and fun. Buying bows and dresses. Hearing the boy's take on what life will be like with girls, hilarious. Luke told me the other day he was NOT going to wear a dress even if the girls were sad. (he was dressing up as a ninja at the time).
I guess what I am realizing is that my joy is manifesting itself in peace. That I don't have that giddy excitement at the moment but I feel peace. That these sweet girls have suffered so much grief and loss in their short life and will face even more upheaval and grief to come when we bring them home. That I as their mother feel that pain and loss deeply. That as happy as I am to bring them home it is not without a price. That grafting together as a family is not about a plane ride home and a big airport party.
I rejoice in the promise of what is before us. I rejoice in the redemption that God will bring to their loss and pain. We are not saviors to these girls, we are not their rescuer. They are simply my daughters. They are sisters, well prayed for and talked about all the time. That God in His mercy has allowed me another chance to parent. That my long awaited desire to have more children is being realized. That all the notions of what I thought my family would look like is being blown out of the water. I know that it will be even richer and better than I thought.
I will remember these words in the days and months to come. That when I am overwhelmed in the moment or wondering how to raise 4 children these days were already ordained, they are a gift from God.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Decisions, Decisions
We are in the throes of school decisions for next year. It is so hard to know what to do......So many choices, so many voices.
I am surprised over and over again by grief. How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times. Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year. However, I don't know that he is ready. I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart. I mean in reality it doesn't matter. If he's not ready, he is not ready. It hurts though. I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less. I read and commented on a post today. It resonated with me and gave me some peace. That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.
Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others. Most people never see the struggles that he faces. His delays are there though. There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes. In so many many areas he shines. In so many areas he excels. In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for. It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root. It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far. It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made. It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more. It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place. It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy", "delays", and "time will tell". It was a horrible, scary day. A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.
In reality I see him as so much more. My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is. We just do what we have to do. I am in love with my son. I am in love with who he is and who he has become. He is funny and sweet. He is tough. He is determined. He wants what he wants and will not let things go. He is my bull dog.
I think today I will change my view. I will look at this differently and fight that fear. To have confidence in my creator and Savior. That He is aware of my heart and my struggles. He knows Luke and He has been there all along. That He is faithful. That He will provide. The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act. I only have to look back to see His work in my life. I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.
I am aware again that a day does not make a life. That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis. I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life. But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace. His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words. He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis. I stand in awe of my son. I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do. I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges. I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.
I am surprised over and over again by grief. How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times. Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year. However, I don't know that he is ready. I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart. I mean in reality it doesn't matter. If he's not ready, he is not ready. It hurts though. I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less. I read and commented on a post today. It resonated with me and gave me some peace. That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.
Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others. Most people never see the struggles that he faces. His delays are there though. There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes. In so many many areas he shines. In so many areas he excels. In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for. It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root. It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far. It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made. It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more. It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place. It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy", "delays", and "time will tell". It was a horrible, scary day. A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.
In reality I see him as so much more. My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is. We just do what we have to do. I am in love with my son. I am in love with who he is and who he has become. He is funny and sweet. He is tough. He is determined. He wants what he wants and will not let things go. He is my bull dog.
I think today I will change my view. I will look at this differently and fight that fear. To have confidence in my creator and Savior. That He is aware of my heart and my struggles. He knows Luke and He has been there all along. That He is faithful. That He will provide. The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act. I only have to look back to see His work in my life. I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.
I am aware again that a day does not make a life. That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis. I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life. But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace. His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words. He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis. I stand in awe of my son. I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do. I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges. I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Drivel....
What to say, what to say.....
I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately. Ummmm, not well. (and that is an understatement). I am in a fog. I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do. My mind is constantly in Uganda:)
Today was good though. My travel advisor is awesome. I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her. She was practically begging for me to call and bug her! No really, she was! She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her. (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too) So, I did. And it was great.
I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile. I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them. It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good. It felt really good. I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat. Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week. That would be amazing.
It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon. I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here. We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now. We WILL go back. Uganda will always be a part of our lives. Just not right now. It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke. If I really think about I just dissolve into tears. They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me. I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!" and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening. Make up my mind already!
They have big plans while we are gone. We have amazing family that will watch over them for us. I just want to be the one to do that. I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy. I know he will be a handful. He just will. He will be emotional and teary. He will be whiny. He will be a pain. I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy. He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy. I know that he will be fine. It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.
Luke won't even miss us, ha! He will but it will be on the inside. He will get grouchy and moody. He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way. Then the storm will pass and he will be fine. It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone. He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him. They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.
I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours. We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like. I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster. But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.
I am just feeling so antsy. I have a hard time focusing. This part of the wait has been the hardest. I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems. In my dreams they are always just out of reach. I wake up right before I open the door to where they are. Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them. So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters. It's allright though, that is as it should be. "My daughters", I really like the sound of that......
I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately. Ummmm, not well. (and that is an understatement). I am in a fog. I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do. My mind is constantly in Uganda:)
Today was good though. My travel advisor is awesome. I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her. She was practically begging for me to call and bug her! No really, she was! She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her. (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too) So, I did. And it was great.
I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile. I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them. It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good. It felt really good. I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat. Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week. That would be amazing.
It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon. I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here. We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now. We WILL go back. Uganda will always be a part of our lives. Just not right now. It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke. If I really think about I just dissolve into tears. They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me. I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!" and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening. Make up my mind already!
They have big plans while we are gone. We have amazing family that will watch over them for us. I just want to be the one to do that. I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy. I know he will be a handful. He just will. He will be emotional and teary. He will be whiny. He will be a pain. I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy. He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy. I know that he will be fine. It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.
Luke won't even miss us, ha! He will but it will be on the inside. He will get grouchy and moody. He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way. Then the storm will pass and he will be fine. It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone. He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him. They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.
I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours. We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like. I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster. But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.
I am just feeling so antsy. I have a hard time focusing. This part of the wait has been the hardest. I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems. In my dreams they are always just out of reach. I wake up right before I open the door to where they are. Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them. So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters. It's allright though, that is as it should be. "My daughters", I really like the sound of that......
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wow, so it has been a really long time since I posted something. And we have really exciting news!
We got a court date for April. April 2nd at 11:00 AM to be exact. So excited, so over the moon excited for that development.
I laugh that I haven't written it down here. That I haven't posted it. I shared it, a lot of people know about it but I didn't share it here.
I think I wanted to hold it close. To think over it, rejoice over it, just bask in it. Finally, we have a date. I wanted this whole holiday season to be different. Quiet, sacred. I knew that it was our last as a family of four. Our last with just the boys. Of course I am so excited about the girls but I would be lying if I said there wasn't some anxiety mixed in too, well a lot of anxiety. If I could leave tomorrow I would, I most definitely would. But I wanted to enjoy the season as it is right now.
It has been a special time. The court date made me focus on the here and the now, what I have right in front of me. I was so irritated that the date was so far off when we first heard about it. I cried and cried that it was so far away. I was expecting February and even that felt so far away. Then I thought that maybe there was a reason for the delay, what my mind considers a delay anyway. Then all of these things popped up that needed to be taken care of, many things that we can iron out and set in place before we go. That is a blessing in itself. So many decisions to make regarding the boys and school, especially Luke. Lots of options to iron through and paperwork to turn in, you know the drill.
I started to see the wait as a blessing. An opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I still am on pins and needles wanting to wrap my arms around those girls. Oh my goodness, I just want to go right now. BUT I took the opportunity and I have been blessed. It has been such a gift to have it taken out of my hands. It has been a gift to have time to sit and anticipate Christmas, the birthday of my Savior. Life is so busy and it is so hard to do that.
I can't say it was all sacredness and peace, not by a long shot. But there were so many beautiful moments and days. It was special. To talk over the real meaning of Christmas with the boys and have them experience that. Time to watch goofy movies, time to really read and talk about Jesus and His story from the very beginning. About how Jesus truly is a light shining into the darkness, peace in the midst of chaos. It was pretty awesome.
I am sitting by my tree, boys playing happily nearby. So content and happy. So blessed in so many ways. I am filled with anticipation of what is to come. How our household is going to increase very soon and I am so excited. So very very ready to bring my daughters home. So glad for the opportunity I had to rest and recharge, to ready my spirit. God is so good.
We got a court date for April. April 2nd at 11:00 AM to be exact. So excited, so over the moon excited for that development.
I laugh that I haven't written it down here. That I haven't posted it. I shared it, a lot of people know about it but I didn't share it here.
I think I wanted to hold it close. To think over it, rejoice over it, just bask in it. Finally, we have a date. I wanted this whole holiday season to be different. Quiet, sacred. I knew that it was our last as a family of four. Our last with just the boys. Of course I am so excited about the girls but I would be lying if I said there wasn't some anxiety mixed in too, well a lot of anxiety. If I could leave tomorrow I would, I most definitely would. But I wanted to enjoy the season as it is right now.
It has been a special time. The court date made me focus on the here and the now, what I have right in front of me. I was so irritated that the date was so far off when we first heard about it. I cried and cried that it was so far away. I was expecting February and even that felt so far away. Then I thought that maybe there was a reason for the delay, what my mind considers a delay anyway. Then all of these things popped up that needed to be taken care of, many things that we can iron out and set in place before we go. That is a blessing in itself. So many decisions to make regarding the boys and school, especially Luke. Lots of options to iron through and paperwork to turn in, you know the drill.
I started to see the wait as a blessing. An opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I still am on pins and needles wanting to wrap my arms around those girls. Oh my goodness, I just want to go right now. BUT I took the opportunity and I have been blessed. It has been such a gift to have it taken out of my hands. It has been a gift to have time to sit and anticipate Christmas, the birthday of my Savior. Life is so busy and it is so hard to do that.
I can't say it was all sacredness and peace, not by a long shot. But there were so many beautiful moments and days. It was special. To talk over the real meaning of Christmas with the boys and have them experience that. Time to watch goofy movies, time to really read and talk about Jesus and His story from the very beginning. About how Jesus truly is a light shining into the darkness, peace in the midst of chaos. It was pretty awesome.
I am sitting by my tree, boys playing happily nearby. So content and happy. So blessed in so many ways. I am filled with anticipation of what is to come. How our household is going to increase very soon and I am so excited. So very very ready to bring my daughters home. So glad for the opportunity I had to rest and recharge, to ready my spirit. God is so good.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Getting closer......
Things are going well, really well. We have never been this far in the process and we are waiting with bated breath. We passed our investigation and received court documents in the mail on Friday. Yay!!! So we are getting SO much closer!! I will be talking to our case worker on Monday or Tuesday to figure out what exactly I need to do with the paperwork. THEN our lawyer in Uganda will file for a court date!!! So excited and hopeful. It is only a matter of months now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a lot of light:)
I just cannot imagine what it will really be like. I am so used to the way things are now, the four of us. I wonder about the personality of the girls. Annet seems so spunky and social. I have gotten some really cute pictures of her and she has a smile that lights up a room. She also has this really cute way of looking out the corner of her eyes and smiling, makes me want to eat her up. Joy hasn't shown me a smile yet. The few pictures I have of her show a beautiful and serious little girl. She seems to have some significant speech delays so I am interested to meet her and see where she is. I just want to hug and squeeze her, to make her belly laugh.
I have been trying to prepare the boys somewhat for when the girls come home. I have told both of them, especially Jack that it probably will not be quite like they expect. I read a blog post not long ago about a family's transition that was rough, how the sibling relationship hadn't developed like they thought it would. It was different than how they imagined it would be. I was explaining to Jack how we have been thinking about, praying about, and been excited about getting new siblings for over 2 years now. How they might not even know about us yet. How they might not be so excited to be over here in the beginning. I have tried to explain how much they will be giving up and how scared they might be. I have explained that some of his feelings might not be so happy and that is okay. How he and Luke will be giving up some things and they might not be so happy either. How all feelings are okay, good or bad.
It is hard for me to imagine what all the girls will be going through in the next few months. I cannot imagine the confusion and even heartache they will feel in the beginning. Their life has been so full of disruption and change. They have known true hunger and they know what it is to be without. Now they know the love of the staff at the orphanage, they know what it is to have a full belly and a place to stay. They look amazing and the home where there are is great. I feel like about the time they have started to relax or already relaxed then it will change again.
I fully expect them to resent that change on some level, even if they don't even know what it is they are feeling. I am sure they won't know how to process what is even going on. I am sure there will be some hard days to come. I am also sure that our God is big enough to meet those needs. I know that God has orchestrated all of this to put our family together. I also know that in a perfect world they would have been able to stay with their first mom and be taken care of. I grieve that they will always have a void, they will always wonder what if. Or maybe not, who knows? I think every child asks those questions on some level. Wondering what it would be like to be born to another family, another life.
I know these are questions, concerns that play out over years and lifetimes. I get intimidated when I read too much, try to prepare too much. The bottom line is that I think God can redeem every situation if He is allowed and let in. That God moves in the darkness and sheds His light. That we can be a wonderfully happy, healthy, and whole family. I believe that we will be. I can picture them here, I walk in their room and picture putting them to bed, reading stories, saying prayers. I can picture us all around the dinner table and it makes me smile. I can picture them laughing with their brothers, and their brothers watching over them.
So much goes through this head of mine. So many thoughts, worries, and dreams. We are close and I am ready to be TOGETHER. We can begin to live out what we have dreamed of for so long. What a wonderful day that will be. No matter the road I am ready to start walking!
I just cannot imagine what it will really be like. I am so used to the way things are now, the four of us. I wonder about the personality of the girls. Annet seems so spunky and social. I have gotten some really cute pictures of her and she has a smile that lights up a room. She also has this really cute way of looking out the corner of her eyes and smiling, makes me want to eat her up. Joy hasn't shown me a smile yet. The few pictures I have of her show a beautiful and serious little girl. She seems to have some significant speech delays so I am interested to meet her and see where she is. I just want to hug and squeeze her, to make her belly laugh.
I have been trying to prepare the boys somewhat for when the girls come home. I have told both of them, especially Jack that it probably will not be quite like they expect. I read a blog post not long ago about a family's transition that was rough, how the sibling relationship hadn't developed like they thought it would. It was different than how they imagined it would be. I was explaining to Jack how we have been thinking about, praying about, and been excited about getting new siblings for over 2 years now. How they might not even know about us yet. How they might not be so excited to be over here in the beginning. I have tried to explain how much they will be giving up and how scared they might be. I have explained that some of his feelings might not be so happy and that is okay. How he and Luke will be giving up some things and they might not be so happy either. How all feelings are okay, good or bad.
It is hard for me to imagine what all the girls will be going through in the next few months. I cannot imagine the confusion and even heartache they will feel in the beginning. Their life has been so full of disruption and change. They have known true hunger and they know what it is to be without. Now they know the love of the staff at the orphanage, they know what it is to have a full belly and a place to stay. They look amazing and the home where there are is great. I feel like about the time they have started to relax or already relaxed then it will change again.
I fully expect them to resent that change on some level, even if they don't even know what it is they are feeling. I am sure they won't know how to process what is even going on. I am sure there will be some hard days to come. I am also sure that our God is big enough to meet those needs. I know that God has orchestrated all of this to put our family together. I also know that in a perfect world they would have been able to stay with their first mom and be taken care of. I grieve that they will always have a void, they will always wonder what if. Or maybe not, who knows? I think every child asks those questions on some level. Wondering what it would be like to be born to another family, another life.
I know these are questions, concerns that play out over years and lifetimes. I get intimidated when I read too much, try to prepare too much. The bottom line is that I think God can redeem every situation if He is allowed and let in. That God moves in the darkness and sheds His light. That we can be a wonderfully happy, healthy, and whole family. I believe that we will be. I can picture them here, I walk in their room and picture putting them to bed, reading stories, saying prayers. I can picture us all around the dinner table and it makes me smile. I can picture them laughing with their brothers, and their brothers watching over them.
So much goes through this head of mine. So many thoughts, worries, and dreams. We are close and I am ready to be TOGETHER. We can begin to live out what we have dreamed of for so long. What a wonderful day that will be. No matter the road I am ready to start walking!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Malachi chapter 1
Got an email today that things are still looking good and the investigation is close to being over! Be still my heart..... The orphanage director and our lawyer will be meeting soon to discuss our case. I was so glad to hear again that movement is happening.
I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news. I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found. How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle. It has been hard. My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not. My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be. My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.
My heart, that is another thing all together. My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension. My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine. My words are terse, my fuse oh so short. My kids look at me like I am crazy. Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.
But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul. We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group. She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God. It was like a lightbulb moment. On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt. Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith. I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.
In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders. God answered them. It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb. How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life? How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?
That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me. That God is patient. God made us in His image. He meets us in our weakness. We have a brain and he lets us use it. Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears? Absolutely. But He hears us anyway. He meets us in that place.
It made my heart glad. I feel lighter. I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us. My soul feels peace. It is a good feeling, it has been awhile. It may fade tomorrow but today it is here! So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.
I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news. I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found. How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle. It has been hard. My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not. My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be. My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.
My heart, that is another thing all together. My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension. My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine. My words are terse, my fuse oh so short. My kids look at me like I am crazy. Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.
But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul. We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group. She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God. It was like a lightbulb moment. On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt. Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith. I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.
In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders. God answered them. It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb. How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life? How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?
That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me. That God is patient. God made us in His image. He meets us in our weakness. We have a brain and he lets us use it. Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears? Absolutely. But He hears us anyway. He meets us in that place.
It made my heart glad. I feel lighter. I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us. My soul feels peace. It is a good feeling, it has been awhile. It may fade tomorrow but today it is here! So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.
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