So, just checking in! We have got our referral 2weeks ago today. I still cannot believe it but the reality is starting to sink in.... We will be a family of 6 sometime in the next few weeks. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I am also so nervous I can hardly stand it :):) The reality, or rather the version I have crafted in my mind, can be a tad overwhelming. It is just crazy to think that these precious little ones will be joining us soon, especially since we were settling in for such a long wait. I look at their sweet faces all day and just wonder what they are doing, what they are thinking, if they are healthy and getting enough to eat. I wonder what people have been telling them. Do they know their whole life is about to be turned upside down? I hope they are being prepared, that they have an idea what's coming!
There is so much to do on this side. We have had to redo the Dossier, with three original copies of everything. I am so glad to say that it will be mailed out tomorrow. I cannot believe I did in 2weeks what took me 6 months to do originally. We are getting rooms ready. Jack and Luke have moved in together and seem to really like it. They like it a little better than me, just trying to relax and let them enjoy their time together. The newness will wear off soon and maybe they will run out of conversation ?? As Luke says, "I just haf to say somfin" and Jack says, "Mommy, I just have to listen and then I have to say somfin". Too cute, gotta love it. I am so glad they have each other.
Jack has been all over the place. We have had some really great conversations about jealousy, change, and trusting God with it all. He is such an emotional little guy, really sensitive and intuitive. He knows big changes are afoot and he is not so sure about the change part. He really is excited about his new brother and sister, just all too aware that things are about to be really different. Luke is "just so happy", his words. He is excited, not really sure of what to think. I'm not sure if he really has a clue what is in store for him, probably not.
Kenny and I are so excited, but just exhausted. We have both been running trying to get everything done. I am working extra hours to make sure I get my FMLA (approved leave, with benefits) so that doesn't help. I will be so glad to get the paperwork mailed tomorrow, that will be a huge relief, a big check mark:):) (and I love to check things off) We have a group that volunteered to come over next Saturday to paint and get Isaiah and Hope's room done. So that will be another big relief!! Just very overwhelmed right now.
I am so READY to go get them, to get them home and start our life with them. The Ugandan lawyer is filing paperwork this week and when that is complete we will receive a court date. We will travel over 2 weeks before that court date and be in country for 4-6 weeks if everything goes smoothly. I am surprised at how hard it is to leave the boys, I mean not really surprised, but it is so very very difficult to think of leaving them here. There is really no way to take them right now. They are not allowed to be at the court dates or official meetings so that is a big chunk of time where someone would have to watch them in-country. I think it will be good to have that time with Hope and Isaiah though, they are going to need all the love and time we can give them. I really have a peace that it will be the best thing for everyone. Family will be watching Jack and Luke so they will be well taken care of and I am glad they will have each other. Waiting on pins and needles for a court date, hopefully we will know by next week!
All in all we are doing great, just tired :) But then really, when are mommies and daddies not tired, so goes the life of a parent. We are beyond thrilled about these new precious babies. Praying for grace and strength for the journey. We are praying for the hearts of Hope and Isaiah, that God will begin to knit our hearts together and they will have a peace about joining our family. I am under no illusions that this will be a quick or easy process. Their life has been hard and anything but settled and routine. We have to convince them they are here to stay, that nobody is going anywhere. Join us as we pray! More updates to come!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Referral!!!!
Wow! What a difference a few weeks make!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Whole Lot of Nothing.....
Soooo, I have sat to down to write so many times and given up. I just don't really know exactly what to say but I know people want to know, what is going on????? I have written a few posts and just deleted them, not really for public consumption I guess. December and January were hard months. I realized that there were delays coming and then I got confirmation that there are a lot of delays coming, big ones. The referral time has now increased to 12-18months. Wow.
There are a lot of changes going on in Uganda. The courts are really cracking down and the requirements are very strict. Which of course is a good thing. Of course it is. BUT, it is hard to have thought we would be traveling by spring to think we may not even get a referral till next spring. It really is a big roller coaster ride.
I wish I had taken it all in stride, that I was filled with peace. I was definitely NOT filled with peace, I want my babies now:) Then I turn it over and God meets me, like He always does. The situation has not changed but my view has. It is always better to trust and believe, just hard to do. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I have read and heard. Adoption is all kinds of shades of gray, it is not just helping an orphan. It is not so cut dried as I once believed. It has broken my heart and made me thankful for the delays. Thankful that there are safeguards in place, that stories are being authenticated before children leave the country. I look at it with a mother's heart, a heart that would move heaven and earth before I let my child go. The world is a dark place and there are dark things that go on.
I do believe in redemption though, that God can take those dark things and make them new. That God can take something born of loss and pain and give it a hope and a future. I am excited for the future, just aware that it might not have pretty paper and a big pretty bow. I believe this is what we are called to, that God will use this to show Himself. That the child or children coming into our family are coming into a house of love, a house that prays for them, a house that talks about them every day, multiple times a day. I am so blessed to have the life I have, the children I have. What a gift they are. I cannot wait till the day we are all together.
I am reading this back and I can feel the heaviness. Should I post, should I not? But it is what it is. God is good and He has this in His hands. I really feel like I will look back on all the delays and say, oooohhhhh that's why that happened!
So that's the scoop. We are waiting. I am trying to wait with grace, to wait with the bigger picture in mind........
There are a lot of changes going on in Uganda. The courts are really cracking down and the requirements are very strict. Which of course is a good thing. Of course it is. BUT, it is hard to have thought we would be traveling by spring to think we may not even get a referral till next spring. It really is a big roller coaster ride.
I wish I had taken it all in stride, that I was filled with peace. I was definitely NOT filled with peace, I want my babies now:) Then I turn it over and God meets me, like He always does. The situation has not changed but my view has. It is always better to trust and believe, just hard to do. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I have read and heard. Adoption is all kinds of shades of gray, it is not just helping an orphan. It is not so cut dried as I once believed. It has broken my heart and made me thankful for the delays. Thankful that there are safeguards in place, that stories are being authenticated before children leave the country. I look at it with a mother's heart, a heart that would move heaven and earth before I let my child go. The world is a dark place and there are dark things that go on.
I do believe in redemption though, that God can take those dark things and make them new. That God can take something born of loss and pain and give it a hope and a future. I am excited for the future, just aware that it might not have pretty paper and a big pretty bow. I believe this is what we are called to, that God will use this to show Himself. That the child or children coming into our family are coming into a house of love, a house that prays for them, a house that talks about them every day, multiple times a day. I am so blessed to have the life I have, the children I have. What a gift they are. I cannot wait till the day we are all together.
I am reading this back and I can feel the heaviness. Should I post, should I not? But it is what it is. God is good and He has this in His hands. I really feel like I will look back on all the delays and say, oooohhhhh that's why that happened!
So that's the scoop. We are waiting. I am trying to wait with grace, to wait with the bigger picture in mind........
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Fun Family Weekend
We had the best time last weekend. I had a crazy idea to get out of town so we did it! So unlike us to be so spontaneous but we had a blast. We went to a Christmas concert called The Story Tour. It was really good, but not really for kids. We kept looking at each other and laughing as we walked in, all we could see was adults! It was distracting when every minute or so one of them would ask if it was time to leave!! Oh well, I really enjoyed the part we saw, even if we did leave 45min early!
By far the best part for the boys was staying in a hotel. They were so so excited and couldn't believe they were so lucky!! Jack's favorite parts were 1. staying together as a family and 2. The all you can eat breakfast!!!! I got to eat whatever I wanted!!!! waffles and cereal!!!!! Luke's favorite parts - whatever Jack said!! It was really fun though. Everyone slept well, i.e. Luke and I in our bed sleeping away didn't get the same wake-up call that Kenny got. Jack was up and fidgeting from about 2-4am. Oh well, you win some you lose some! Just glad I was on the winning end of that one!
Then we went to Old Salem for the morning. Somehow it was a lot smaller than I remembered! It was fun though. I am always blown away by the amount of work it took just to live not so long ago. I picture what my days would have looked like- no running water, cooking over an open hearth. No thank you! Seriously, so so much work. I can't picture doing it all and having small children.....
Then we ate lunch at Sweet Potatoes in downtown Winston Salem. It was so good!! They sponsor a few children from the Amani Baby Cottage in Uganda. The bartender's daughter was going to be leaving soon to go spend about 6 weeks with Katie Davis!!!! What a small world! They had a really fun vibe, lots of African art.
One funny thing that happened was an African American Santa walked in. Jack looked at him for a few minutes and said he was not the real Santa. I asked him if it was because he had brown skin. Jack said yes. So then we talked about how if he had brown skin wouldn't he want his Santa to have brown skin too? He grinned and said yes, and that Chinese children probably want a Chinese Santa! It really made me think though. All of our nativity sets and Santas are white. I guess I need to diversify!!! Luke ran right up to him asking for a candy cane, no surprise there! I got a few pictures, really need to be better about that!!
Don't really know what this was, Luke kept calling them doghouses.....
Walking on a wall, what boy doesn't love that
And now, it is time to go!!!!!
Such a fun, fun weekend!!!
By far the best part for the boys was staying in a hotel. They were so so excited and couldn't believe they were so lucky!! Jack's favorite parts were 1. staying together as a family and 2. The all you can eat breakfast!!!! I got to eat whatever I wanted!!!! waffles and cereal!!!!! Luke's favorite parts - whatever Jack said!! It was really fun though. Everyone slept well, i.e. Luke and I in our bed sleeping away didn't get the same wake-up call that Kenny got. Jack was up and fidgeting from about 2-4am. Oh well, you win some you lose some! Just glad I was on the winning end of that one!
Then we went to Old Salem for the morning. Somehow it was a lot smaller than I remembered! It was fun though. I am always blown away by the amount of work it took just to live not so long ago. I picture what my days would have looked like- no running water, cooking over an open hearth. No thank you! Seriously, so so much work. I can't picture doing it all and having small children.....
Then we ate lunch at Sweet Potatoes in downtown Winston Salem. It was so good!! They sponsor a few children from the Amani Baby Cottage in Uganda. The bartender's daughter was going to be leaving soon to go spend about 6 weeks with Katie Davis!!!! What a small world! They had a really fun vibe, lots of African art.
One funny thing that happened was an African American Santa walked in. Jack looked at him for a few minutes and said he was not the real Santa. I asked him if it was because he had brown skin. Jack said yes. So then we talked about how if he had brown skin wouldn't he want his Santa to have brown skin too? He grinned and said yes, and that Chinese children probably want a Chinese Santa! It really made me think though. All of our nativity sets and Santas are white. I guess I need to diversify!!! Luke ran right up to him asking for a candy cane, no surprise there! I got a few pictures, really need to be better about that!!
Don't really know what this was, Luke kept calling them doghouses.....
Walking on a wall, what boy doesn't love that
And now, it is time to go!!!!!
Such a fun, fun weekend!!!
Give me Jesus
I am sitting here in floods. Literally floods of tears. Tears of sorrow, tears of gratefulness, tears of longing , tears of peace, tears for the overwhelming goodness of our God. I am blown away by this season, this arrival of the Christ Child. This child who came and became a man, became our Saviour. He was a man of sorrows, a man well acquainted with our human ways and for that I am grateful. I take peace in the fact that He cried tears and knew the frailty of our heart, our very spirit. I also take great peace in the fact that He is WAY bigger than that. That He left His throne and walked this earth, all the while keeping an eye on the heavenly, the divine, the sacred. I mean He WAS heavenly, divine, and sacred. That He was in fact God. He had seen the end, He knew the end already.... That He chose to suffer and die anyway. That love compelled Him to move through His earthly life, pointing the way and setting us free.
I think about the stable and the night He came to earth. How Mary must have felt holding him. How she truly probably had no idea what it really all meant. I wonder what it must have been like seeing Him grow, seeing the divine shine through. That Messiah was here, the great longing was fulfilled in her son, in her very presence. I think we all have it, a longing for something more...for something Holy and sacred, for peace, for the end of suffering. I am filled with such a joy, such a peace to know that Jesus gave us a way.
I have been thinking a lot about shepherds too. Chris did a sermon the other day and it has really stuck with me. I didn't know that shepherds were considered one step above lepers. That they were plain and crass, unfit for proper society. That one night they were just going about their business and bam- thousands and thousands of angels announcing Christ's birth. I picture darkness being split open and pure, holy light filling the sky. I love that the angels came to them. I feel their plainness, I feel at times like they must have- a stranger in their own land.
I am trying to show my kids this. How this time is amazing, how faith is amazing, how this day marks a new beginning. The way to life. The way to God. How this is precious and not to be taken for granted. I feel like I fail in this all the time though. That I have been busy this week, buying this and that, cleaning, cooking, all the mundane things of life. It really is hard for me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. I love presents- giving and receiving them. I love wrapping them up and anticipating the opening of them. I love the magic of it all. I get too wrapped up in the material things though. Presents are fun, I think they have their place and who doesn't love to watch a child's face light up??
I was brought to my knees today though. Somehow through the fog I saw Jesus. I clicked on a blog link and heard this song. I heard His voice and He was telling me to stop. to hear. to focus. This song touched my soul, it touched my core. Because really truly, when it all comes down to it isn't Jesus all we have? Isn't it the root of all that is good and perfect in our life? Isn't that what we really long for?
It is a simple song, a simple prayer. Give me Jesus.
I think about the stable and the night He came to earth. How Mary must have felt holding him. How she truly probably had no idea what it really all meant. I wonder what it must have been like seeing Him grow, seeing the divine shine through. That Messiah was here, the great longing was fulfilled in her son, in her very presence. I think we all have it, a longing for something more...for something Holy and sacred, for peace, for the end of suffering. I am filled with such a joy, such a peace to know that Jesus gave us a way.
I have been thinking a lot about shepherds too. Chris did a sermon the other day and it has really stuck with me. I didn't know that shepherds were considered one step above lepers. That they were plain and crass, unfit for proper society. That one night they were just going about their business and bam- thousands and thousands of angels announcing Christ's birth. I picture darkness being split open and pure, holy light filling the sky. I love that the angels came to them. I feel their plainness, I feel at times like they must have- a stranger in their own land.
I am trying to show my kids this. How this time is amazing, how faith is amazing, how this day marks a new beginning. The way to life. The way to God. How this is precious and not to be taken for granted. I feel like I fail in this all the time though. That I have been busy this week, buying this and that, cleaning, cooking, all the mundane things of life. It really is hard for me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. I love presents- giving and receiving them. I love wrapping them up and anticipating the opening of them. I love the magic of it all. I get too wrapped up in the material things though. Presents are fun, I think they have their place and who doesn't love to watch a child's face light up??
I was brought to my knees today though. Somehow through the fog I saw Jesus. I clicked on a blog link and heard this song. I heard His voice and He was telling me to stop. to hear. to focus. This song touched my soul, it touched my core. Because really truly, when it all comes down to it isn't Jesus all we have? Isn't it the root of all that is good and perfect in our life? Isn't that what we really long for?
It is a simple song, a simple prayer. Give me Jesus.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Right Now....
Sometimes, I just want to know... Why is this so hard? Why? Why? Why? (insert stomping of feet and tears) I wish I could be a two year old, I wish I could throw a tantrum and let whoever is standing in my way have the full force of my frustration.
Right now things are hard. This whole process has been a rollercoaster ride. First you are up, then you are down. Sometimes the highs seem really high and the lows really low. We have hit a snag and are trying to work it out. I was flying high because I had every piece of paperwork but one. I hired a notary and went to the clerk of courts office downtown. We had run criminal record checks a few months earlier and they were clear. This time an old traffic ticket showed up of Kenny's from when he was 16. No big deal right??? Wrong. Somehow it was coded as a traffic misdemeanor, somehow it is really hard to get these off your record. It is amazing how some random choice you made 20yrs ago will throw a wrench in the here and now.
We are waiting to see if this is really a problem, waiting to see what we need to do. Lawyers have been contacted, tears have been shed, there is talk of switching to another country's program. Who knows? We are waiting, we will find out this week hopefully. Our Dossier is due Dec 2nd so we have a little time....
I am more sure than ever that this is what God has called us to though. That He who began a good work will carry it on to completion. That the work is His, this whole plan has been His plan all along. I feel like through the waiting, through the delays there is a master plan. That somehow all these pitfalls and bumps in the road are just getting us to the child or children we were meant to be with. It is always easier to look back on situations when they are over, to see how all the details dovetailed together to get you to the finishing point. I know that one day we will look back and see how God's timing is perfect.
It is hard to wait, hard to go through it though, right now I would rather have my babies here. I say babies because that is what we originally requested, before all the changes took place. I still hope for two, but we will see. I think about them all the time. I wonder are they born? are they hungry? who is wiping their tears? who is taking care of them? who are they? are there one or two? are they boys or girls? are they sad, lonely? I want to be there, I want to take them in my arms, wipe their tears, and show them how much they are loved, already. I look at Jack and Luke, how they know they are loved, how they have been taken care of from the beginning. I think of the mommies and daddies of these children, how they love them too, how circumstances are not fair, not just. How maybe they are alive, maybe not. How if they died their last thought was for them, how if they are still alive they think about them everyday. It is all so complicated, there are so many nuances and feelings that go with adoption. How there are no easy answers. How even though we are gaining so much they have lost so much to get to that place. How there will always be a part of them that wonders about what might have been. Wow.... it is a heavy responsibility.
But I know that God places the lost and lonely in families. That He redeems situations that are seemingly hopeless, that love can conquer all. I am standing firm on His promises. That I can hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, that He who promised is faithful. That He will finish this work and we WILL hold those babies and never let go. Many prayers are being lifted and I know He hears them. This could be a small bump or a roadblock but I am so grateful for the peace I feel in this moment, that He knows. That even now He has His eye on my babies, He is working it out so we can get to them. Zeph 3:17 says that "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" I pray that verse over them, that somehow they will feel the peace and the comfort I do. That one day I will share the hope that is in me, in our family. I long for that day.
Right now things are hard. This whole process has been a rollercoaster ride. First you are up, then you are down. Sometimes the highs seem really high and the lows really low. We have hit a snag and are trying to work it out. I was flying high because I had every piece of paperwork but one. I hired a notary and went to the clerk of courts office downtown. We had run criminal record checks a few months earlier and they were clear. This time an old traffic ticket showed up of Kenny's from when he was 16. No big deal right??? Wrong. Somehow it was coded as a traffic misdemeanor, somehow it is really hard to get these off your record. It is amazing how some random choice you made 20yrs ago will throw a wrench in the here and now.
We are waiting to see if this is really a problem, waiting to see what we need to do. Lawyers have been contacted, tears have been shed, there is talk of switching to another country's program. Who knows? We are waiting, we will find out this week hopefully. Our Dossier is due Dec 2nd so we have a little time....
I am more sure than ever that this is what God has called us to though. That He who began a good work will carry it on to completion. That the work is His, this whole plan has been His plan all along. I feel like through the waiting, through the delays there is a master plan. That somehow all these pitfalls and bumps in the road are just getting us to the child or children we were meant to be with. It is always easier to look back on situations when they are over, to see how all the details dovetailed together to get you to the finishing point. I know that one day we will look back and see how God's timing is perfect.
It is hard to wait, hard to go through it though, right now I would rather have my babies here. I say babies because that is what we originally requested, before all the changes took place. I still hope for two, but we will see. I think about them all the time. I wonder are they born? are they hungry? who is wiping their tears? who is taking care of them? who are they? are there one or two? are they boys or girls? are they sad, lonely? I want to be there, I want to take them in my arms, wipe their tears, and show them how much they are loved, already. I look at Jack and Luke, how they know they are loved, how they have been taken care of from the beginning. I think of the mommies and daddies of these children, how they love them too, how circumstances are not fair, not just. How maybe they are alive, maybe not. How if they died their last thought was for them, how if they are still alive they think about them everyday. It is all so complicated, there are so many nuances and feelings that go with adoption. How there are no easy answers. How even though we are gaining so much they have lost so much to get to that place. How there will always be a part of them that wonders about what might have been. Wow.... it is a heavy responsibility.
But I know that God places the lost and lonely in families. That He redeems situations that are seemingly hopeless, that love can conquer all. I am standing firm on His promises. That I can hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, that He who promised is faithful. That He will finish this work and we WILL hold those babies and never let go. Many prayers are being lifted and I know He hears them. This could be a small bump or a roadblock but I am so grateful for the peace I feel in this moment, that He knows. That even now He has His eye on my babies, He is working it out so we can get to them. Zeph 3:17 says that "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" I pray that verse over them, that somehow they will feel the peace and the comfort I do. That one day I will share the hope that is in me, in our family. I long for that day.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Beauty of Luke.....
I had a moment the other day. I realized just how far Luke has come, how much progress we have made. We were sitting down for dinner and I knew that it was going to be a battle, we were having grilled chicken for dinner and he was going to have to eat it, gasp! mean, mean mommy! We had been focusing so much on potty training I had let the whole food thing slide, but now it is back to the food.
So I put the chicken in front of him and the tears started, then the gagging started just from looking at it. So then 10min later I got a piece in his mouth and the retching started, I really thought he would throw up. (Sounds like progress right?) But then, I stayed calm, he eventually stopped gagging and ate the freaking chicken. To have been able to talk him down, to keep the food down when he had been fighting so hard, THAT my friends is real progress. I started thinking about all the other areas of progress he has made, how typical he now is, how not a lot of people would even know the struggles he has had. It made me think back to the beginning....
I have never had easy pregnancies, this one was no exception but still to me better than the first, no life threatening blood clots anyway:) I ended up on bedrest around 22weeks, in/out of the hospital a few times but we made it to 35weeks. He only stayed two weeks in the hospital and then he was home, boy was he ever home! He was a fussy, fussy baby and that is putting it nicely. I remember a few weeks in thinking he had a weird, high pitched neurological cry but I told myself to stop being silly. He had a milk allergy, ridiculous reflux but we finally got all that worked out by 4months. He never ate very well and as time went on he had trouble meeting his milestones. We started speech therapy at 7months, then physical therapy for low tone, and then we ended up in a neurologists office.
I will never forget those visits. I knew deep down that something wasn't right, that they would find something. I just knew... We had an MRI and then he was diagnosed with a brain injury and mild cerebral palsy. Hindsight tells me that I should have focused on the words mild but the fear that lodged in my heart at those words, the pictures running through my mind, that is something I will never forget. I remember taking a breath and asking OK, now what? I threw myself into doing every therapy they would give me, every exercise, every little tip, I would do it, we would do it, we would get through this. And we did. Month by month things improved and progress was made. It was hard. Everything he did in the beginning was hard, he had to WORK at everything/ eating, walking,talking....One of the things I love the most is his determination and strong will. God knew what he would go through and gave him just the right amount of attitude. (I have a love/hate relationship with that attitude some days, just being honest)
I think if I had known how things would all turn out in the end that it would have been so much easier, but that is always the way. The growth and the lessons are always in the journey itself. We are so incredibly blessed that he is doing so well, that those struggles were so mild compared to what so many others go to. I see others at the specialists offices and I say prayers for them all the time, we truly are only tasting the road that some families walk. However, this has been our road, and for us, it has been a struggle.
I remember a friend telling us early on about control. His son has Down Syndrome and he was so encouraging when we got our diagnosis, when we felt like life was uncertain, when we didn't know how things would turn out. He told us that parents of special needs children lose the illusion of control early. Parents of typical children often are fooled into thinking they are in control of those little lives, that this action will beget this action, that we are in charge. I know we felt that way with Jack. He said that the illusion is shattered in early teenage years but especially in the beginning the illusion is there. For kids with special needs there is no illusion. You are thrust into a world of unknowns, a world that we knew nothing about but were a part of just the same.
I think it was a blessing in the end, not a blessing I welcomed with open arms for sure. I think our faith grew exponentially. I learned that our marriage was strong, maybe not pretty at times but strong. I learned that joy really does come in the morning, that the nights were long but morning always came. I learned that I have a lot to learn, that my faith is deep but my sin nature is strong. I still held (still hold onto, sigh) on to the belief that if I just did things a certain way things would turn out okay, that life would go the way I wanted, if I just controlled every little thing then.....I am a perfectionist by nature, I have systems for everything, that was the hardest. I have learned to let go, that God is big enough, His grace is sufficient. I learned that there is a lot of truth to the saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade. It is sour and tart, but when you add in the good things like sugar and water, it is good. That when God works through a situation He turns it into something beautiful and refreshing.
I have just been thinking a lot lately about where we have come from, where we are going from here. There are so many unknowns right now, we really don't quite know how things are going to play out. I know that it will be okay though, I don't have the answers and I don't need all the answers. I still fight to get them, I still struggle not knowing them but I have a peace. A peace that has been learned and bought at a price. Here is to you Luke! My beautiful teacher, my beautiful boy.
So I put the chicken in front of him and the tears started, then the gagging started just from looking at it. So then 10min later I got a piece in his mouth and the retching started, I really thought he would throw up. (Sounds like progress right?) But then, I stayed calm, he eventually stopped gagging and ate the freaking chicken. To have been able to talk him down, to keep the food down when he had been fighting so hard, THAT my friends is real progress. I started thinking about all the other areas of progress he has made, how typical he now is, how not a lot of people would even know the struggles he has had. It made me think back to the beginning....
I have never had easy pregnancies, this one was no exception but still to me better than the first, no life threatening blood clots anyway:) I ended up on bedrest around 22weeks, in/out of the hospital a few times but we made it to 35weeks. He only stayed two weeks in the hospital and then he was home, boy was he ever home! He was a fussy, fussy baby and that is putting it nicely. I remember a few weeks in thinking he had a weird, high pitched neurological cry but I told myself to stop being silly. He had a milk allergy, ridiculous reflux but we finally got all that worked out by 4months. He never ate very well and as time went on he had trouble meeting his milestones. We started speech therapy at 7months, then physical therapy for low tone, and then we ended up in a neurologists office.
I will never forget those visits. I knew deep down that something wasn't right, that they would find something. I just knew... We had an MRI and then he was diagnosed with a brain injury and mild cerebral palsy. Hindsight tells me that I should have focused on the words mild but the fear that lodged in my heart at those words, the pictures running through my mind, that is something I will never forget. I remember taking a breath and asking OK, now what? I threw myself into doing every therapy they would give me, every exercise, every little tip, I would do it, we would do it, we would get through this. And we did. Month by month things improved and progress was made. It was hard. Everything he did in the beginning was hard, he had to WORK at everything/ eating, walking,talking....One of the things I love the most is his determination and strong will. God knew what he would go through and gave him just the right amount of attitude. (I have a love/hate relationship with that attitude some days, just being honest)
I think if I had known how things would all turn out in the end that it would have been so much easier, but that is always the way. The growth and the lessons are always in the journey itself. We are so incredibly blessed that he is doing so well, that those struggles were so mild compared to what so many others go to. I see others at the specialists offices and I say prayers for them all the time, we truly are only tasting the road that some families walk. However, this has been our road, and for us, it has been a struggle.
I remember a friend telling us early on about control. His son has Down Syndrome and he was so encouraging when we got our diagnosis, when we felt like life was uncertain, when we didn't know how things would turn out. He told us that parents of special needs children lose the illusion of control early. Parents of typical children often are fooled into thinking they are in control of those little lives, that this action will beget this action, that we are in charge. I know we felt that way with Jack. He said that the illusion is shattered in early teenage years but especially in the beginning the illusion is there. For kids with special needs there is no illusion. You are thrust into a world of unknowns, a world that we knew nothing about but were a part of just the same.
I think it was a blessing in the end, not a blessing I welcomed with open arms for sure. I think our faith grew exponentially. I learned that our marriage was strong, maybe not pretty at times but strong. I learned that joy really does come in the morning, that the nights were long but morning always came. I learned that I have a lot to learn, that my faith is deep but my sin nature is strong. I still held (still hold onto, sigh) on to the belief that if I just did things a certain way things would turn out okay, that life would go the way I wanted, if I just controlled every little thing then.....I am a perfectionist by nature, I have systems for everything, that was the hardest. I have learned to let go, that God is big enough, His grace is sufficient. I learned that there is a lot of truth to the saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade. It is sour and tart, but when you add in the good things like sugar and water, it is good. That when God works through a situation He turns it into something beautiful and refreshing.
I have just been thinking a lot lately about where we have come from, where we are going from here. There are so many unknowns right now, we really don't quite know how things are going to play out. I know that it will be okay though, I don't have the answers and I don't need all the answers. I still fight to get them, I still struggle not knowing them but I have a peace. A peace that has been learned and bought at a price. Here is to you Luke! My beautiful teacher, my beautiful boy.
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