Sometimes, I just want to know... Why is this so hard? Why? Why? Why? (insert stomping of feet and tears) I wish I could be a two year old, I wish I could throw a tantrum and let whoever is standing in my way have the full force of my frustration.
Right now things are hard. This whole process has been a rollercoaster ride. First you are up, then you are down. Sometimes the highs seem really high and the lows really low. We have hit a snag and are trying to work it out. I was flying high because I had every piece of paperwork but one. I hired a notary and went to the clerk of courts office downtown. We had run criminal record checks a few months earlier and they were clear. This time an old traffic ticket showed up of Kenny's from when he was 16. No big deal right??? Wrong. Somehow it was coded as a traffic misdemeanor, somehow it is really hard to get these off your record. It is amazing how some random choice you made 20yrs ago will throw a wrench in the here and now.
We are waiting to see if this is really a problem, waiting to see what we need to do. Lawyers have been contacted, tears have been shed, there is talk of switching to another country's program. Who knows? We are waiting, we will find out this week hopefully. Our Dossier is due Dec 2nd so we have a little time....
I am more sure than ever that this is what God has called us to though. That He who began a good work will carry it on to completion. That the work is His, this whole plan has been His plan all along. I feel like through the waiting, through the delays there is a master plan. That somehow all these pitfalls and bumps in the road are just getting us to the child or children we were meant to be with. It is always easier to look back on situations when they are over, to see how all the details dovetailed together to get you to the finishing point. I know that one day we will look back and see how God's timing is perfect.
It is hard to wait, hard to go through it though, right now I would rather have my babies here. I say babies because that is what we originally requested, before all the changes took place. I still hope for two, but we will see. I think about them all the time. I wonder are they born? are they hungry? who is wiping their tears? who is taking care of them? who are they? are there one or two? are they boys or girls? are they sad, lonely? I want to be there, I want to take them in my arms, wipe their tears, and show them how much they are loved, already. I look at Jack and Luke, how they know they are loved, how they have been taken care of from the beginning. I think of the mommies and daddies of these children, how they love them too, how circumstances are not fair, not just. How maybe they are alive, maybe not. How if they died their last thought was for them, how if they are still alive they think about them everyday. It is all so complicated, there are so many nuances and feelings that go with adoption. How there are no easy answers. How even though we are gaining so much they have lost so much to get to that place. How there will always be a part of them that wonders about what might have been. Wow.... it is a heavy responsibility.
But I know that God places the lost and lonely in families. That He redeems situations that are seemingly hopeless, that love can conquer all. I am standing firm on His promises. That I can hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, that He who promised is faithful. That He will finish this work and we WILL hold those babies and never let go. Many prayers are being lifted and I know He hears them. This could be a small bump or a roadblock but I am so grateful for the peace I feel in this moment, that He knows. That even now He has His eye on my babies, He is working it out so we can get to them. Zeph 3:17 says that "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" I pray that verse over them, that somehow they will feel the peace and the comfort I do. That one day I will share the hope that is in me, in our family. I long for that day.
