I was telling someone about how our roller coaster ride continues. I had a mental picture of people riding down the hills with their arms up high, laughing and screaming with glee. I don't think that is how I have been riding this roller coaster lately:)
The short of the story is that Annet and Joy's birth mom has changed her mind again. She is now willing for us to take the girls again. There were a lot of untrue things that were told to her and she got scared. When she realized the truth she changed her mind again. So a week after the most devastating call in my life we got another call. One that was cautiously optimistic, there might still be a chance.
I wish I could say that we jumped right on that. I cried and cried. My heart was so broken and it seemed cruel to hope again lest it be shattered one more time. But then again, these girls were already daughters to me. I am sure outwardly I had been reserved. I really had not truly believed that we were actually going to bring them home until a few days before we got the first call. But truly in my heart they are my daughters.
We are attempting to hire a private investigator. I really thought they would be hired and done by now, it has been 8 weeks. (Insert my husband hysterically laughing here) I still haven't figured out that Africa time is so different than my time. We want a third party investigation and so does our agency. Just to make sure we know all we can know, that we answer as many questions as we can. We are really close to hiring the investigator, so I hear.
I am tired and weary. I am tired of the limbo, tired of not knowing. I think that has been the hardest part of all. I am a planner, a doer, and fairly organized. I really like a good plan.
This process is not what I expected. But when does life ever go like you plan anyway?
I think the path you take to the destination is often more important than the destination itself. That the things you learn and the ways you change matter the most.
I do love a good roller coaster ride. Climbing the big hill, the moment of anticipation right before the drop. Mostly I love the thrill of going upside down and careening around curves and speeding down the hills. It is really fun.
I want to view this whole journey in a more positive light but it is hard. I understand this is where the analogy breaks down, my life is not an amusement park ride. I think back though. I look at Jack and all the drama leading up to his birth. Preterm labor, multiple hospital stays, emergency surgery, an unexpected delivery 2 months early, months in the hospital and then home.
I remember the calm after the storm too. I remember our first full day home. It was cold and snowing outside. Just Jack and I at home. I remember his cute little five pound body and face. We stayed in bed or on the couch most of the day. Napping, feeding, napping, feeding......It was heaven. It was what I had wanted all those years. I will never forget the magic of that day. The Christmas tree in the corner, stockings on the mantle, and the best Christmas gift I could have received in my arms.
It helps to remember the good days though. All the trials were worth it. All of the blood, sweat, and tears, totally worth it. That no sacrifice was too great, no mountain too high to get my little man home.
I like to dream of the day when we are all under one roof. I close my eyes and I see all of us together. I love these girls, I want them home with us.
Today in the boys devotional it talked about not worrying about the future. Not focusing on the past. Knowing that God has a plan and is with us every step of the way. Even when we can't see the way. He does and He knows.
It was a good reminder to me. Jack said "yeah, like our past is really sad but God is still here. We don't know our future but God does". We prayed together and it was a holy moment. God filled the spaces of fear and anxiety in that moment with His peace.
I have hope today, the door has opened just a crack. I can see the light peeking out.
I don't know how this ride will end. I want to learn as I walk though. I want to become more like Christ in the process. I want to feel the joy in the sacrifice, the satisfaction of hard work paid off. I know that this struggle is not in vain.
This roller coaster ride of emotions, time, money, and faith will be worth it in the end.
