Today, it has not been the best...... I hate mornings that are rushed, frustrating, and wild. I hate mornings where I end up yelling and little ones dissolve in tears. I cannot understand how one little redheaded boy can drive me so crazy. How I come undone at his sass, his lying, the way his shoes are constantly untied and the laces in knots. How in the little and the big he can drive me so crazy.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
A Referral Lost.....
We have lost our referral on Hope. There is really no way to couch that, no way to really ease into it. It just is and it stinks. We are hopeful about Isaiah and his referral but his is up in the air as well. We are devastated, fearful, and so surprised by all of this. We have been resting on this referral, as if it were solid. We thought it was. We thought all of the i's were dotted and t's crossed, and in reality they were.
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
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