Got an email today that things are still looking good and the investigation is close to being over! Be still my heart..... The orphanage director and our lawyer will be meeting soon to discuss our case. I was so glad to hear again that movement is happening.
I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news. I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found. How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle. It has been hard. My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not. My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be. My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.
My heart, that is another thing all together. My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension. My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine. My words are terse, my fuse oh so short. My kids look at me like I am crazy. Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.
But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul. We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group. She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God. It was like a lightbulb moment. On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt. Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith. I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.
In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders. God answered them. It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb. How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life? How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?
That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me. That God is patient. God made us in His image. He meets us in our weakness. We have a brain and he lets us use it. Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears? Absolutely. But He hears us anyway. He meets us in that place.
It made my heart glad. I feel lighter. I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us. My soul feels peace. It is a good feeling, it has been awhile. It may fade tomorrow but today it is here! So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.
