Wow, so it has been a really long time since I posted something. And we have really exciting news!
We got a court date for April. April 2nd at 11:00 AM to be exact. So excited, so over the moon excited for that development.
I laugh that I haven't written it down here. That I haven't posted it. I shared it, a lot of people know about it but I didn't share it here.
I think I wanted to hold it close. To think over it, rejoice over it, just bask in it. Finally, we have a date. I wanted this whole holiday season to be different. Quiet, sacred. I knew that it was our last as a family of four. Our last with just the boys. Of course I am so excited about the girls but I would be lying if I said there wasn't some anxiety mixed in too, well a lot of anxiety. If I could leave tomorrow I would, I most definitely would. But I wanted to enjoy the season as it is right now.
It has been a special time. The court date made me focus on the here and the now, what I have right in front of me. I was so irritated that the date was so far off when we first heard about it. I cried and cried that it was so far away. I was expecting February and even that felt so far away. Then I thought that maybe there was a reason for the delay, what my mind considers a delay anyway. Then all of these things popped up that needed to be taken care of, many things that we can iron out and set in place before we go. That is a blessing in itself. So many decisions to make regarding the boys and school, especially Luke. Lots of options to iron through and paperwork to turn in, you know the drill.
I started to see the wait as a blessing. An opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I still am on pins and needles wanting to wrap my arms around those girls. Oh my goodness, I just want to go right now. BUT I took the opportunity and I have been blessed. It has been such a gift to have it taken out of my hands. It has been a gift to have time to sit and anticipate Christmas, the birthday of my Savior. Life is so busy and it is so hard to do that.
I can't say it was all sacredness and peace, not by a long shot. But there were so many beautiful moments and days. It was special. To talk over the real meaning of Christmas with the boys and have them experience that. Time to watch goofy movies, time to really read and talk about Jesus and His story from the very beginning. About how Jesus truly is a light shining into the darkness, peace in the midst of chaos. It was pretty awesome.
I am sitting by my tree, boys playing happily nearby. So content and happy. So blessed in so many ways. I am filled with anticipation of what is to come. How our household is going to increase very soon and I am so excited. So very very ready to bring my daughters home. So glad for the opportunity I had to rest and recharge, to ready my spirit. God is so good.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Getting closer......
Things are going well, really well. We have never been this far in the process and we are waiting with bated breath. We passed our investigation and received court documents in the mail on Friday. Yay!!! So we are getting SO much closer!! I will be talking to our case worker on Monday or Tuesday to figure out what exactly I need to do with the paperwork. THEN our lawyer in Uganda will file for a court date!!! So excited and hopeful. It is only a matter of months now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a lot of light:)
I just cannot imagine what it will really be like. I am so used to the way things are now, the four of us. I wonder about the personality of the girls. Annet seems so spunky and social. I have gotten some really cute pictures of her and she has a smile that lights up a room. She also has this really cute way of looking out the corner of her eyes and smiling, makes me want to eat her up. Joy hasn't shown me a smile yet. The few pictures I have of her show a beautiful and serious little girl. She seems to have some significant speech delays so I am interested to meet her and see where she is. I just want to hug and squeeze her, to make her belly laugh.
I have been trying to prepare the boys somewhat for when the girls come home. I have told both of them, especially Jack that it probably will not be quite like they expect. I read a blog post not long ago about a family's transition that was rough, how the sibling relationship hadn't developed like they thought it would. It was different than how they imagined it would be. I was explaining to Jack how we have been thinking about, praying about, and been excited about getting new siblings for over 2 years now. How they might not even know about us yet. How they might not be so excited to be over here in the beginning. I have tried to explain how much they will be giving up and how scared they might be. I have explained that some of his feelings might not be so happy and that is okay. How he and Luke will be giving up some things and they might not be so happy either. How all feelings are okay, good or bad.
It is hard for me to imagine what all the girls will be going through in the next few months. I cannot imagine the confusion and even heartache they will feel in the beginning. Their life has been so full of disruption and change. They have known true hunger and they know what it is to be without. Now they know the love of the staff at the orphanage, they know what it is to have a full belly and a place to stay. They look amazing and the home where there are is great. I feel like about the time they have started to relax or already relaxed then it will change again.
I fully expect them to resent that change on some level, even if they don't even know what it is they are feeling. I am sure they won't know how to process what is even going on. I am sure there will be some hard days to come. I am also sure that our God is big enough to meet those needs. I know that God has orchestrated all of this to put our family together. I also know that in a perfect world they would have been able to stay with their first mom and be taken care of. I grieve that they will always have a void, they will always wonder what if. Or maybe not, who knows? I think every child asks those questions on some level. Wondering what it would be like to be born to another family, another life.
I know these are questions, concerns that play out over years and lifetimes. I get intimidated when I read too much, try to prepare too much. The bottom line is that I think God can redeem every situation if He is allowed and let in. That God moves in the darkness and sheds His light. That we can be a wonderfully happy, healthy, and whole family. I believe that we will be. I can picture them here, I walk in their room and picture putting them to bed, reading stories, saying prayers. I can picture us all around the dinner table and it makes me smile. I can picture them laughing with their brothers, and their brothers watching over them.
So much goes through this head of mine. So many thoughts, worries, and dreams. We are close and I am ready to be TOGETHER. We can begin to live out what we have dreamed of for so long. What a wonderful day that will be. No matter the road I am ready to start walking!
I just cannot imagine what it will really be like. I am so used to the way things are now, the four of us. I wonder about the personality of the girls. Annet seems so spunky and social. I have gotten some really cute pictures of her and she has a smile that lights up a room. She also has this really cute way of looking out the corner of her eyes and smiling, makes me want to eat her up. Joy hasn't shown me a smile yet. The few pictures I have of her show a beautiful and serious little girl. She seems to have some significant speech delays so I am interested to meet her and see where she is. I just want to hug and squeeze her, to make her belly laugh.
I have been trying to prepare the boys somewhat for when the girls come home. I have told both of them, especially Jack that it probably will not be quite like they expect. I read a blog post not long ago about a family's transition that was rough, how the sibling relationship hadn't developed like they thought it would. It was different than how they imagined it would be. I was explaining to Jack how we have been thinking about, praying about, and been excited about getting new siblings for over 2 years now. How they might not even know about us yet. How they might not be so excited to be over here in the beginning. I have tried to explain how much they will be giving up and how scared they might be. I have explained that some of his feelings might not be so happy and that is okay. How he and Luke will be giving up some things and they might not be so happy either. How all feelings are okay, good or bad.
It is hard for me to imagine what all the girls will be going through in the next few months. I cannot imagine the confusion and even heartache they will feel in the beginning. Their life has been so full of disruption and change. They have known true hunger and they know what it is to be without. Now they know the love of the staff at the orphanage, they know what it is to have a full belly and a place to stay. They look amazing and the home where there are is great. I feel like about the time they have started to relax or already relaxed then it will change again.
I fully expect them to resent that change on some level, even if they don't even know what it is they are feeling. I am sure they won't know how to process what is even going on. I am sure there will be some hard days to come. I am also sure that our God is big enough to meet those needs. I know that God has orchestrated all of this to put our family together. I also know that in a perfect world they would have been able to stay with their first mom and be taken care of. I grieve that they will always have a void, they will always wonder what if. Or maybe not, who knows? I think every child asks those questions on some level. Wondering what it would be like to be born to another family, another life.
I know these are questions, concerns that play out over years and lifetimes. I get intimidated when I read too much, try to prepare too much. The bottom line is that I think God can redeem every situation if He is allowed and let in. That God moves in the darkness and sheds His light. That we can be a wonderfully happy, healthy, and whole family. I believe that we will be. I can picture them here, I walk in their room and picture putting them to bed, reading stories, saying prayers. I can picture us all around the dinner table and it makes me smile. I can picture them laughing with their brothers, and their brothers watching over them.
So much goes through this head of mine. So many thoughts, worries, and dreams. We are close and I am ready to be TOGETHER. We can begin to live out what we have dreamed of for so long. What a wonderful day that will be. No matter the road I am ready to start walking!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Malachi chapter 1
Got an email today that things are still looking good and the investigation is close to being over! Be still my heart..... The orphanage director and our lawyer will be meeting soon to discuss our case. I was so glad to hear again that movement is happening.
I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news. I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found. How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle. It has been hard. My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not. My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be. My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.
My heart, that is another thing all together. My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension. My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine. My words are terse, my fuse oh so short. My kids look at me like I am crazy. Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.
But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul. We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group. She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God. It was like a lightbulb moment. On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt. Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith. I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.
In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders. God answered them. It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb. How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life? How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?
That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me. That God is patient. God made us in His image. He meets us in our weakness. We have a brain and he lets us use it. Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears? Absolutely. But He hears us anyway. He meets us in that place.
It made my heart glad. I feel lighter. I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us. My soul feels peace. It is a good feeling, it has been awhile. It may fade tomorrow but today it is here! So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.
I felt my heart thaw just a little bit more at the news. I cannot explain what a dark season this has been. How finding the faith and optimism that is "me" has been nowhere to be found. How my faith has been such a chore, such a struggle. It has been hard. My head knows that God is good, all the time whether I feel it or not. My head knows that if this is meant to be it will be. My head knows that all things happen for a reason, that God does not begin a good work without completing it.
My heart, that is another thing all together. My heart is heavy and filled with apprehension. My heart cries out over and over again, please God, let it happen, let these girls be mine. My words are terse, my fuse oh so short. My kids look at me like I am crazy. Truly, I am not the mother or wife that I normally am.
But God has met me once again, proving His love and whispering to my soul. We are studying Malachi at church in my women's group. She brings up the distinction of questioning God vs doubting God. It was like a lightbulb moment. On top of all this fear in my heart there was a lot of guilt. Guilt over what I was perceiving as my lack of faith. I know I have faith but feel oh so guilty that I don't have ENOUGH faith.
In Malachi the people questioned God, questioned their prophet and leaders. God answered them. It struck me that questioning the One who knows may not be that dumb. How else are we supposed to find the answers to the difficult questions in our life? How else are we supposed to navigate through our faith?
That may seem simple or silly but it meant a lot to me. That God is patient. God made us in His image. He meets us in our weakness. We have a brain and he lets us use it. Would He rather us follow Him with no reservations, no fears? Absolutely. But He hears us anyway. He meets us in that place.
It made my heart glad. I feel lighter. I am reminded again of just how big God is, how great His love is for us. My soul feels peace. It is a good feeling, it has been awhile. It may fade tomorrow but today it is here! So grateful for a Savior and Father that never gives up on me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Checking In
It has been such a long time since I have written, not because I don't have a lot to say, lots of what I want to say just doesn't come easy. We had dinner with old friends from Texas last night, the husbands of families we were in ministry with, families we still dearly love and miss. It reminded me of how big the world is, how life goes on and on, not stopping for me and what we are going through. I am amazed at how much had changed in those 7 years and how little things had changed. So grateful for friendships built on faith and common purpose. So grateful for the years that were spent pouring into us, loving us, supporting us, molding us. Just grateful.....
Kenny also had dinner with a friend on Tuesday night. I wasn't there but I loved hearing about their adoption. They brought an 18mo little girl home from Ethiopia not that long ago. It is going great. I have been reading so much, over thinking too much, I have pretty much just scared myself silly. I DO think it is good to be prepared, that you need to know what to look for, how to promote long and lasting attachment. I really do. They had a funny moment though and I think there is truth to it. They were commiserating how their wives are always after them to read this, read that. Bob said he looked at her one day and said, "I'm going by instincts here"! Part of me cringed. Well a lot of me cringed but then I thought, there is a lot of truth to that.
So much of parenting is instinct. So much hinges on the moment, the child, the situation. I have always said I was an amazing parent, BEFORE I had kids. It is really hard and there is no one stop shop. What works for one will not work for all. We have the basic rules/strategies but how I best love and discipline and train up my children is so different. I am constantly amazed that I can in fact stretch and bend to suit the moment. I am an orderly, task oriented person. I can in fact be a rigid person. Not in all areas but I have an ideal that I never seem to reach. Parenting has taught me so much about grace and how God's love is big and transforming. That even if I feel it must be this way, it really doesn't have to be.
I have been a little worried about how I am going to manage four kids. Wondering what it is going to be like. Have I said I like order? I am not a huge fan of chaos yet I know that we will learn to be friends. I keep telling myself it will be structured chaos or organized chaos but who am I kidding? Surprisingly though, even with all my anxiety there is a peace. God is there whispering in my ear that it will be all right, He is already there. He knows when I sit, when I rise, before a word is on my lips He knows it. He is already with the girls. He has brought us together for a reason.
I think about these girls all the time. It is a very hard place to be. Everything is going well, things are moving forward. Paperwork and investigations are getting done, slowly but surely. I am hopeful but so scared at the same time. I want them home, I want them with me. I think it will happen. I want it to happen and I want it to happen soon. People say that I don't seem excited and that stings a little. I am human. I wish I could live in the moment, embrace more fully that they are ours but in reality they are not, not yet. I have gotten several pictures lately and they look good. Annet is happier, she is becoming a kid again. She runs and laughs, holds hands with her friends. Joy is still quiet, she in fact has no words yet. She is serious. I wonder what she is thinking. Probably how did I get here? What has happened to my mother? my home? These girls have already given up so much, been through so much.
So there it is. Things are moving but at what seems a snails pace to me. I am frustrated but trying to use this time for good. I am trying but it is hard. My mind is in Uganda and in the myriad of details, papers, home visits and everything else that has to happen. I look forward to years when I am looking back on these days, when my girls are home with me. That thought puts a smile on my face.
Kenny also had dinner with a friend on Tuesday night. I wasn't there but I loved hearing about their adoption. They brought an 18mo little girl home from Ethiopia not that long ago. It is going great. I have been reading so much, over thinking too much, I have pretty much just scared myself silly. I DO think it is good to be prepared, that you need to know what to look for, how to promote long and lasting attachment. I really do. They had a funny moment though and I think there is truth to it. They were commiserating how their wives are always after them to read this, read that. Bob said he looked at her one day and said, "I'm going by instincts here"! Part of me cringed. Well a lot of me cringed but then I thought, there is a lot of truth to that.
So much of parenting is instinct. So much hinges on the moment, the child, the situation. I have always said I was an amazing parent, BEFORE I had kids. It is really hard and there is no one stop shop. What works for one will not work for all. We have the basic rules/strategies but how I best love and discipline and train up my children is so different. I am constantly amazed that I can in fact stretch and bend to suit the moment. I am an orderly, task oriented person. I can in fact be a rigid person. Not in all areas but I have an ideal that I never seem to reach. Parenting has taught me so much about grace and how God's love is big and transforming. That even if I feel it must be this way, it really doesn't have to be.
I have been a little worried about how I am going to manage four kids. Wondering what it is going to be like. Have I said I like order? I am not a huge fan of chaos yet I know that we will learn to be friends. I keep telling myself it will be structured chaos or organized chaos but who am I kidding? Surprisingly though, even with all my anxiety there is a peace. God is there whispering in my ear that it will be all right, He is already there. He knows when I sit, when I rise, before a word is on my lips He knows it. He is already with the girls. He has brought us together for a reason.
I think about these girls all the time. It is a very hard place to be. Everything is going well, things are moving forward. Paperwork and investigations are getting done, slowly but surely. I am hopeful but so scared at the same time. I want them home, I want them with me. I think it will happen. I want it to happen and I want it to happen soon. People say that I don't seem excited and that stings a little. I am human. I wish I could live in the moment, embrace more fully that they are ours but in reality they are not, not yet. I have gotten several pictures lately and they look good. Annet is happier, she is becoming a kid again. She runs and laughs, holds hands with her friends. Joy is still quiet, she in fact has no words yet. She is serious. I wonder what she is thinking. Probably how did I get here? What has happened to my mother? my home? These girls have already given up so much, been through so much.
So there it is. Things are moving but at what seems a snails pace to me. I am frustrated but trying to use this time for good. I am trying but it is hard. My mind is in Uganda and in the myriad of details, papers, home visits and everything else that has to happen. I look forward to years when I am looking back on these days, when my girls are home with me. That thought puts a smile on my face.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Referrals #3 and 4
Soooo, we have another referral! It came out of the blue, we were totally not expecting it. And get this! It is for 2 GIRLS!!!!!! We are so excited and nervous. The boys are going to have to get their princess on!
There are so many really neat blessings about this referral. Their names are Annet (2 1/2) and Joy (1 1/2). They are biological sisters. Their mother is ill and can no longer care for them. They have been at the orphanage since June. They seem to be healthy and developmentally appropriate. They were malnourished and sick when they arrived but have really grown and fattened up. I will not go into specifics about their story on this blog, when they are old enough and ready it will be their story to share.
One of the neat things about this referral is that I was put into contact with a missionary family. They "happen" to work in the exact same community where the girls are from. I am so excited to talk with them and get a better understanding of where the girls are coming from. What a window into their culture, their community, all of it. I am excited that we will get to partner and stay involved in their home community in such a tangible way. Thanks Kelsey!
I am also so excited that they are biological sisters. I think this is such a special blessing. I get teary thinking about how they have always had each other and will continue to have each other. In so many instances families don't get to stay together. I LOVE that they will come to America together. I can just picture tucking them in their twin beds, or in the same bed, whatever they want.
In the interest of keeping it real, which I can't seem to help but do, we are really nervous too. I am surprised at how hard it is to fully give my heart to these girls. It was so hard to lose the last two referrals and I know that selfishly I am protecting my heart. It is slowly changing though. I look into their faces and imagine them here. I get more excited everyday, more hopeful. I just want it to work out. I want to bring kids home this time.
I had a long talk with the coordinator that traveled over to Uganda. She met with the orphanage and met the girls in person. They feel that this is a strong referral. The path that brought the girls to the orphanage is completely different than the previous referrals. The orphanage itself is experienced and was trained by another orphanage with a very strong reputation. I am choosing to trust once again.
It is a weird, weird place. So many contradicting emotions and feelings. I am trusting God though. No matter what He is big enough. He is big enough for the good and big enough for the bad. He has been faithful through everything else, He will be faithful still.
So pray with me. Pray that God's will be done. That these girls, Annet and Joy will become OUR girls. They have been through so much already. We are hoping that they will come home before January, when the courts close. We are still in the investigation phase right now. Once that is complete we will get a court date for 1-2months after that. We will travel over 2 weeks before our court date. Another blessing is that it will be one court case, not two because they are siblings.
I can already see God's hand all over this. Taking deep breaths and walking forward, one step at a time.
There are so many really neat blessings about this referral. Their names are Annet (2 1/2) and Joy (1 1/2). They are biological sisters. Their mother is ill and can no longer care for them. They have been at the orphanage since June. They seem to be healthy and developmentally appropriate. They were malnourished and sick when they arrived but have really grown and fattened up. I will not go into specifics about their story on this blog, when they are old enough and ready it will be their story to share.
One of the neat things about this referral is that I was put into contact with a missionary family. They "happen" to work in the exact same community where the girls are from. I am so excited to talk with them and get a better understanding of where the girls are coming from. What a window into their culture, their community, all of it. I am excited that we will get to partner and stay involved in their home community in such a tangible way. Thanks Kelsey!
I am also so excited that they are biological sisters. I think this is such a special blessing. I get teary thinking about how they have always had each other and will continue to have each other. In so many instances families don't get to stay together. I LOVE that they will come to America together. I can just picture tucking them in their twin beds, or in the same bed, whatever they want.
In the interest of keeping it real, which I can't seem to help but do, we are really nervous too. I am surprised at how hard it is to fully give my heart to these girls. It was so hard to lose the last two referrals and I know that selfishly I am protecting my heart. It is slowly changing though. I look into their faces and imagine them here. I get more excited everyday, more hopeful. I just want it to work out. I want to bring kids home this time.
I had a long talk with the coordinator that traveled over to Uganda. She met with the orphanage and met the girls in person. They feel that this is a strong referral. The path that brought the girls to the orphanage is completely different than the previous referrals. The orphanage itself is experienced and was trained by another orphanage with a very strong reputation. I am choosing to trust once again.
It is a weird, weird place. So many contradicting emotions and feelings. I am trusting God though. No matter what He is big enough. He is big enough for the good and big enough for the bad. He has been faithful through everything else, He will be faithful still.
So pray with me. Pray that God's will be done. That these girls, Annet and Joy will become OUR girls. They have been through so much already. We are hoping that they will come home before January, when the courts close. We are still in the investigation phase right now. Once that is complete we will get a court date for 1-2months after that. We will travel over 2 weeks before our court date. Another blessing is that it will be one court case, not two because they are siblings.
I can already see God's hand all over this. Taking deep breaths and walking forward, one step at a time.
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Well
I am here. I am waiting. Indeed, all of my family is waiting and watching, hoping for movement. Luke and Jack ask me multiple times a day, when are they coming? where are they? who are they? will it be a boy or a girl? Interesting discussion around that one actually. I think the idea of a girl in the family is a little weird to these boys of mine. It even seems weird to me, exciting but weird just the same.
The days are heavy and long lately. I have picked up this thing called grief yet again. It threatens to swallow me. I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. I see the scratch marks from previous journeys. It is familiar and oh so unwelcome. I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there. I hate that I do that but I do. I can see the light. I am moving towards that light. I am grateful for the One who is light. The One who calls me softly. The One who has known pain and separation Himself.
I don't equate my suffering with His. I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering. That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows. I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.
The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard. I just am angry. I am angry that we are back to square one. I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed. I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that keep us from him. But more than angry I am sad. They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart. I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us. I agree.
I think the time for wallowing is over though. I think it is time to get up and get out. To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand. I have been reading in Isaiah. Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"
I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can. That is the thing about a faith well tested. I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out. I have sat in this very spot. BUT I DID. I took a step and then another and then I was walking. It was God moving in my life. Giving me strength and life. I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now. I love that I have seen Him move in the past, that I can trust in that love.
Years ago we lost a baby. It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget. You always wonder what would have been. It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression. It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days. But even in those dark days my God was there. He was my hope and future. Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again. That the old will pass, the new will come.
I don't know the future but I know my Savior. I write this as a testament to the goodness of God. As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again. However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert. I know He meets us in our journey. I am trusting Him. His love is perfect. His strength is sufficient.
The well is not so deep this time. The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming. I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments. It won't overtake me, it won't last so long. Already I feel His peace taking over. I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.
The days are heavy and long lately. I have picked up this thing called grief yet again. It threatens to swallow me. I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. I see the scratch marks from previous journeys. It is familiar and oh so unwelcome. I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there. I hate that I do that but I do. I can see the light. I am moving towards that light. I am grateful for the One who is light. The One who calls me softly. The One who has known pain and separation Himself.
I don't equate my suffering with His. I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering. That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows. I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.
The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard. I just am angry. I am angry that we are back to square one. I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed. I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that keep us from him. But more than angry I am sad. They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart. I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us. I agree.
I think the time for wallowing is over though. I think it is time to get up and get out. To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand. I have been reading in Isaiah. Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"
I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can. That is the thing about a faith well tested. I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out. I have sat in this very spot. BUT I DID. I took a step and then another and then I was walking. It was God moving in my life. Giving me strength and life. I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now. I love that I have seen Him move in the past, that I can trust in that love.
Years ago we lost a baby. It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget. You always wonder what would have been. It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression. It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days. But even in those dark days my God was there. He was my hope and future. Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again. That the old will pass, the new will come.
I don't know the future but I know my Savior. I write this as a testament to the goodness of God. As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again. However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert. I know He meets us in our journey. I am trusting Him. His love is perfect. His strength is sufficient.
The well is not so deep this time. The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming. I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments. It won't overtake me, it won't last so long. Already I feel His peace taking over. I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Another referral lost......
We have lost our referral for our little man. I am so heartbroken, so sad. I knew it was coming deep down but still.... I was hoping that things would have worked out. I have said over and over again how complicated this is and it really is.
We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral. We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting. The man who was the agency's liaison for this referral has gone missing. This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive. Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for. Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.
I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim. We could not discern what the truth really was. We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction. I just wanted to bring him home though. I still look at both their faces everyday. I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.
I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two. I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now! There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions. Jack and Luke are rooming together now. Everything was ready. I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it. It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed. At least someone is using that room.
People have asked, where do we go from here? Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency? How could your agency have done this?
I don't have all those answers. I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision. They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before. Obviously they were wrong. They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here. They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on. The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out. Obviously this is a good plan. I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.
We are going to wait for another referral. We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency. I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.
We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again. We believe in grace. After all great is the grace that has been shown to us. We are nervous but hopeful. I know that there are more Brown's in our future. So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be? How many will there be? A boy? A girl?
Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait. I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful. So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light. I see that this really is the path we should be on. I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them. Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah, of course not. I have fallen in love with those two. I will NEVER forget them. I told a friend that last week we were numb. I seriously hadn't shed many tears. This weekend? Numb is gone. I am raw and broken. I just want my boy to come home with me.
The hardest part is knowing his situation. Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so. That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now. BUT I don't know any of that. I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.
We are grieving but we have hope. He who began a good work will complete it. We will walk in faith. Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.
We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral. We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting. The man who was the agency's liaison for this referral has gone missing. This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive. Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for. Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.
I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim. We could not discern what the truth really was. We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction. I just wanted to bring him home though. I still look at both their faces everyday. I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.
I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two. I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now! There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions. Jack and Luke are rooming together now. Everything was ready. I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it. It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed. At least someone is using that room.
People have asked, where do we go from here? Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency? How could your agency have done this?
I don't have all those answers. I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision. They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before. Obviously they were wrong. They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here. They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on. The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out. Obviously this is a good plan. I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.
We are going to wait for another referral. We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency. I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.
We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again. We believe in grace. After all great is the grace that has been shown to us. We are nervous but hopeful. I know that there are more Brown's in our future. So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be? How many will there be? A boy? A girl?
Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait. I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful. So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light. I see that this really is the path we should be on. I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them. Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah, of course not. I have fallen in love with those two. I will NEVER forget them. I told a friend that last week we were numb. I seriously hadn't shed many tears. This weekend? Numb is gone. I am raw and broken. I just want my boy to come home with me.
The hardest part is knowing his situation. Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so. That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now. BUT I don't know any of that. I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.
We are grieving but we have hope. He who began a good work will complete it. We will walk in faith. Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A Beautiful Night
Last night I had the privilege of being loved and cared for by a very special group of ladies. It was such a special, special time. I will never forget it. I heard so many words of wisdom, good advice, and had so many words of love spoken over me. I was prayed for at the end and it was amazing. The presence of God was so very real at that moment and all the moments since. It was Holy ground and I was so humbled to be a part of it.
I felt like I was heard and seen, and nobody turned away. This adoption process has refined me in so many ways. I have learned to trust in God and His promises more than I ever have before. My pain has been laid out, my tears have been shed many times over, there have been ups and downs along the way. It was so precious to have people see and want to know all of it. To know how I was feeling, where we were, what I needed prayer for. These women are godly, godly women. I trust their words. I trust their hearts. It was a beautiful thing. To have women want to be in community even though they have never walked this road personally. I love the body of Christ. That in the best way we carry each other's burdens, we walk beside, we cry and laugh together.
I left with hope. I left with peace. I left happier than I came. I left with laughter in my heart and a smile on my lips. My joy is not in my circumstance or what has happened in the moment. My joy is in the Father and His love and plan for my life. I will walk through trials and be the better for it. My main prayer request was to walk through this in the "right" way. Not that I do it perfectly or have a checklist, but that my focus is right. That I am pointing my family to God through this. I was reminded last night how big a role that it is, that in so many ways my family looks to me to set the tone. I am by no means perfect and I will fail, so many times. BUT I will do my best and God will walk with me.
As I was talking I realized again how blessed I am. My husband is amazing. He loves me well through it all. He is a voice of calm and reason in this storm. He listens to my rants, listens to all the crazy come pouring out. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. My kids are amazing, I see them process this and open their hearts to this. They are learning faith, what it means to walk towards something even when they can't figure out what it really is and what it really means for them. Jack says all the time he is excited but a little bit jealous too. His eyes are opened to need, to poverty. He glimpses another world that is so different from his own. Some people have asked if it is too much for my kids, shouldn't they just be kids and be happy. I say no, not now and not ever. This is bigger than them, bigger than our family. Their hearts can be opened and changed early and to Kenny and I that is best. To see God's heart right here, right now. To live not for themselves but to put feet to their faith.
God is good and God is great. He met me last night in a beautiful way through the love and prayer of friends. I am blessed and so grateful for them.
I felt like I was heard and seen, and nobody turned away. This adoption process has refined me in so many ways. I have learned to trust in God and His promises more than I ever have before. My pain has been laid out, my tears have been shed many times over, there have been ups and downs along the way. It was so precious to have people see and want to know all of it. To know how I was feeling, where we were, what I needed prayer for. These women are godly, godly women. I trust their words. I trust their hearts. It was a beautiful thing. To have women want to be in community even though they have never walked this road personally. I love the body of Christ. That in the best way we carry each other's burdens, we walk beside, we cry and laugh together.
I left with hope. I left with peace. I left happier than I came. I left with laughter in my heart and a smile on my lips. My joy is not in my circumstance or what has happened in the moment. My joy is in the Father and His love and plan for my life. I will walk through trials and be the better for it. My main prayer request was to walk through this in the "right" way. Not that I do it perfectly or have a checklist, but that my focus is right. That I am pointing my family to God through this. I was reminded last night how big a role that it is, that in so many ways my family looks to me to set the tone. I am by no means perfect and I will fail, so many times. BUT I will do my best and God will walk with me.
As I was talking I realized again how blessed I am. My husband is amazing. He loves me well through it all. He is a voice of calm and reason in this storm. He listens to my rants, listens to all the crazy come pouring out. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. My kids are amazing, I see them process this and open their hearts to this. They are learning faith, what it means to walk towards something even when they can't figure out what it really is and what it really means for them. Jack says all the time he is excited but a little bit jealous too. His eyes are opened to need, to poverty. He glimpses another world that is so different from his own. Some people have asked if it is too much for my kids, shouldn't they just be kids and be happy. I say no, not now and not ever. This is bigger than them, bigger than our family. Their hearts can be opened and changed early and to Kenny and I that is best. To see God's heart right here, right now. To live not for themselves but to put feet to their faith.
God is good and God is great. He met me last night in a beautiful way through the love and prayer of friends. I am blessed and so grateful for them.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Reflection
Today, it has not been the best...... I hate mornings that are rushed, frustrating, and wild. I hate mornings where I end up yelling and little ones dissolve in tears. I cannot understand how one little redheaded boy can drive me so crazy. How I come undone at his sass, his lying, the way his shoes are constantly untied and the laces in knots. How in the little and the big he can drive me so crazy.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
Friday, May 18, 2012
A Referral Lost.....
We have lost our referral on Hope. There is really no way to couch that, no way to really ease into it. It just is and it stinks. We are hopeful about Isaiah and his referral but his is up in the air as well. We are devastated, fearful, and so surprised by all of this. We have been resting on this referral, as if it were solid. We thought it was. We thought all of the i's were dotted and t's crossed, and in reality they were.
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Friday, April 20, 2012
Holding Pattern
So, this is really just a mind dump post. I feel crazy lately, too many things swirling around in my head. I feel like I am on high alert all the time and that kinda stinks. I have been doing some reading about how at risk and traumatized kids have high cortisol levels. How their stress level is constantly so high so that when something negative happens they overreact and have responses that are not what we would consider proportionate. Well, I feel that! I live that! Not really, not compared to what those sweet little hearts have been through but...... I have been getting looks from my husband and kids. You know the one, the one where you do something a little over the top and they look at you like you are crazy. Yep, that's the look! Oh well, for better or worse right?
We are still in a holding pattern. We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom. Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate. So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take. I hope they get it today :):) Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that. Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.
Jack and Luke are so, so excited. One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?" I wish I had a better answer. Jack always sighs and says "who knows" or "she doesn't know". It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice. It makes me laugh, every time. Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy. "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home. I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house. One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer. I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like. I can't even really picture it. I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner. I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be. Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here. I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world. It is an exciting, bittersweet time. I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:) One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me. I can't wait for that day!
We are still in a holding pattern. We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom. Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate. So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take. I hope they get it today :):) Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that. Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.
Jack and Luke are so, so excited. One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?" I wish I had a better answer. Jack always sighs and says "who knows" or "she doesn't know". It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice. It makes me laugh, every time. Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy. "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home. I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house. One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer. I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like. I can't even really picture it. I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner. I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be. Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here. I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world. It is an exciting, bittersweet time. I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:) One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me. I can't wait for that day!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A New Home
So, things are moving, things are changing, never in the way I expect them to. I am so so ready to go get my babies! I don't know that many people can understand the depth of love and feeling I have for these two. I look at their pictures and they just fit. It is as if my heart had holes just their shape and they just fit and I am filled with joy, with love, with a weight of responsibility. I love them and can't wait to meet them, to hold their hands, kiss their cheeks, all of it. I just need to get over there!
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Just checking In
So, just checking in! We have got our referral 2weeks ago today. I still cannot believe it but the reality is starting to sink in.... We will be a family of 6 sometime in the next few weeks. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I am also so nervous I can hardly stand it :):) The reality, or rather the version I have crafted in my mind, can be a tad overwhelming. It is just crazy to think that these precious little ones will be joining us soon, especially since we were settling in for such a long wait. I look at their sweet faces all day and just wonder what they are doing, what they are thinking, if they are healthy and getting enough to eat. I wonder what people have been telling them. Do they know their whole life is about to be turned upside down? I hope they are being prepared, that they have an idea what's coming!
There is so much to do on this side. We have had to redo the Dossier, with three original copies of everything. I am so glad to say that it will be mailed out tomorrow. I cannot believe I did in 2weeks what took me 6 months to do originally. We are getting rooms ready. Jack and Luke have moved in together and seem to really like it. They like it a little better than me, just trying to relax and let them enjoy their time together. The newness will wear off soon and maybe they will run out of conversation ?? As Luke says, "I just haf to say somfin" and Jack says, "Mommy, I just have to listen and then I have to say somfin". Too cute, gotta love it. I am so glad they have each other.
Jack has been all over the place. We have had some really great conversations about jealousy, change, and trusting God with it all. He is such an emotional little guy, really sensitive and intuitive. He knows big changes are afoot and he is not so sure about the change part. He really is excited about his new brother and sister, just all too aware that things are about to be really different. Luke is "just so happy", his words. He is excited, not really sure of what to think. I'm not sure if he really has a clue what is in store for him, probably not.
Kenny and I are so excited, but just exhausted. We have both been running trying to get everything done. I am working extra hours to make sure I get my FMLA (approved leave, with benefits) so that doesn't help. I will be so glad to get the paperwork mailed tomorrow, that will be a huge relief, a big check mark:):) (and I love to check things off) We have a group that volunteered to come over next Saturday to paint and get Isaiah and Hope's room done. So that will be another big relief!! Just very overwhelmed right now.
I am so READY to go get them, to get them home and start our life with them. The Ugandan lawyer is filing paperwork this week and when that is complete we will receive a court date. We will travel over 2 weeks before that court date and be in country for 4-6 weeks if everything goes smoothly. I am surprised at how hard it is to leave the boys, I mean not really surprised, but it is so very very difficult to think of leaving them here. There is really no way to take them right now. They are not allowed to be at the court dates or official meetings so that is a big chunk of time where someone would have to watch them in-country. I think it will be good to have that time with Hope and Isaiah though, they are going to need all the love and time we can give them. I really have a peace that it will be the best thing for everyone. Family will be watching Jack and Luke so they will be well taken care of and I am glad they will have each other. Waiting on pins and needles for a court date, hopefully we will know by next week!
All in all we are doing great, just tired :) But then really, when are mommies and daddies not tired, so goes the life of a parent. We are beyond thrilled about these new precious babies. Praying for grace and strength for the journey. We are praying for the hearts of Hope and Isaiah, that God will begin to knit our hearts together and they will have a peace about joining our family. I am under no illusions that this will be a quick or easy process. Their life has been hard and anything but settled and routine. We have to convince them they are here to stay, that nobody is going anywhere. Join us as we pray! More updates to come!
There is so much to do on this side. We have had to redo the Dossier, with three original copies of everything. I am so glad to say that it will be mailed out tomorrow. I cannot believe I did in 2weeks what took me 6 months to do originally. We are getting rooms ready. Jack and Luke have moved in together and seem to really like it. They like it a little better than me, just trying to relax and let them enjoy their time together. The newness will wear off soon and maybe they will run out of conversation ?? As Luke says, "I just haf to say somfin" and Jack says, "Mommy, I just have to listen and then I have to say somfin". Too cute, gotta love it. I am so glad they have each other.
Jack has been all over the place. We have had some really great conversations about jealousy, change, and trusting God with it all. He is such an emotional little guy, really sensitive and intuitive. He knows big changes are afoot and he is not so sure about the change part. He really is excited about his new brother and sister, just all too aware that things are about to be really different. Luke is "just so happy", his words. He is excited, not really sure of what to think. I'm not sure if he really has a clue what is in store for him, probably not.
Kenny and I are so excited, but just exhausted. We have both been running trying to get everything done. I am working extra hours to make sure I get my FMLA (approved leave, with benefits) so that doesn't help. I will be so glad to get the paperwork mailed tomorrow, that will be a huge relief, a big check mark:):) (and I love to check things off) We have a group that volunteered to come over next Saturday to paint and get Isaiah and Hope's room done. So that will be another big relief!! Just very overwhelmed right now.
I am so READY to go get them, to get them home and start our life with them. The Ugandan lawyer is filing paperwork this week and when that is complete we will receive a court date. We will travel over 2 weeks before that court date and be in country for 4-6 weeks if everything goes smoothly. I am surprised at how hard it is to leave the boys, I mean not really surprised, but it is so very very difficult to think of leaving them here. There is really no way to take them right now. They are not allowed to be at the court dates or official meetings so that is a big chunk of time where someone would have to watch them in-country. I think it will be good to have that time with Hope and Isaiah though, they are going to need all the love and time we can give them. I really have a peace that it will be the best thing for everyone. Family will be watching Jack and Luke so they will be well taken care of and I am glad they will have each other. Waiting on pins and needles for a court date, hopefully we will know by next week!
All in all we are doing great, just tired :) But then really, when are mommies and daddies not tired, so goes the life of a parent. We are beyond thrilled about these new precious babies. Praying for grace and strength for the journey. We are praying for the hearts of Hope and Isaiah, that God will begin to knit our hearts together and they will have a peace about joining our family. I am under no illusions that this will be a quick or easy process. Their life has been hard and anything but settled and routine. We have to convince them they are here to stay, that nobody is going anywhere. Join us as we pray! More updates to come!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Referral!!!!
Wow! What a difference a few weeks make!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Whole Lot of Nothing.....
Soooo, I have sat to down to write so many times and given up. I just don't really know exactly what to say but I know people want to know, what is going on????? I have written a few posts and just deleted them, not really for public consumption I guess. December and January were hard months. I realized that there were delays coming and then I got confirmation that there are a lot of delays coming, big ones. The referral time has now increased to 12-18months. Wow.
There are a lot of changes going on in Uganda. The courts are really cracking down and the requirements are very strict. Which of course is a good thing. Of course it is. BUT, it is hard to have thought we would be traveling by spring to think we may not even get a referral till next spring. It really is a big roller coaster ride.
I wish I had taken it all in stride, that I was filled with peace. I was definitely NOT filled with peace, I want my babies now:) Then I turn it over and God meets me, like He always does. The situation has not changed but my view has. It is always better to trust and believe, just hard to do. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I have read and heard. Adoption is all kinds of shades of gray, it is not just helping an orphan. It is not so cut dried as I once believed. It has broken my heart and made me thankful for the delays. Thankful that there are safeguards in place, that stories are being authenticated before children leave the country. I look at it with a mother's heart, a heart that would move heaven and earth before I let my child go. The world is a dark place and there are dark things that go on.
I do believe in redemption though, that God can take those dark things and make them new. That God can take something born of loss and pain and give it a hope and a future. I am excited for the future, just aware that it might not have pretty paper and a big pretty bow. I believe this is what we are called to, that God will use this to show Himself. That the child or children coming into our family are coming into a house of love, a house that prays for them, a house that talks about them every day, multiple times a day. I am so blessed to have the life I have, the children I have. What a gift they are. I cannot wait till the day we are all together.
I am reading this back and I can feel the heaviness. Should I post, should I not? But it is what it is. God is good and He has this in His hands. I really feel like I will look back on all the delays and say, oooohhhhh that's why that happened!
So that's the scoop. We are waiting. I am trying to wait with grace, to wait with the bigger picture in mind........
There are a lot of changes going on in Uganda. The courts are really cracking down and the requirements are very strict. Which of course is a good thing. Of course it is. BUT, it is hard to have thought we would be traveling by spring to think we may not even get a referral till next spring. It really is a big roller coaster ride.
I wish I had taken it all in stride, that I was filled with peace. I was definitely NOT filled with peace, I want my babies now:) Then I turn it over and God meets me, like He always does. The situation has not changed but my view has. It is always better to trust and believe, just hard to do. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I have read and heard. Adoption is all kinds of shades of gray, it is not just helping an orphan. It is not so cut dried as I once believed. It has broken my heart and made me thankful for the delays. Thankful that there are safeguards in place, that stories are being authenticated before children leave the country. I look at it with a mother's heart, a heart that would move heaven and earth before I let my child go. The world is a dark place and there are dark things that go on.
I do believe in redemption though, that God can take those dark things and make them new. That God can take something born of loss and pain and give it a hope and a future. I am excited for the future, just aware that it might not have pretty paper and a big pretty bow. I believe this is what we are called to, that God will use this to show Himself. That the child or children coming into our family are coming into a house of love, a house that prays for them, a house that talks about them every day, multiple times a day. I am so blessed to have the life I have, the children I have. What a gift they are. I cannot wait till the day we are all together.
I am reading this back and I can feel the heaviness. Should I post, should I not? But it is what it is. God is good and He has this in His hands. I really feel like I will look back on all the delays and say, oooohhhhh that's why that happened!
So that's the scoop. We are waiting. I am trying to wait with grace, to wait with the bigger picture in mind........
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