It has been such a long time since I have written, not because I don't have a lot to say, lots of what I want to say just doesn't come easy. We had dinner with old friends from Texas last night, the husbands of families we were in ministry with, families we still dearly love and miss. It reminded me of how big the world is, how life goes on and on, not stopping for me and what we are going through. I am amazed at how much had changed in those 7 years and how little things had changed. So grateful for friendships built on faith and common purpose. So grateful for the years that were spent pouring into us, loving us, supporting us, molding us. Just grateful.....
Kenny also had dinner with a friend on Tuesday night. I wasn't there but I loved hearing about their adoption. They brought an 18mo little girl home from Ethiopia not that long ago. It is going great. I have been reading so much, over thinking too much, I have pretty much just scared myself silly. I DO think it is good to be prepared, that you need to know what to look for, how to promote long and lasting attachment. I really do. They had a funny moment though and I think there is truth to it. They were commiserating how their wives are always after them to read this, read that. Bob said he looked at her one day and said, "I'm going by instincts here"! Part of me cringed. Well a lot of me cringed but then I thought, there is a lot of truth to that.
So much of parenting is instinct. So much hinges on the moment, the child, the situation. I have always said I was an amazing parent, BEFORE I had kids. It is really hard and there is no one stop shop. What works for one will not work for all. We have the basic rules/strategies but how I best love and discipline and train up my children is so different. I am constantly amazed that I can in fact stretch and bend to suit the moment. I am an orderly, task oriented person. I can in fact be a rigid person. Not in all areas but I have an ideal that I never seem to reach. Parenting has taught me so much about grace and how God's love is big and transforming. That even if I feel it must be this way, it really doesn't have to be.
I have been a little worried about how I am going to manage four kids. Wondering what it is going to be like. Have I said I like order? I am not a huge fan of chaos yet I know that we will learn to be friends. I keep telling myself it will be structured chaos or organized chaos but who am I kidding? Surprisingly though, even with all my anxiety there is a peace. God is there whispering in my ear that it will be all right, He is already there. He knows when I sit, when I rise, before a word is on my lips He knows it. He is already with the girls. He has brought us together for a reason.
I think about these girls all the time. It is a very hard place to be. Everything is going well, things are moving forward. Paperwork and investigations are getting done, slowly but surely. I am hopeful but so scared at the same time. I want them home, I want them with me. I think it will happen. I want it to happen and I want it to happen soon. People say that I don't seem excited and that stings a little. I am human. I wish I could live in the moment, embrace more fully that they are ours but in reality they are not, not yet. I have gotten several pictures lately and they look good. Annet is happier, she is becoming a kid again. She runs and laughs, holds hands with her friends. Joy is still quiet, she in fact has no words yet. She is serious. I wonder what she is thinking. Probably how did I get here? What has happened to my mother? my home? These girls have already given up so much, been through so much.
So there it is. Things are moving but at what seems a snails pace to me. I am frustrated but trying to use this time for good. I am trying but it is hard. My mind is in Uganda and in the myriad of details, papers, home visits and everything else that has to happen. I look forward to years when I am looking back on these days, when my girls are home with me. That thought puts a smile on my face.
