Holding Pattern

So, this is really just a mind dump post.  I feel crazy lately, too many things swirling around in my head.  I feel like I am on high alert all the time and that kinda stinks.  I have been doing some reading about how at risk and traumatized kids have high cortisol levels.  How their stress level is constantly so high so that when something negative happens they overreact and have responses that are not what we would consider proportionate.  Well, I feel that!  I live that!  Not really, not compared to what those sweet little hearts have been through but......  I have been getting looks from my husband and kids.  You know the one, the one where you do something a little over the top and they look at you like you are crazy.  Yep, that's the look!  Oh well, for better or worse right?

We are still in a holding pattern.  We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom.  Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate.  So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take.  I hope they get it today :):)  Patience has never been my strongest virtue.  I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that.  Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.

Jack and Luke are so, so excited.  One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?"  I wish I had a better answer.  Jack always sighs and says "who knows"  or "she doesn't know".  It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice.  It makes me laugh, every time.  Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy.  "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home.  I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house.  One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer.  I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.

Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like.  I can't even really picture it.  I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner.  I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be.  Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here.  I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world.   It is an exciting, bittersweet time.  I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:)  One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me.  I can't wait for that day!