Reflection

Today, it has not been the best......  I hate mornings that are rushed, frustrating, and wild.  I hate mornings where I end up yelling and little ones dissolve in tears.  I cannot understand how one little redheaded boy can drive me so crazy.  How I come undone at his sass,  his lying, the way his shoes are constantly untied and the laces in knots.  How in the little and the big he can drive me so crazy.

I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior.  That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings,  etc.  That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength.  These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them.  But over and over again I find myself in this place.  I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.

It is a familiar place.  Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again.  I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them.  I am angry at their actions, not them as my child.  I often find the two intertwined though.  That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.

Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world"  He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart".  It moves me and it breaks me.  I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down.  That it is a constant in his life.  It feels like a lie though.  Don't they see what I see?

I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show.  In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven.  It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life.  That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win.  That mommy's love will always win.  I am reminded that in my own life God will always win.  That His love is wide and deep.  That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away.  That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered.  He sees me and doesn't turn away.  I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.

I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me.  I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen.  They remind me of me.  It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God.  I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to.  That even in my yucky places His love can shine through.  That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus.  That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.