An Update....

Still here, still waiting:)

I have such a hard time sitting down in this place to write.  I have so much to say, so very very much.  I am just not sure all of it needs to be put here.  It is a little scary to have it all out in the open for all to see.  All 5 of my blog followers, ahem......

But seriously there is so much swirling in this head of mine.

I know that people are wondering where we are and what is going on.  I have felt such love and support through this process and it means a lot.  I always feel bad that I am not keeping an up to the minute blow by blow account on this blog.  But it is what it is.

We are still waiting for things to move and happen.  It still looks as if we will get our sweet girls.  Which obviously makes us so happy.  Nervously happy that is.

We hired a private investigator and he has finished.  We got the final report a few weeks ago.  Can I just say what a punch in the gut it was to read his words and see pictures of their family and home.  The details just broke my heart.  I wonder what they will remember, what stories will be told in the next few years.  The more I read of adult adoptees the more I realize that many many children remember far more than you give them credit for.  That those details stick in their brain.  That most importantly even if they don't remember specifics, they remember the fear, sadness, and grief of those moments.  That in their little short lives they have experienced a tremendous loss.  It is intimidating to realize these things, to think of parenting through these things.

Kenny, Luke, and I also got to meet the orphanage director of where the girls are living right now.  Wow.....what a blessing.  She is an amazing lady, I was so touched by her heart and her gentle spirit.  She is Ugandan and has spent time in an orphanage herself.  She went away for school and came back to Uganda to serve her people.  She has started a great organization, Arise and Shine Uganda, that does so many different things.  You can see her love for the children and families she serves so clearly.  She was in America for a month and was in Durham of all places.

It was so amazing to sit face to face and ask her questions.  I had so many and of course thought of a million more once we got home.  She answered specific questions we had been wondering about.  She told us all about the girls and their personalities.  We fell even more in love with them.  It was fun to hear about their daily life.  We learned a little more about their likes and dislikes, their favorite things, etc

It was such an encouragement for us.  A gift.

I also had a conversation with our caseworker at our agency that put to rest  a fear I had.  I wanted to make sure that their mom didn't want to parent the girls herself.  I knew she had changed her mind.  I just wanted to know what she meant by that.

I know she couldn't care for the girls herself.  I know that they didn't have any family that could.  I know this was a fact.  I know the facts.

I also know that she cares for and loves her girls deeply.  That when she was told wrong information and thought they would not be taken care of she immediately changed her mind.

I am a mother too.  I can't imagine the choice that she had to make, I can't imagine the circumstances that brought all of us to this point.

I want her to have the respect she deserves.  I want her to be seen as the mother she is.  So much of what has happened is no fault of hers, were things beyond her control.  That she was unable to do anything about any of it.  That even though she faltered she came back.  SHE CAME BACK.

Who among us has not wavered anyway.  I did find out that she was not looking to parent the girls herself, that she truly can't do that.  That she wants the best for them but can't do that for them.

It was such a load off my shoulders.  To know that I wasn't taking girls from a mother who wanted to care for them..... I couldn't have done it.  I as a mother myself couldn't have done that.  It was an important distinction for us, a question that Kenny and I needed to be answered.

The fact remains that for all of their life they will wonder about her.  They will ask me questions about her.  They might even put her on a pedestal.  After all, she won't be the mother that makes them eat their vegetables and say no.

All of this is okay.  It is important to me that they will have the space to feel how they feel and ask questions.

All of it feels murky to me, gray and unclear.  But beautiful all the same.  Messy and complicated and oh so worth it.

I know that we will be a family.  That I will be mama to them.  I will kiss their tears away, calm their fears, feed them, and take care of them.  That they will sit in my lap and share my heart just as the boys do.

I just want to acknowledge that adoption is not always as clear cut and black and white as people make it out to be.  I didn't know until I got into this process how hard it would be.  That you see up close what sin and choices do to families on both sides of the issue.  That there is so much grief that comes with it.  My heart has grieved so much for them and what they will give up to become part of our family.

 I also know that all four of us are so ready to have them here.  To bring them in and wrap them in love.  To knit together and just be family.  My hands are itching to touch their faces, to look in their eyes, and hold their little hands.  To wrap my arms around them and never ever let go....

Now, we wait for DNA testing.  I had thought it was done with the investigation but of course not.  This is just a formality but we and our agency want it done.  THEN we get a court date again.  Then we go get the girls.  We are praying fervently for a court date to be assigned before July 15th, when the courts close for a month.

We are weary and beyond exhausted in this process.  We are confident that God is near though.  That He knows far more than we do.  I truly think that in a few years we will look back and say, oooohhhhh that's why.  And if we don't it won't matter anyway:)