Another referral lost......

We have lost our referral for our little man.  I am so heartbroken, so sad.  I knew it was coming deep down but still.... I was hoping that things would have worked out.  I have said over and over again how complicated this is and it really is.

We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral.  We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting.  The man who was the agency's liaison  for this referral has gone missing.  This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive.  Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for.  Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.

I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim.  We could not discern what the truth really was.  We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction.  I just wanted to bring him home though.  I still look at both their faces everyday.  I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.

I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two.  I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now!  There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions.  Jack and Luke are rooming together now.  Everything was ready.  I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it.  It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed.  At least someone is using that room.

People have asked, where do we go from here?  Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency?  How could your agency have done this?

I don't have all those answers.  I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision.  They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before.  Obviously they were wrong.  They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here.  They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on.  The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out.  Obviously this is a good plan.  I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.

We are going to wait for another referral.  We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency.  I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.

We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again.  We believe in grace.  After all great is the grace that has been shown to us.  We are nervous but hopeful.  I know that there are more Brown's in our future.  So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be?  How many will there be?  A boy?  A girl?

Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait.  I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful.  So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light.  I see that this really is the path we should be on.  I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them.   Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah,  of course not.  I have fallen in love with those two.  I will NEVER forget them.   I told a friend that last week we were numb.  I seriously hadn't shed many tears.  This weekend?  Numb is gone.  I am raw and broken.  I just want my boy to come home with me.

The hardest part is knowing his situation.  Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so.  That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now.  BUT I don't know any of that.  I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.

We are grieving but we have hope.  He who began a good work will complete it.  We will walk in faith.  Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.