The Well

I am here.  I am waiting.  Indeed, all of my family is waiting and watching, hoping for movement.  Luke and Jack ask me multiple times a day, when are they coming?  where are they?  who are they?  will it be a boy or a girl?  Interesting discussion around that one actually.  I think the idea of a girl in the family is a little weird to these boys of mine.  It even seems weird to me, exciting but weird just the same.

The days are heavy and long lately.  I have picked up this thing called grief yet again.  It threatens to swallow me.  I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole.  I see the scratch marks from previous journeys.  It is familiar and oh so unwelcome.  I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there.  I hate that I do that but I do.  I can see the light.  I am moving towards that light.  I am grateful for the One who is light.  The One who calls me softly.  The One who has known pain and separation Himself.

I don't equate my suffering with His.  I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering.  That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows.   I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.

The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard.  I just am angry.  I am angry that we are back to square one.  I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed.  I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that  keep us from him.  But more than angry I am sad.  They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart.  I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us.  I agree.

I think the time for wallowing is over though.  I think it is time to get up and get out.  To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand.  I have been reading in Isaiah.  Isaiah 43:19  "For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"

I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can.  That is the thing about a faith well tested.    I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out.  I have sat in this very spot.  BUT I DID.  I took a step and then another and then I was walking.  It was God moving in my life.  Giving me strength and life.  I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now.  I love that I have seen Him move in the past,  that I can trust in that love.

Years ago we lost a baby.  It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget.  You always wonder what would have been.  It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression.  It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days.  But even in those dark days my God was there.  He was my hope and future.  Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again.  That the old will pass, the new will come.

I don't know the future but I know my Savior.  I write this as a testament to the goodness of God.  As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again.  However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert.  I know He meets us in our journey.   I am trusting Him.  His love is perfect.  His strength is sufficient.

The well is not so deep this time.  The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming.  I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments.  It won't overtake me,   it won't last so long.  Already I feel His peace taking over.  I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.