Community

My husband and I both had some really neat interactions with people today.  He was at karate with Jack.  There was a woman sitting beside him.  They were talking about the kids and she mentioned that her son was a preemie.  Kenny mentioned that both our sons had been preemies.  He said she opened up and laid it all out.  Her son was born at 28 weeks and spent a full 12 weeks in the hospital. Wow.  She turned to him at one point and said that it took all the joy out of her next pregnancy.  Kenny said it felt so good to know he wasn't the only one to mourn that loss.  How it wasn't just us who look at those movie moments where mom, dad, and baby are all snuggled on the bed.  How instead our first moments were behind walls of plastic with your wife's co-workersl looking on.

I have been emailing back and forth with another adopting mama from Texas.  She is adopting two little boys through our agency in Uganda.  It has been so encouraging to share emails even though we have never met in person.  She was talking about how there has been so much sadness mixed in with the joy.  It felt good to hear another peson's lips speak my heart.  This journey has been lonely.  I have wanted validation and understanding, someone who knows.

It was a comforting thing for both of us.  I feel like we have been hard to read in these last few years.  I often feel as if I am doing this all wrong.  I even had a terrible dream last night where I had a group of friends sit me down and tell me I WAS doing it all wrong, that they were disappointed in me.  Now, these friends would never say that and I don 't think they feel that but obviously that insecurity is still there.

So much of this journey has been bittersweet, especially the last 6 months or so.  With the first referral of our Hope and Isaiah we just jumped right in.  There is video of us telling the boys, there is video of the boy's thoughts on adoption, and video of cupcakes we had for Isaiah's birthday.  I look back at that video and our faces and the difference is startling.  This time around there was no video of telling the boys, no cupcakes.

We are so excited for the girls.  I didn't even honestly realize that we hadn't done those things.  Even when we told the boys it was followed up with "if they get to come home".  I hate that there has been such a difference but that is the reality.  I have had people tell me multiple times to let go of the past, enjoy the moment.  There have been so many enjoyable moments.  So many moments of excitement and fun.  Buying bows and dresses.  Hearing the boy's take on what life will be like with girls, hilarious.  Luke told me the other day he was NOT going to wear a dress even if the girls were sad.  (he was dressing up as a ninja at the time).

I guess what I am realizing is that my joy is manifesting itself in peace.  That I don't have that giddy excitement at the moment but I feel peace.  That these sweet girls have suffered so much grief and loss in their short life and will face even more upheaval and grief to come when we bring them home.  That I as their mother feel that pain and loss deeply.  That as happy as I am to bring them home it is not without a price.  That grafting together as a family is not about a plane ride home and a big airport party.

I rejoice in the promise of what is before us.  I rejoice in the redemption that God will bring to their loss and pain.  We are not saviors to these girls, we are not their rescuer.  They are simply my daughters.  They are sisters, well prayed for and talked about all the time.  That God in His mercy has allowed me another chance to parent.  That my long awaited desire to have more children is being realized.  That all the notions of what I thought my family would look like is being blown out of the water.  I know that it will be even richer and better than I thought.

I will remember these words in the days and months to come.  That when I am overwhelmed in the moment or wondering how to raise 4 children these days were already ordained, they are a gift from God.