Decisions, Decisions

We are in the throes of school decisions for next year.  It is so hard to know what to do......So many choices, so many voices.

I am surprised over and over again by grief.  How it will come in waves and strike at the most random times.  Luke is in preschool now and by age he should go to kindergarten next year.  However, I don't know that he is ready.  I am surprised by how much this hurts my heart.  I mean in reality it doesn't matter.  If he's not ready, he is not ready.  It hurts though.  I am surprised it hurts but it does none the less.  I read and commented on a post today.  It resonated with me and gave me some peace.  That these moments of clarity are an opportunity to pray, to shine light in on the problems.

Luke's delays/language issues are so mild by comparison to so many others.  Most people never see the struggles that he faces.  His delays are there though.  There is so much work, i.e. therapies, practicing his new skills, etc. that go on behind the scenes.   In so many many areas he shines.  In so many areas he excels.  In so many ways he has done over and above what I expected and hoped for.  It is so maddening to me how little it takes for that fear to creep in and take root.  It takes my focus away from God and his provisions thus far.  It takes away my joy in the progress that has been made.  It makes me focus on just one little thing when he is so much more.  It drives me crazy how over and over again I seem to be back at the same place.  It takes me right back to that doctor's office where I heard the words "brain injury", "cerebral palsy",  "delays", and "time will tell".  It was a horrible, scary day.  A day that confirmed my worst fears, the day that all of my secret fears came true.

In reality I see him as so much more.  My day to day life does not involve focusing in on one area of who he is.  We just do what we have to do.  I am in love with my son.  I am in love with who he is and who he has become.  He is funny and sweet.  He is tough.  He is determined.  He wants what he wants and will not let things go.  He is my bull dog.

I think today I will change my view.  I will look at this differently and fight that fear.  To have confidence in my creator and Savior.  That He is aware of my heart and my struggles.  He knows Luke and He has been there all along.  That He is faithful.  That He will provide.  The tough times are an opportunity to once again reach out to God in confidence, knowing that He will hear and act.  I only have to look back to see His work in my life.  I will not let this overshadow the good work He is doing.

I am aware again that a day does not make a life.  That that day was horrible but it was just one day, one diagnosis.  I will always remember that day and the grief of that day and those words will hit me all over again at different times in my life.  But I can honestly say that as I have wrote these words and thought about our current struggle I have peace.  His life is so much more and he has never paid attention to those words.  He doesn't even know that he has a diagnosis.  I stand in awe of my son.  I pray for those who walk a road far more difficult than I do.  I give honor and respect to those who walk a path filled with uncertainty and challenges.  I honor all of the children who don't pay attention to words and instead just keep on keeping on.