Drivel....

What to say, what to say.....

I have been trying to explain how my brain is working lately.  Ummmm, not well.  (and that is an understatement).  I am in a fog.  I have so many things to do that I don't know what to do.  My mind is constantly in Uganda:)

Today was good though.  My travel advisor is awesome.  I got an email yesterday with 4 different ways to contact her.  She was practically begging for me to call and bug her!  No really, she was!  She said in the email that if I even have the thought to contact her I should, that I would never bother her.  (and yes, I know the email was to everyone else too)  So, I did.  And it was great.

I got some questions answered that I have been mulling over for awhile.  I was able to identify a few things to do and I actually did them.  It inspired me and I got a few more things done, and then a few more and it felt good.  It felt really good.  I was just so encouraged to talk about the upcoming trip and feel like I was planning it somewhat.  Jenny even said that we might know our travel dates by the end of this week.  That would be amazing.

It is such a weird feeling to think that I will be leaving soon.  I am so ready to go but I am so sad to leave the boys here.  We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and I feel peace that the right decision is to leave them here for now.  We WILL go back.  Uganda will always be a part of our lives.  Just not right now.  It pains me to think about leaving Jack and Luke.  If I really think about I just dissolve into tears.  They are part of me, I don't know how to act if they are not with me.  I drive my husband crazy because I will say" I need to get away, just the two of us!"  and then as we are pulling out of the driveway I am teary because "I already miss the boys", maddening.  Make up my mind already!

They have big plans while we are gone.  We have amazing family that will watch over them for us.  I just want to be the one to do that.  I worry about my sweet, sensitive, very very sensitive boy.  I know he will be a handful.  He just will.  He will be emotional and teary.  He will be whiny.  He will be a pain.  I am praying for a lot of grace for that boy.  He touches me, he moves me, he drives me crazy.  I know that he will be fine.  It will be a challenge and he will miss us but he will be fine.

Luke won't even miss us, ha!  He will but it will be on the inside.  He will get grouchy and moody.  He will say NO every other word and scrunch his eyebrows and get mad at everyone in his way.  Then the storm will pass and he will be fine.  It will be partly cloudy with some strong thunderstorms while we are gone.  He will be so glad to have Jack and Jack will be so glad to have him.  They are buddies and they will take care of each other too.

I cannot wait till everyone is home and we can get into this life of ours.  We can touch, and taste, and see what it will be like.  I know that there will be challenges, I know that it will be like a rollercoaster.  But it will be our rollercoaster and I am ready to start our journey.

I am just feeling so antsy.  I have a hard time focusing.  This part of the wait has been the hardest.  I dream about the girls all the time, at least once a night it seems.  In my dreams they are always just out of reach.  I wake up right before I open the door to where they are.  Or I dream that I am walking all through the orphanage and the grounds, people keep pointing to where they are but I just can't get to them.  So frustrating...I guess even in my dreams I can't escape this restless urge to get to my daughters.  It's allright though, that is as it should be.  "My daughters",  I really like the sound of that......