Last night I had the privilege of being loved and cared for by a very special group of ladies. It was such a special, special time. I will never forget it. I heard so many words of wisdom, good advice, and had so many words of love spoken over me. I was prayed for at the end and it was amazing. The presence of God was so very real at that moment and all the moments since. It was Holy ground and I was so humbled to be a part of it.
I felt like I was heard and seen, and nobody turned away. This adoption process has refined me in so many ways. I have learned to trust in God and His promises more than I ever have before. My pain has been laid out, my tears have been shed many times over, there have been ups and downs along the way. It was so precious to have people see and want to know all of it. To know how I was feeling, where we were, what I needed prayer for. These women are godly, godly women. I trust their words. I trust their hearts. It was a beautiful thing. To have women want to be in community even though they have never walked this road personally. I love the body of Christ. That in the best way we carry each other's burdens, we walk beside, we cry and laugh together.
I left with hope. I left with peace. I left happier than I came. I left with laughter in my heart and a smile on my lips. My joy is not in my circumstance or what has happened in the moment. My joy is in the Father and His love and plan for my life. I will walk through trials and be the better for it. My main prayer request was to walk through this in the "right" way. Not that I do it perfectly or have a checklist, but that my focus is right. That I am pointing my family to God through this. I was reminded last night how big a role that it is, that in so many ways my family looks to me to set the tone. I am by no means perfect and I will fail, so many times. BUT I will do my best and God will walk with me.
As I was talking I realized again how blessed I am. My husband is amazing. He loves me well through it all. He is a voice of calm and reason in this storm. He listens to my rants, listens to all the crazy come pouring out. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. My kids are amazing, I see them process this and open their hearts to this. They are learning faith, what it means to walk towards something even when they can't figure out what it really is and what it really means for them. Jack says all the time he is excited but a little bit jealous too. His eyes are opened to need, to poverty. He glimpses another world that is so different from his own. Some people have asked if it is too much for my kids, shouldn't they just be kids and be happy. I say no, not now and not ever. This is bigger than them, bigger than our family. Their hearts can be opened and changed early and to Kenny and I that is best. To see God's heart right here, right now. To live not for themselves but to put feet to their faith.
God is good and God is great. He met me last night in a beautiful way through the love and prayer of friends. I am blessed and so grateful for them.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Reflection
Today, it has not been the best...... I hate mornings that are rushed, frustrating, and wild. I hate mornings where I end up yelling and little ones dissolve in tears. I cannot understand how one little redheaded boy can drive me so crazy. How I come undone at his sass, his lying, the way his shoes are constantly untied and the laces in knots. How in the little and the big he can drive me so crazy.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
Friday, May 18, 2012
A Referral Lost.....
We have lost our referral on Hope. There is really no way to couch that, no way to really ease into it. It just is and it stinks. We are hopeful about Isaiah and his referral but his is up in the air as well. We are devastated, fearful, and so surprised by all of this. We have been resting on this referral, as if it were solid. We thought it was. We thought all of the i's were dotted and t's crossed, and in reality they were.
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Friday, April 20, 2012
Holding Pattern
So, this is really just a mind dump post. I feel crazy lately, too many things swirling around in my head. I feel like I am on high alert all the time and that kinda stinks. I have been doing some reading about how at risk and traumatized kids have high cortisol levels. How their stress level is constantly so high so that when something negative happens they overreact and have responses that are not what we would consider proportionate. Well, I feel that! I live that! Not really, not compared to what those sweet little hearts have been through but...... I have been getting looks from my husband and kids. You know the one, the one where you do something a little over the top and they look at you like you are crazy. Yep, that's the look! Oh well, for better or worse right?
We are still in a holding pattern. We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom. Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate. So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take. I hope they get it today :):) Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that. Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.
Jack and Luke are so, so excited. One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?" I wish I had a better answer. Jack always sighs and says "who knows" or "she doesn't know". It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice. It makes me laugh, every time. Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy. "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home. I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house. One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer. I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like. I can't even really picture it. I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner. I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be. Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here. I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world. It is an exciting, bittersweet time. I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:) One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me. I can't wait for that day!
We are still in a holding pattern. We are waiting for them to obtain paperwork for the kiddos, namely a death certificate for Isaiah's birth mom. Kenny has been patiently reminding me that even in the United States it can take two to three weeks to get a death certificate. So, it is anybody's guess as to how long this will take. I hope they get it today :):) Patience has never been my strongest virtue. I have people tell me how patient I am but if they knew the real me on the inside I don't think they would be saying that. Besides, all that crazy behavior is reserved for inside the four walls of my house, unfortunately.
Jack and Luke are so, so excited. One of Luke's first questions of the day is "when are we going to adopt?" I wish I had a better answer. Jack always sighs and says "who knows" or "she doesn't know". It is always in this martyred, half accusing voice. It makes me laugh, every time. Luke has also been using the imminent arrival of Hope and Isaiah to try and get toys, water guns, extra food, whatever suits his fancy. "It's for the kids mom!" Hopefully all of this new found generosity will stick around once everyone is home. I can't wait for all four of them to be together and running around the house. One good thing about the wait is that we will probably be bringing the little ones home in the summer. I think it will be great for them to all be together and bond before school starts back.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what it will be like. I can't even really picture it. I sit in their room all the time, in the rocker in the corner. I pray for them and think about them and just dream about how it will be. Words cannot express the love I already feel, the way I can't wait to get them here. I have sat in every nursery we have had and rocked and prayed those babies into the world. It is an exciting, bittersweet time. I wish I could put up their pictures, but one day we will:) One day I will rock them to sleep and read to them and just watch the crazy going on all around me. I can't wait for that day!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A New Home
So, things are moving, things are changing, never in the way I expect them to. I am so so ready to go get my babies! I don't know that many people can understand the depth of love and feeling I have for these two. I look at their pictures and they just fit. It is as if my heart had holes just their shape and they just fit and I am filled with joy, with love, with a weight of responsibility. I love them and can't wait to meet them, to hold their hands, kiss their cheeks, all of it. I just need to get over there!
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
I am filled with anxiety, filled with nervousness right now. The kids just got moved into a home and out of their families' home. They will be living with other kids in the slum, the organization that runs the feeding program in their area runs the home. It was unexpected for me. I knew it was a possibility but somehow I thought they would stay where they were. There are obvious benefits such as better food, better medical care, etc. AND they will get to meet each other and spend time together before we get over there. I think that is a special blessing and I am so glad they will know each other and have each other. I pray for their hearts all the time, Isaiah has never been in any other home than his grandmother's and I can't begin to think what must be going through his little head. Hope has moved around before but still, just one more transition. A transition I had hoped they wouldn't have to make. I spent the first afternoon I found out in tears, and many tears were shed at work that night. I just don't want them to go through any more than they have to. Their story is being written out before our eyes and it pains me.
We hope that we will get a court date soon. There have been changes with the kids, in their status and those changes need to be reflected in the paperwork. They hope to have all the documentation and changes to the paperwork made by next week. Then we can sign the papers and get them to Kampala. I hope it is next week, I hope it is soon!
I know there is a master plan and that gives me comfort, but my human mind is getting in my way. I feel on edge all the time, I am crabby, I want to get this part over with! I am reminded that this is where the hand of God works the most though. That in these times God is strongest, biggest, and closer. That through these trials I am gaining perspective and growing, being made into someone different, someone who has been tested and sees that God is good. I give the pain of not knowing, the pain of their little lives over to Him. I am reminded that God Himself knows the pain of seeing His child in pain. God Himself watched His son die on that cross. The tears I shed have been shed by my Heavenly Father. I don't claim to know the same pain that He know, after all my pain is a drop in the bucket comparatively.
I am reminded of those first dark months after Luke's cerebral palsy diagnosis. How it was like seeing and walking through mud. I knew God was there, I saw Him over and over again but it didn't take away the pain, the questions, the deep desire to know how it was all going to work out. It was a hard, dark time but one of the most beautiful times of my life. To have walked through trials before, to have come out on the other side makes it easier. To have seen God's grace, His provision over and over again. I laugh at myself all the time as I watch Luke run and bulldoze his way through life. He has a sweet tender side, but he is tenacious, what he wants he will get. I love his tenacity. I love his bullheadedness. I love him. I love that through it all Kenny and I became closer than we had ever been and we remain strong today. I love that his brother's already tender heart grew even softer, that he watches over him. I love that God took the ugly and made it wonderful and beautiful. I wish Luke had never had to struggle but all of that work and angst made him and our family who it is today.
These thoughts and reminders fill me with peace (if I let them). I may not see the path laid out before me, my own sinful nature and anxiety hide the way. However, I have walked the unknown before, I have come out the other side and been the better for it. I can take one step and then another. Praise God for who He is, praise Him for the work He has done. He has His hands on ALL my children. I will get them in His perfect timing and that is enough
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Just checking In
So, just checking in! We have got our referral 2weeks ago today. I still cannot believe it but the reality is starting to sink in.... We will be a family of 6 sometime in the next few weeks. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I am also so nervous I can hardly stand it :):) The reality, or rather the version I have crafted in my mind, can be a tad overwhelming. It is just crazy to think that these precious little ones will be joining us soon, especially since we were settling in for such a long wait. I look at their sweet faces all day and just wonder what they are doing, what they are thinking, if they are healthy and getting enough to eat. I wonder what people have been telling them. Do they know their whole life is about to be turned upside down? I hope they are being prepared, that they have an idea what's coming!
There is so much to do on this side. We have had to redo the Dossier, with three original copies of everything. I am so glad to say that it will be mailed out tomorrow. I cannot believe I did in 2weeks what took me 6 months to do originally. We are getting rooms ready. Jack and Luke have moved in together and seem to really like it. They like it a little better than me, just trying to relax and let them enjoy their time together. The newness will wear off soon and maybe they will run out of conversation ?? As Luke says, "I just haf to say somfin" and Jack says, "Mommy, I just have to listen and then I have to say somfin". Too cute, gotta love it. I am so glad they have each other.
Jack has been all over the place. We have had some really great conversations about jealousy, change, and trusting God with it all. He is such an emotional little guy, really sensitive and intuitive. He knows big changes are afoot and he is not so sure about the change part. He really is excited about his new brother and sister, just all too aware that things are about to be really different. Luke is "just so happy", his words. He is excited, not really sure of what to think. I'm not sure if he really has a clue what is in store for him, probably not.
Kenny and I are so excited, but just exhausted. We have both been running trying to get everything done. I am working extra hours to make sure I get my FMLA (approved leave, with benefits) so that doesn't help. I will be so glad to get the paperwork mailed tomorrow, that will be a huge relief, a big check mark:):) (and I love to check things off) We have a group that volunteered to come over next Saturday to paint and get Isaiah and Hope's room done. So that will be another big relief!! Just very overwhelmed right now.
I am so READY to go get them, to get them home and start our life with them. The Ugandan lawyer is filing paperwork this week and when that is complete we will receive a court date. We will travel over 2 weeks before that court date and be in country for 4-6 weeks if everything goes smoothly. I am surprised at how hard it is to leave the boys, I mean not really surprised, but it is so very very difficult to think of leaving them here. There is really no way to take them right now. They are not allowed to be at the court dates or official meetings so that is a big chunk of time where someone would have to watch them in-country. I think it will be good to have that time with Hope and Isaiah though, they are going to need all the love and time we can give them. I really have a peace that it will be the best thing for everyone. Family will be watching Jack and Luke so they will be well taken care of and I am glad they will have each other. Waiting on pins and needles for a court date, hopefully we will know by next week!
All in all we are doing great, just tired :) But then really, when are mommies and daddies not tired, so goes the life of a parent. We are beyond thrilled about these new precious babies. Praying for grace and strength for the journey. We are praying for the hearts of Hope and Isaiah, that God will begin to knit our hearts together and they will have a peace about joining our family. I am under no illusions that this will be a quick or easy process. Their life has been hard and anything but settled and routine. We have to convince them they are here to stay, that nobody is going anywhere. Join us as we pray! More updates to come!
There is so much to do on this side. We have had to redo the Dossier, with three original copies of everything. I am so glad to say that it will be mailed out tomorrow. I cannot believe I did in 2weeks what took me 6 months to do originally. We are getting rooms ready. Jack and Luke have moved in together and seem to really like it. They like it a little better than me, just trying to relax and let them enjoy their time together. The newness will wear off soon and maybe they will run out of conversation ?? As Luke says, "I just haf to say somfin" and Jack says, "Mommy, I just have to listen and then I have to say somfin". Too cute, gotta love it. I am so glad they have each other.
Jack has been all over the place. We have had some really great conversations about jealousy, change, and trusting God with it all. He is such an emotional little guy, really sensitive and intuitive. He knows big changes are afoot and he is not so sure about the change part. He really is excited about his new brother and sister, just all too aware that things are about to be really different. Luke is "just so happy", his words. He is excited, not really sure of what to think. I'm not sure if he really has a clue what is in store for him, probably not.
Kenny and I are so excited, but just exhausted. We have both been running trying to get everything done. I am working extra hours to make sure I get my FMLA (approved leave, with benefits) so that doesn't help. I will be so glad to get the paperwork mailed tomorrow, that will be a huge relief, a big check mark:):) (and I love to check things off) We have a group that volunteered to come over next Saturday to paint and get Isaiah and Hope's room done. So that will be another big relief!! Just very overwhelmed right now.
I am so READY to go get them, to get them home and start our life with them. The Ugandan lawyer is filing paperwork this week and when that is complete we will receive a court date. We will travel over 2 weeks before that court date and be in country for 4-6 weeks if everything goes smoothly. I am surprised at how hard it is to leave the boys, I mean not really surprised, but it is so very very difficult to think of leaving them here. There is really no way to take them right now. They are not allowed to be at the court dates or official meetings so that is a big chunk of time where someone would have to watch them in-country. I think it will be good to have that time with Hope and Isaiah though, they are going to need all the love and time we can give them. I really have a peace that it will be the best thing for everyone. Family will be watching Jack and Luke so they will be well taken care of and I am glad they will have each other. Waiting on pins and needles for a court date, hopefully we will know by next week!
All in all we are doing great, just tired :) But then really, when are mommies and daddies not tired, so goes the life of a parent. We are beyond thrilled about these new precious babies. Praying for grace and strength for the journey. We are praying for the hearts of Hope and Isaiah, that God will begin to knit our hearts together and they will have a peace about joining our family. I am under no illusions that this will be a quick or easy process. Their life has been hard and anything but settled and routine. We have to convince them they are here to stay, that nobody is going anywhere. Join us as we pray! More updates to come!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Referral!!!!
Wow! What a difference a few weeks make!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
We have a referral!
We have a little boy 1year old (soon to be 2) and a little girl 2 years old!!!!
We are over the moon excited, can't wait to lay hands on them!!!! They are so beautiful and sweet. I can't post their pictures here but wow. I keep staring at their little faces ALL DAY LONG. He has such a puzzled look on his face, like what is going on. I just want to put a smile on that face. She has a cute little grin on her face, she might give me a run for my money:) and her hair!! So much of it!! I can't believe that in a few months there will be four little faces at my table. Life is going to change at the Brown house!
We are waiting for a travel date which might be as soon as a few weeks! We also have to obtain 3 more original dossiers in a few weeks. (the paperwork we chased to make this adoption possible, it originally took me months) We also need shots, a bedroom set up, a car that fits all the kids, and the list goes on and on:) We have A LOT to do! Gives me something to do with my nervous energy!
After we get our travel date then Kenny and I will head over for 4-6weeks if everything goes well and smoothly. The boys will be staying here with family most likely. That is a big gulp moment for me. I feel both options could work, but really think their staying here will be the best option. I cannot imagine being away from the boys that long though..... I can't wait to have that undivided attention with the new "littles" though.....
It is so daunting to really sit and think about bringing these new littles home. So much in their life is going to change. I am sure they will be looking at us thinking, well I'm not sure what they will think. I do know they have had a hard, tumultuous life so far. I won't be sharing specifics here. We really need to think through what we will share and what we won't. Their story is theirs and I want to respect their privacy. It's funny because when we originally started this process we were thinking babies and now we are bringing home toddlers. Wild.
I should have a lot more to say in the next few weeks and coming months! So grateful to God that He has blessed us so richly. I soooo wanted two little ones and we got them. I just read back over my last post, what a difference! I am leaning on Him and His peace right now. I am jittery, on edge, ready to go right now. To think of them in such a hard place with little resources drives me a little crazy. I am already so in love. I keep looking at my pictures and saying to myself, there you are, that is the hole that has been waiting to be filled by you.
We are still deciding on names. Right now the little boy is named Staton and the little girl is named Namazi. Big decision!
So this post is all over the place, just like my brain:) I am so so thrilled, so so happy. The boys are excited and trying to process what all this really means. Luke just says he is "happy". Jack is excited but more cautious, he has added a new sibling before:) He had a hard time adjusting the first go round with Luke so it is interesting to watch those wheels turn in his head!
More info to come!
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