It has been such a long time since I have written, not because I don't have a lot to say, lots of what I want to say just doesn't come easy. We had dinner with old friends from Texas last night, the husbands of families we were in ministry with, families we still dearly love and miss. It reminded me of how big the world is, how life goes on and on, not stopping for me and what we are going through. I am amazed at how much had changed in those 7 years and how little things had changed. So grateful for friendships built on faith and common purpose. So grateful for the years that were spent pouring into us, loving us, supporting us, molding us. Just grateful.....
Kenny also had dinner with a friend on Tuesday night. I wasn't there but I loved hearing about their adoption. They brought an 18mo little girl home from Ethiopia not that long ago. It is going great. I have been reading so much, over thinking too much, I have pretty much just scared myself silly. I DO think it is good to be prepared, that you need to know what to look for, how to promote long and lasting attachment. I really do. They had a funny moment though and I think there is truth to it. They were commiserating how their wives are always after them to read this, read that. Bob said he looked at her one day and said, "I'm going by instincts here"! Part of me cringed. Well a lot of me cringed but then I thought, there is a lot of truth to that.
So much of parenting is instinct. So much hinges on the moment, the child, the situation. I have always said I was an amazing parent, BEFORE I had kids. It is really hard and there is no one stop shop. What works for one will not work for all. We have the basic rules/strategies but how I best love and discipline and train up my children is so different. I am constantly amazed that I can in fact stretch and bend to suit the moment. I am an orderly, task oriented person. I can in fact be a rigid person. Not in all areas but I have an ideal that I never seem to reach. Parenting has taught me so much about grace and how God's love is big and transforming. That even if I feel it must be this way, it really doesn't have to be.
I have been a little worried about how I am going to manage four kids. Wondering what it is going to be like. Have I said I like order? I am not a huge fan of chaos yet I know that we will learn to be friends. I keep telling myself it will be structured chaos or organized chaos but who am I kidding? Surprisingly though, even with all my anxiety there is a peace. God is there whispering in my ear that it will be all right, He is already there. He knows when I sit, when I rise, before a word is on my lips He knows it. He is already with the girls. He has brought us together for a reason.
I think about these girls all the time. It is a very hard place to be. Everything is going well, things are moving forward. Paperwork and investigations are getting done, slowly but surely. I am hopeful but so scared at the same time. I want them home, I want them with me. I think it will happen. I want it to happen and I want it to happen soon. People say that I don't seem excited and that stings a little. I am human. I wish I could live in the moment, embrace more fully that they are ours but in reality they are not, not yet. I have gotten several pictures lately and they look good. Annet is happier, she is becoming a kid again. She runs and laughs, holds hands with her friends. Joy is still quiet, she in fact has no words yet. She is serious. I wonder what she is thinking. Probably how did I get here? What has happened to my mother? my home? These girls have already given up so much, been through so much.
So there it is. Things are moving but at what seems a snails pace to me. I am frustrated but trying to use this time for good. I am trying but it is hard. My mind is in Uganda and in the myriad of details, papers, home visits and everything else that has to happen. I look forward to years when I am looking back on these days, when my girls are home with me. That thought puts a smile on my face.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Referrals #3 and 4
Soooo, we have another referral! It came out of the blue, we were totally not expecting it. And get this! It is for 2 GIRLS!!!!!! We are so excited and nervous. The boys are going to have to get their princess on!
There are so many really neat blessings about this referral. Their names are Annet (2 1/2) and Joy (1 1/2). They are biological sisters. Their mother is ill and can no longer care for them. They have been at the orphanage since June. They seem to be healthy and developmentally appropriate. They were malnourished and sick when they arrived but have really grown and fattened up. I will not go into specifics about their story on this blog, when they are old enough and ready it will be their story to share.
One of the neat things about this referral is that I was put into contact with a missionary family. They "happen" to work in the exact same community where the girls are from. I am so excited to talk with them and get a better understanding of where the girls are coming from. What a window into their culture, their community, all of it. I am excited that we will get to partner and stay involved in their home community in such a tangible way. Thanks Kelsey!
I am also so excited that they are biological sisters. I think this is such a special blessing. I get teary thinking about how they have always had each other and will continue to have each other. In so many instances families don't get to stay together. I LOVE that they will come to America together. I can just picture tucking them in their twin beds, or in the same bed, whatever they want.
In the interest of keeping it real, which I can't seem to help but do, we are really nervous too. I am surprised at how hard it is to fully give my heart to these girls. It was so hard to lose the last two referrals and I know that selfishly I am protecting my heart. It is slowly changing though. I look into their faces and imagine them here. I get more excited everyday, more hopeful. I just want it to work out. I want to bring kids home this time.
I had a long talk with the coordinator that traveled over to Uganda. She met with the orphanage and met the girls in person. They feel that this is a strong referral. The path that brought the girls to the orphanage is completely different than the previous referrals. The orphanage itself is experienced and was trained by another orphanage with a very strong reputation. I am choosing to trust once again.
It is a weird, weird place. So many contradicting emotions and feelings. I am trusting God though. No matter what He is big enough. He is big enough for the good and big enough for the bad. He has been faithful through everything else, He will be faithful still.
So pray with me. Pray that God's will be done. That these girls, Annet and Joy will become OUR girls. They have been through so much already. We are hoping that they will come home before January, when the courts close. We are still in the investigation phase right now. Once that is complete we will get a court date for 1-2months after that. We will travel over 2 weeks before our court date. Another blessing is that it will be one court case, not two because they are siblings.
I can already see God's hand all over this. Taking deep breaths and walking forward, one step at a time.
There are so many really neat blessings about this referral. Their names are Annet (2 1/2) and Joy (1 1/2). They are biological sisters. Their mother is ill and can no longer care for them. They have been at the orphanage since June. They seem to be healthy and developmentally appropriate. They were malnourished and sick when they arrived but have really grown and fattened up. I will not go into specifics about their story on this blog, when they are old enough and ready it will be their story to share.
One of the neat things about this referral is that I was put into contact with a missionary family. They "happen" to work in the exact same community where the girls are from. I am so excited to talk with them and get a better understanding of where the girls are coming from. What a window into their culture, their community, all of it. I am excited that we will get to partner and stay involved in their home community in such a tangible way. Thanks Kelsey!
I am also so excited that they are biological sisters. I think this is such a special blessing. I get teary thinking about how they have always had each other and will continue to have each other. In so many instances families don't get to stay together. I LOVE that they will come to America together. I can just picture tucking them in their twin beds, or in the same bed, whatever they want.
In the interest of keeping it real, which I can't seem to help but do, we are really nervous too. I am surprised at how hard it is to fully give my heart to these girls. It was so hard to lose the last two referrals and I know that selfishly I am protecting my heart. It is slowly changing though. I look into their faces and imagine them here. I get more excited everyday, more hopeful. I just want it to work out. I want to bring kids home this time.
I had a long talk with the coordinator that traveled over to Uganda. She met with the orphanage and met the girls in person. They feel that this is a strong referral. The path that brought the girls to the orphanage is completely different than the previous referrals. The orphanage itself is experienced and was trained by another orphanage with a very strong reputation. I am choosing to trust once again.
It is a weird, weird place. So many contradicting emotions and feelings. I am trusting God though. No matter what He is big enough. He is big enough for the good and big enough for the bad. He has been faithful through everything else, He will be faithful still.
So pray with me. Pray that God's will be done. That these girls, Annet and Joy will become OUR girls. They have been through so much already. We are hoping that they will come home before January, when the courts close. We are still in the investigation phase right now. Once that is complete we will get a court date for 1-2months after that. We will travel over 2 weeks before our court date. Another blessing is that it will be one court case, not two because they are siblings.
I can already see God's hand all over this. Taking deep breaths and walking forward, one step at a time.
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Well
I am here. I am waiting. Indeed, all of my family is waiting and watching, hoping for movement. Luke and Jack ask me multiple times a day, when are they coming? where are they? who are they? will it be a boy or a girl? Interesting discussion around that one actually. I think the idea of a girl in the family is a little weird to these boys of mine. It even seems weird to me, exciting but weird just the same.
The days are heavy and long lately. I have picked up this thing called grief yet again. It threatens to swallow me. I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. I see the scratch marks from previous journeys. It is familiar and oh so unwelcome. I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there. I hate that I do that but I do. I can see the light. I am moving towards that light. I am grateful for the One who is light. The One who calls me softly. The One who has known pain and separation Himself.
I don't equate my suffering with His. I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering. That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows. I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.
The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard. I just am angry. I am angry that we are back to square one. I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed. I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that keep us from him. But more than angry I am sad. They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart. I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us. I agree.
I think the time for wallowing is over though. I think it is time to get up and get out. To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand. I have been reading in Isaiah. Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"
I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can. That is the thing about a faith well tested. I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out. I have sat in this very spot. BUT I DID. I took a step and then another and then I was walking. It was God moving in my life. Giving me strength and life. I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now. I love that I have seen Him move in the past, that I can trust in that love.
Years ago we lost a baby. It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget. You always wonder what would have been. It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression. It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days. But even in those dark days my God was there. He was my hope and future. Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again. That the old will pass, the new will come.
I don't know the future but I know my Savior. I write this as a testament to the goodness of God. As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again. However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert. I know He meets us in our journey. I am trusting Him. His love is perfect. His strength is sufficient.
The well is not so deep this time. The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming. I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments. It won't overtake me, it won't last so long. Already I feel His peace taking over. I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.
The days are heavy and long lately. I have picked up this thing called grief yet again. It threatens to swallow me. I feel so much like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. I see the scratch marks from previous journeys. It is familiar and oh so unwelcome. I have drawn back from life, drawn back from the ones around me who really want to be there. I hate that I do that but I do. I can see the light. I am moving towards that light. I am grateful for the One who is light. The One who calls me softly. The One who has known pain and separation Himself.
I don't equate my suffering with His. I know that mine is a drop in the bucket comparatively, but I am so grateful that we share in suffering. That the longing in my heart, the tears, all of it, He knows. I am so thankful for a Savior that is accessible to me in this moment.
The loss of our last referral has been hard, so so hard. I just am angry. I am angry that we are back to square one. I am angry that our little man's situation has not changed. I am angry that red tape and a bad situation that keep us from him. But more than angry I am sad. They were both already here, taking up residence in my heart. I had a wise friend tell me that they always will be there, they are written in the lives of all of us. I agree.
I think the time for wallowing is over though. I think it is time to get up and get out. To lean in and trust even more fully that God has us in His hand. I have been reading in Isaiah. Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland"
I am trusting in that promise, looking for His hand wherever I can. That is the thing about a faith well tested. I have been in the depths before, I have wondered how I would ever claw my way out. I have sat in this very spot. BUT I DID. I took a step and then another and then I was walking. It was God moving in my life. Giving me strength and life. I was a wasteland, a dry desert just like I am now. I love that I have seen Him move in the past, that I can trust in that love.
Years ago we lost a baby. It was early, just a blip but it is something you never forget. You always wonder what would have been. It was the beginning of a long slide into another difficult pregnancy, difficult infant, and eventually into the deep dark well of depression. It is a terrible place to be and so much of this situation brings me back to those dark, dark days. But even in those dark days my God was there. He was my hope and future. Because I walked through those dark days I know there IS hope, that joy will come again. That the old will pass, the new will come.
I don't know the future but I know my Savior. I write this as a testament to the goodness of God. As a woman who wishes she had more faith in this moment, as someone who's a little ashamed to be here once again. However, I know everyone struggles, everyone is walking through or has just walked through their own desert. I know He meets us in our journey. I am trusting Him. His love is perfect. His strength is sufficient.
The well is not so deep this time. The darkness not quite so scary, not so consuming. I am laughing at the boys and enjoying the good moments. It won't overtake me, it won't last so long. Already I feel His peace taking over. I just want to say that God is good all the time, even in this.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Another referral lost......
We have lost our referral for our little man. I am so heartbroken, so sad. I knew it was coming deep down but still.... I was hoping that things would have worked out. I have said over and over again how complicated this is and it really is.
We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral. We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting. The man who was the agency's liaison for this referral has gone missing. This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive. Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for. Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.
I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim. We could not discern what the truth really was. We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction. I just wanted to bring him home though. I still look at both their faces everyday. I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.
I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two. I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now! There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions. Jack and Luke are rooming together now. Everything was ready. I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it. It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed. At least someone is using that room.
People have asked, where do we go from here? Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency? How could your agency have done this?
I don't have all those answers. I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision. They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before. Obviously they were wrong. They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here. They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on. The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out. Obviously this is a good plan. I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.
We are going to wait for another referral. We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency. I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.
We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again. We believe in grace. After all great is the grace that has been shown to us. We are nervous but hopeful. I know that there are more Brown's in our future. So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be? How many will there be? A boy? A girl?
Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait. I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful. So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light. I see that this really is the path we should be on. I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them. Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah, of course not. I have fallen in love with those two. I will NEVER forget them. I told a friend that last week we were numb. I seriously hadn't shed many tears. This weekend? Numb is gone. I am raw and broken. I just want my boy to come home with me.
The hardest part is knowing his situation. Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so. That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now. BUT I don't know any of that. I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.
We are grieving but we have hope. He who began a good work will complete it. We will walk in faith. Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.
We had heard that his mom had died a few months ago when we lost Hope's referral. We were waiting for a death certificate and kept waiting and waiting. The man who was the agency's liaison for this referral has gone missing. This obviously prompted more digging and we found out that his mom is actually alive. Which prompted more digging and more questions, none of which we could get answers for. Our lawyer said there was really no way to go forward with this case, that it would be too difficult to pass court.
I think Kenny and I had been thinking the same thing separately. We both knew this would be a hard case and we knew that our odds of passing court were slim. We could not discern what the truth really was. We were hoping that things would work out and praying for direction. I just wanted to bring him home though. I still look at both their faces everyday. I still can't believe that we are where we are, kind of back to square one.
I still walk up the stairs everyday looking at the room set up for two. I laugh at myself and how I HAD to get it done, right now! There are clothes in the drawers, hair bows, hair cream, and special lotions. Jack and Luke are rooming together now. Everything was ready. I always shut that door and inevitably Luke opens it. It is his "playing room", perfect for Star Wars and jumping bed to bed. At least someone is using that room.
People have asked, where do we go from here? Aren't you so angry/frustrated with your agency? How could your agency have done this?
I don't have all those answers. I know that trusting who they trusted turned out to be a bad decision. They had every reason to believe that he was a trustworthy man, he had done this before. Obviously they were wrong. They have regrouped and we have talked through where to go from here. They have a staff member going over to Uganda within the next 2 months to see with her eyes what is going on. The lawyer is adamant that paperwork is in hand and other safeguards are put in place before a referral is handed out. Obviously this is a good plan. I told our caseworker that I don't want to be in this situation again.
We are going to wait for another referral. We are a pilot program, the first family to be offered a referral, the first family to have attempted to adopt in Uganda through our agency. I feel strongly after talking to them that they have a better plan, a better way to move forward.
We are choosing optimism and choosing to trust once again. We believe in grace. After all great is the grace that has been shown to us. We are nervous but hopeful. I know that there are more Brown's in our future. So again we will wait and wonder, who will they be? How many will there be? A boy? A girl?
Even though I would really rather not wait at all I am learning so much in the wait. I have learned over and over again that God is good and He is faithful. So many times I am walking in the dark and then I see the light. I see that this really is the path we should be on. I look at those little faces that were ours for such a short time and know there are literally millions other just like them. Not that we didn't love and want Hope and Isaiah, of course not. I have fallen in love with those two. I will NEVER forget them. I told a friend that last week we were numb. I seriously hadn't shed many tears. This weekend? Numb is gone. I am raw and broken. I just want my boy to come home with me.
The hardest part is knowing his situation. Knowing he is in a hard place and will continue to be so. That he may eventually end up in an orphanage, with the same circumstances in place that are preventing us from giving him a home now. BUT I don't know any of that. I have to trust and I do trust that my God is so much bigger than me, His love so much bigger than mine.
We are grieving but we have hope. He who began a good work will complete it. We will walk in faith. Maybe a little battered and bruised, but walk on we will.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A Beautiful Night
Last night I had the privilege of being loved and cared for by a very special group of ladies. It was such a special, special time. I will never forget it. I heard so many words of wisdom, good advice, and had so many words of love spoken over me. I was prayed for at the end and it was amazing. The presence of God was so very real at that moment and all the moments since. It was Holy ground and I was so humbled to be a part of it.
I felt like I was heard and seen, and nobody turned away. This adoption process has refined me in so many ways. I have learned to trust in God and His promises more than I ever have before. My pain has been laid out, my tears have been shed many times over, there have been ups and downs along the way. It was so precious to have people see and want to know all of it. To know how I was feeling, where we were, what I needed prayer for. These women are godly, godly women. I trust their words. I trust their hearts. It was a beautiful thing. To have women want to be in community even though they have never walked this road personally. I love the body of Christ. That in the best way we carry each other's burdens, we walk beside, we cry and laugh together.
I left with hope. I left with peace. I left happier than I came. I left with laughter in my heart and a smile on my lips. My joy is not in my circumstance or what has happened in the moment. My joy is in the Father and His love and plan for my life. I will walk through trials and be the better for it. My main prayer request was to walk through this in the "right" way. Not that I do it perfectly or have a checklist, but that my focus is right. That I am pointing my family to God through this. I was reminded last night how big a role that it is, that in so many ways my family looks to me to set the tone. I am by no means perfect and I will fail, so many times. BUT I will do my best and God will walk with me.
As I was talking I realized again how blessed I am. My husband is amazing. He loves me well through it all. He is a voice of calm and reason in this storm. He listens to my rants, listens to all the crazy come pouring out. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. My kids are amazing, I see them process this and open their hearts to this. They are learning faith, what it means to walk towards something even when they can't figure out what it really is and what it really means for them. Jack says all the time he is excited but a little bit jealous too. His eyes are opened to need, to poverty. He glimpses another world that is so different from his own. Some people have asked if it is too much for my kids, shouldn't they just be kids and be happy. I say no, not now and not ever. This is bigger than them, bigger than our family. Their hearts can be opened and changed early and to Kenny and I that is best. To see God's heart right here, right now. To live not for themselves but to put feet to their faith.
God is good and God is great. He met me last night in a beautiful way through the love and prayer of friends. I am blessed and so grateful for them.
I felt like I was heard and seen, and nobody turned away. This adoption process has refined me in so many ways. I have learned to trust in God and His promises more than I ever have before. My pain has been laid out, my tears have been shed many times over, there have been ups and downs along the way. It was so precious to have people see and want to know all of it. To know how I was feeling, where we were, what I needed prayer for. These women are godly, godly women. I trust their words. I trust their hearts. It was a beautiful thing. To have women want to be in community even though they have never walked this road personally. I love the body of Christ. That in the best way we carry each other's burdens, we walk beside, we cry and laugh together.
I left with hope. I left with peace. I left happier than I came. I left with laughter in my heart and a smile on my lips. My joy is not in my circumstance or what has happened in the moment. My joy is in the Father and His love and plan for my life. I will walk through trials and be the better for it. My main prayer request was to walk through this in the "right" way. Not that I do it perfectly or have a checklist, but that my focus is right. That I am pointing my family to God through this. I was reminded last night how big a role that it is, that in so many ways my family looks to me to set the tone. I am by no means perfect and I will fail, so many times. BUT I will do my best and God will walk with me.
As I was talking I realized again how blessed I am. My husband is amazing. He loves me well through it all. He is a voice of calm and reason in this storm. He listens to my rants, listens to all the crazy come pouring out. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. My kids are amazing, I see them process this and open their hearts to this. They are learning faith, what it means to walk towards something even when they can't figure out what it really is and what it really means for them. Jack says all the time he is excited but a little bit jealous too. His eyes are opened to need, to poverty. He glimpses another world that is so different from his own. Some people have asked if it is too much for my kids, shouldn't they just be kids and be happy. I say no, not now and not ever. This is bigger than them, bigger than our family. Their hearts can be opened and changed early and to Kenny and I that is best. To see God's heart right here, right now. To live not for themselves but to put feet to their faith.
God is good and God is great. He met me last night in a beautiful way through the love and prayer of friends. I am blessed and so grateful for them.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Reflection
Today, it has not been the best...... I hate mornings that are rushed, frustrating, and wild. I hate mornings where I end up yelling and little ones dissolve in tears. I cannot understand how one little redheaded boy can drive me so crazy. How I come undone at his sass, his lying, the way his shoes are constantly untied and the laces in knots. How in the little and the big he can drive me so crazy.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is that your kids shine a mirror right back on your behavior. That as I calmly and rationally talk to them one day about being kind with your words, relying on God's strength to do the right thing, being respectful of other people's feelings, etc. That the next day I am yelling, being unkind, disrespectful of feelings, definitely not relying on God's strength. These are values that are important to me, I really do mean them. But over and over again I find myself in this place. I can't stand this place, I can't stand the way I return to my sin over and over again.
It is a familiar place. Me the sinner, full of shame and God the healer, the one who forgives over and over again. I try to show my kids this grace, that no matter what I will always love them. I am angry at their actions, not them as my child. I often find the two intertwined though. That my grace doesn't quite extend far enough and I feel as if I have hurt them once again.
Today, after the tears and apologies Jack looked at me and said "you love me no matter what, you are the best mommy in the world" He put this big fake grin on his face because he had found his "happy heart". It moves me and it breaks me. I know he knows the words, I hope he feels it deep down. That it is a constant in his life. It feels like a lie though. Don't they see what I see?
I am grateful and humbled by the grace that Jack and Luke show. In the end that love wins and I am always forgiven. It is such a picture of God's love and God's grace in my life. That even though I tell them that they must behave the right way, not in a way based on feelings, and even though yet I again I am overcome by the feelings, tiredness, and stress in my own life that love will win. That mommy's love will always win. I am reminded that in my own life God will always win. That His love is wide and deep. That there is nothing I can do that will make Him turn away. That even though I am doing it again He already has it covered. He sees me and doesn't turn away. I am so grateful for a Savior who has done the work for me.
I wonder what the mirror will show the next few days, what my kids will reflect back to me. I am not saying I expect perfect kids or perfect behavior, there is no way it will happen. They remind me of me. It is an opportunity to show them the love of God, to instill early and often the grace of God. I am grateful that we all have Him to turn to. That even in my yucky places His love can shine through. That instead of despair that I will rest in the hope and peace of Jesus. That I am known, fully and completely, and amazingly enough loved just the same.
Friday, May 18, 2012
A Referral Lost.....
We have lost our referral on Hope. There is really no way to couch that, no way to really ease into it. It just is and it stinks. We are hopeful about Isaiah and his referral but his is up in the air as well. We are devastated, fearful, and so surprised by all of this. We have been resting on this referral, as if it were solid. We thought it was. We thought all of the i's were dotted and t's crossed, and in reality they were.
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
Hope has had a distant relative step forward to claim her. They had previously talked to this family member and they had declined. When Hope's mom proceeded with the adoption they changed their mind. It is a bittersweet place to be in right now. There is a large piece of me excited for her, glad that her little life doesn't have to be turned upside down. That she doesn't have to leave her birth country and all that she knows. There is also a large piece of me that is adrift, lost. I feel selfish and petty to feel that but I do. She was and IS firmly imprinted on my heart, she was in all the ways that she could be my daughter. I memorized her face, bought her clothes, hair bows, hair cream, dolls, anything I thought she might need. I stared at her face, searching those eyes and that smile trying to know as much I could about her. I read and reread all of her information and memorized it all. I just want her, I dreamed of her and that dream is lost. It kills me to talk about her in past tense.
I am grateful for a faith that fills the gap though. It doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't answer the questions or stop the tears. It fills the gap with peace, a peace that passes all understanding. I can stand on it and for that I am grateful. It is the only way I can get through this. I feel so much like I did after my miscarriage, even more so. There was this beautiful person in my life for a very short time, unseen but a part of me nonetheless. Hope was seen, not known like my other kids, but loved just as much.
Even resting in this faith I am fighting fear, I don't want to lose Isaiah either. He is my son. He is my son. He is my son..... I have memorized his face, memorized all of his information, and stared at that picture for countless hours. Those eyes slay me, so big and brown, so full of questions and fear. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss those cheeks, to assure him that it will be all right. His cheeks really are so kissable, I can tell.
We are praying for clarity. Our agency is re-validating, regrouping, and making sure that what we know is the truth. That there has been no funny business, nothing that isn't the truth that is being told. I want the truth to come out but it scares me. I in no way want to be a part of something that is not completely ethical. The more I am in this process, the more I hear, the more I realize how complicated it really is. That in so many ways it is a business and the children are the commodity. I know that is harsh but it is the truth. It is not pretty, it cannot be tied up with a pretty bow. It makes it all that more important that things are done well, as ethically and morally as possible. I am pleased our agency is stopping, they are making sure that everything is squared away. I like to think most people are in it for the right reasons and do their job well, they fight and put the children first, they safeguard the process. I feel confident in our agency.
They have done everything to the best of their ability but sometimes people are fallible, circumstances are beyond their control. I am not angry, I am glad they are pursuing the real story. It is hard though, I have a million thoughts running through my head, some good and some bad. I am frustrated that people are fickle, that minds weren't made up earlier, grateful, glad that she won't know the pain of losing her family, fearful, so so many thoughts......
I know that our God is mighty to save. He is a God of redemption and mercy. That His ways are higher than mine. He is a God who knows His children. He is a God who knows pain. A God who loves, more than I could ever fathom. He picks me up when I am weak, He picks my children up when they are weak. He delights in them, He dances over them and gives them joy when I cannot. Praise God He is faithful and true. Praise God He is in our midst.
He is all I have right now. I need Him and my family needs Him, those here and there. Pray with us. That the truth will fall, no matter the outcome. That the truth and His face will be what I seek, not my own desires.....
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